My Labyrinth

It's 8:47 on a Saturday night, and I am blogging so that I don't fall asleep on the couch watching The Beard play his NHL game on his xbox.  (We're a hip couple, don't you think?)

I feel like I've experienced a few struggles this week.  First, it is SO much harder than I thought it would be to get all of my protein in every day.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get 90-100 grams of protein in a DAY?  To give you an idea, if you didn't know, one OUNCE of meat (chicken, beef, etc) is only 7. That's like eating 13-17 ounces of chicken a day.  That's a lot of damned chicken. My doctor suggested Jimmy Dean turkey sausage links for breakfast.  That's great, but THREE links are only 12 grams total. That's pretty much a full breakfast for me on it's own, and only 1/3 of my protein for that meal.

So, I've been doing protein bars lately, and been trying to get some protein powders to supplement as well. A few years ago I tried protein powders and could only find one brand that didn't make me want to puke it right back up.  They've come out with roughly a bazillion new flavors since then, in a formula that is supposed to essentially dissolve into the water instead of making it shake-like, and one scoop is almost one full meal's worth of protein for me.  So, I called around to Vitamin Shoppe's in my area (they're the only store that carries this brand) and the one in Short Pump had a few sample/one use size packs of a small portion of the flavors, so The Lahore and I went on an out-of-the-way protein powder gathering adventure today.  I also noticed, while I was there, that they carry the brand of bars that I really like, which was awesome.  The Beard and I are going to try a few of the flavors of the powder, and I'll go buy a jug or more.  I just really didn't want to drop like $30 on a jug of powder and hate it.  So we'll try it, and move on from there.  I'll also know that I can get my bars from there in the future, so I don't have to pay for them individually at WAWA like I have been! 

I really didn't want to do "meal replacement" type things during this process, but I think at least at  this point I'll need to.  Mostly just because I HAVE to have it, and eating more on top of that would just be way too much for me.  I just can't eat/drink all of that in one day, plus all the water I need since my blood tests came back showing that I'm pretty dehydrated.  So, I gotta do what I gotta do, and once I can decrease my protein intake I will rely less on these measures, and more on real food. 

I'm also struggling with that whole "I want/need to see results/have some reassurance that this is working" thing.  I hasn't even been a full week yet, I know.  But I just want it so bad.  I want to know if my changes are working, and waiting until next month is pretty much killing me.  I'm having small victories like being able to wear my engagement ring again (it was tight, so I left it off and just wore my wedding band), so I think that small thing makes me want or need to see something bigger.

Patience is NOT my best thing.  Can you tell?

So, I've got to work on that.  Finally, I think my third major rough spot this week (which is such a first world problem) is that I have decided to get my first tattoo at my 1/2 goal weight loss point, but I can't figure out WHAT I want.  I want something small and simple on the inside of my right wrist.  Something that just symbolizes the change that I am going through, and the new beginning.  I found this beautiful symbol on Pinterest, which was said to mean "new beginnings."  Upon further research, however, it apparently is from some person who believes that angels came to visit her and taught her this form of "angelic shorthand."

 ..... wh... what?

I so don't want that on my body.  As beautiful as it is, if I put something on my body, I want it to be something real, something that has stood the test of time, or something that I came up with on my own.  So I've been looking online for days, trying to figure out what I want.  I keep coming back to the skull and crossbones, but I have bigger plans for that elsewhere, so I'm still stuck.  Any ideas would be hugely appreciated. I've also thought of a Celtic labyrinth, but I don't want something as big as it would need to be. 

In my research, I learned that a Celtic labyrinth is different from a maze.  Unlike the best movie EVER with David Bowie in it, a maze has lots of dead ends, twists and turns, etc.  You are SUPPOSED to get lost in it.  A labyrinth, on the other hand, has only one path and begins where it ends.  It is supposed to, essentially, help you find yourself.  It's such a beautiful notion that I think I might just have to put that somewhere else on me.  That might be my third or forth tattoo ;)

So I'm going to try and keep the negatives from getting me down.  I had a fantastic Lady Date with The FirstLove at Sweet Frog yesterday, and got errands done and helped The Lahore dig up her front lawn and replant a pretty little flower garden today.  I got a little bit of sweetness yesterday, and then today got my workout on and got plenty of good 'ol Vitamin D.  Then tonight I had dinner with The Beard, and we're now relaxing.  What could be better?

I have to make the best of things as they come.  It gets hard, but the trick is to just take a step back, realize that mistakes, missteps, and periods of frustration are normal, and happen to everyone all of the time.  It's what we learn from it and where we go from there that really matters.

One of those days

It's not even 1:00 pm yet and I can tell, it's one of those days. 

I woke up half-way before my alarm went off, got ready for work while watching all of the incredibly sad news coverage about the poor people in Oklahoma, this damned cough won't go away, and I'm just cranky tired.  It's times like this I want to kick my own butt, but I know I'm too tired to care enough to do it!

I also realized today that I can buy all of the healthy food in the world, but if I don't get my life together, it's not going to do any good.  Granted, we got home from the store later last night than usual, and it took time to get the new groceries situated and all, but my food today at work is simply pitiful! My sleepy mind this morning only grabbed HALF of both my breakfast and my lunch.  So, I didn't get all of my protein in (well, if you combine breakfast and lunch I had one meal's worth), and I completely left my carrots at home. 

Epic. Fail.

I've always been the girl that throws a lunch together in the morning, or just says "forget it" and and goes to Subway or somewhere like that instead.  Shocker, right?  (I blame my mother.  That beautiful woman packed my lunches THROUGH high school, complete with napkin notes and e'rethang, so I never started the habit) But with this new un-diet, (that's what I'm going to call it, I guess) I can't really do that.  I have to PLAN.  It's going to be a pain in the butt to get used to I'm sure, but there's really no other way.  I'm supposed to get so much protein at each meal, so much starch carbs and veg carbs, etc, and at this point in the game I can't just magic it all together at the last minute.  I'm simply not there yet, which is totally fine and to be expected.  Maybe I'll become that super-hero OCD chick and start meal planning like some people I know do.  I'm not going to hold my breath on that, but there's a chance.  I'd be happy with just getting together my breakfast and lunch for work the night before.  That will be a big step that will make a HUGE difference for me, I think.  We'll see!

On another note, today was also a day that I knew that I needed to write.  If I hadn't looked down at my sub-par salad and griped to myself about my poor planning today, I wouldn't have known what to write about, and that can get really frustrating.  Writers block sucks a big one, if you have never experienced it, you're truly lucky.  That's why I'm asking you this: if any of you readers (if there really are any of you!!) can think of something that you would like me to address, a question you have or want my opinion on, or something that you think I need to think about for myself or would help me, would you let me know?  You can message me on FB, or leave a message on here (I'm pretty sure you can do it anonymously), or just let me know when we see or talk to each other.  I'm no Dear Judy, but sometimes if I'm blocked, but still feel the NEED to write, it helps when I have a topic that comes from somewhere other than my own hectic mind.

<3

Who needs cookies anyway?

......

Ok... so... cookies will still be had.  I can't lie to you.

But you know what?  I'm hoping that I can get to a point where a cookie or two is plenty for me and that I can enjoy it without guilt.  Or, sometimes, maybe even pass it up if I'm just not in the mood or I'm simply not hungry. 

I still won't let you take my cookies though.

Anyhoo, tonight The Beard and I went to the grocery store for our "Big Grocery Shop" (which is what we call any grocery trip that I can actually force him to join me on).  Tonight was the first big trip since my appointment, and my first big test of will. 

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNN

Ok, so maybe it wasn't that dramatic.  I did get all of my protein in my first two meals today, which was awesome, and I stayed pretty much not-hungry all day (even with as little as I ate, relative to what I used to eat).  I came home from work and cleaned out the fridge and freezer of all the stuff we don't need or want anymore.  It was kind of freeing.

There is not a DROP of ice cream in this house anymore people.  I think it's a first.  Oddly enough, though, I'm ok with it. 

So, at the grocery store, I had my crazy, beautiful, color coded shopping list that I based off of necessities and the list of Do's and Don'ts that my doctor gave me.  Of course, The Beard judged me harshly for my OCDness, but oh well.  It made things faster and more organized!  Plus, now that I am supposed to be eating certain things at certain times of the day, etc, I needed to make sure that I got everything we needed.  So there.

I really am proud of myself though.  I knew where the things that I needed were, and just avoided the isles that had things that I didn't need, instead of trolling the isles looking for what I "want" at the time being. Cereal isle?  No.  Pasta isle?  Y..... nah.  Ice cream?  Eh, I'll rock a popsicle instead.  Why?  Because it's not needed. 

I do have to say, though, that for a moment, I hesitated when walking past the pasta isle.  Pasta is my jam, as anyone who knows me is very aware.  But as I hesitated, I thought to myself - why?  Why am I hesitating?  I'm not never having pasta again, I just don't need it right now.  I need my health more.  And guess what, if I want some spaghetti, I'll have some damned spaghetti.  I'll just build my day around it, and make healthier choices otherwise.  No big, right? 

Tonight I've got more protein and veggies in my fridge and freezer than I've ever had at one time before.  Most of it is "need to cook," but we got some steam veggie bags and things like that for those nights when we're lazy.  The best thing about this?  The Beard is totally, 100% on board with me.  He's going to follow my plan with me, and we're going to do it together, which means more, and helps more, than I think he knows. 

So, now begins my days of trying new foods.  I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of freaking the Hell out, but I'm still going to do it.  For the first time I'm not feeling like I'm not ON A DIET during my weight loss journey; I feel like I am changing my diet.  Two totally different things, if you ask me.  And for once, I don't feel deprived.  If I want something, I will probably allow myself to have it, but it will be within the parameters that I have set up for myself.  You can't live a happy, healthy life when it's full of nothing but deprivation: if it works at all, it won't last long. 

Send tasty thoughts my way, I might need them!

Ups and Downs

I feel like this week has had me all over the place.  We had a great weekend away last weekend, but we missed our fur-babies, and were so happy to get back to our own bed.  As soon as I got home I was stoked to start getting back to work on my store, but have been sidetracked by either the allergies from Hell, or yet another sinus infection.

Either way, it sucks.

So, I've been trying to get some rest to help myself feel better, and even though I got to bed at about 9 both Monday and Tuesday nights thanks to the glorious invention that is Nyquil, I've still been wiped out.  I was also pretty nervous about my upcoming doctor's appointment, as usual working myself up into a tizzy over nothing.  But hey, it's me.  If I didn't work myself up over nothing on the regular, I wouldn't be myself.  But you love me, headcase and all.  You know it.

But that's getting ahead of myself.  Wednesday found me having dinner with The Beard and The Lahore at my favorite restaurant to sort of chill out before my big day.  Then, The Lahore and I went and got manis and pedis to get a little pampering done (sadly, our third love had other previous plans, but she was there in spirit and via text)  It had been so long since I had gotten my fingers and toes "did" and I had really forgotten how much I enjoy having pretty polish on them, especially since I decided months ago to just be lazy and not put polish on either myself.  (On a side note - I usually trash my nails, and this shellack stuff is still going strong on the third day)  Also - The Lahore provided plenty of entertainment by trying to antagonize/joke with the "Chinese" people that were doing our nails.  Sadly, the Vietnamese women had little idea of what in the Hell she was talking about, because they are about as fluent in English as I am in German.  (We all know when I listen to Rammstein I just sing the words and barely have a clue what they mean until I read the translations).  Poor little nail ladies.  They didn't know what hit them.

And now the biggest part of the week - the much anticipated and almost feared doctors appointment.

It actually went better than I had anticipated.  Less stressful and intimidating.  More warm and welcoming.  Less judgement, more support.  Handing over that credit card still hurt, but in the end, I'm worth it.  You can't really put a price on health... until you're paying for it when it's bad. My nurse and doctor were both really wonderful, very supportive, and actually listened to me, and talked to me, instead of at me.  These days, that seems to be more and more rare.

I got oodles of good information, my mind was blown with the simple, yet complex information that he gave me (does that even make sense?) I learned that weight and hunger management is all about what you eat, and when.  I know, I know, everyone says "don't eat after 8pm" or "no more Twinkies" and all that, but it's not that simple (see?  I told you!) It's more about protein vs carb intake.  The amount of protein your body needs, the times of day you eat everything, and which foods make you hungrier in the long run vs calming those hunger feelings.  The minutiae, as usual, is the complex part, as it is in most circumstances.  But the science behind it is really simple.  Protein helps keep you full, ups your metabolism, and helps build muscle which burns calories/fat.  Carbs turn into sugar.  Which turns into fat and makes you hungrier.

Another awesome tip?  According to my doctor, 10-20 minutes of resistance style workout two times a week (e.g., weights, circuit training, etc) is equal to 30 minutes of walking five times a week!

Simple, right?  With the right tools and guidance, it can be.  And, for the first time in me life, I have.... hope.  Real hope that I can beat this.  Real hope that I can achieve my goal, and I don't have to do some stupid fad diet, or starve myself, or surgically alter my body, or any of a million other things that might work for the minute, but don't work for life. 

I need a life change, and I think this will be mine.  I go back in a month, and I'm hoping to be X - 10 or X - 15 by then, and my doctor thinks it's possible!  Fingers crossed!  (On another side note, I was thinking about asking him how to lose the weight I want while keeping all of my "T&A," but I was told that's not really appropriate)

I'll keep updating on my progress, and especially my attempt at trying out new foods.  That seems to be the scariest thing for me, and since I don't "do well" with a lot of foods, it should be entertaining for you.

Finally, before I let you go, my final "up" for the week.

I cannot believe the outpouring of love and support that I have gotten this week.   The feedback I got from my last post was amazing: the calls, messages, texts, and emails blew me away.  It's hard to express how much it means to me.  The good luck messaging and calls before, and then check-in texts, messages, and calls after (and getting pushy when I don't respond quick enough), meant the world.

So, thank you.  To anyone who is reading this, and especially to my cheerleaders (you know who you are), thank you.  Thank you for your support, and for your love.  If I can be of help to you, please let me know how.

I am here, and I will be here for a long time, whether I'm wanted or not.

Coming Clean

I've been debating about whether or not to write this down for all to see or not for a while now. I feel like I've been hiding for so long that it seems that I almost feel like, if I don't put it out there, if I don't post new pictures of myself, then I'm still the person I was a few years ago when I walked down the isle, because no one knows any different.

But... I'm not that person anymore. Or, at the very least, I'm that person plus about 50 pounds.

I am 100 pounds overweight. Sure, a lot of you look at me and tell me that I don't look it, or I'm still beautiful, or a variation of the two. The thing is, though, that I AM.  Does it make me a bad person? No. Does it make me less important? No. But it DOES make me less healthy, and that is just something I can't tolerate anymore.  I want to do things without feeling tired, I want to have babies and play with them and teach them to be healthy like I never was.  I don't want them to struggle with weight their entire lives like I have.

So, I have an appointment with a doctor on Thursday that is going to work very closely with me on every aspect of my life and health. I'm going to get nutritional guidance, stress management help, exercise guidance, and much more. It isn't covered by insurance, so it's going to be really expensive, but the husband and I have decided it's worth it.

This is going to be a long journey, and I know that I will need support to keep going. Because of that, I've decided to stop being ashamed of myself for what I have become, and turn that emotion into fuel. I am not a bad or ugly person, I am just a person who let things like injury and depression and other issues get in my way like so many other people have.

No more.

I have so many people in my corner that love and support me, so how can I possibly fail?

At the moment, even though I've put most of my info "out on the table," I'm still not comfortable with giving out my current weight, so here is what I'm going to do: my start weight (which I will get Thursday) is going to be "X." After that, my weight will be updated as X - yy, to show the loss. 

Once I reach my goal, which will be more specific once I meet with my doctor, I'm getting myself a makeover, donating as much hair as I can to Locks of Love, and throwing the biggest damned reveal party that I can to celebrate.  Why? Well, why not?  Because I want to and will have worked my ass off sounds good enough to me.

So, if you want, follow my journey. If not, that's fine too. Or, maybe you want to join me, which would be wonderful.  All I know is this: it's time to stop hiding. Its time to stop being ashamed of who and what I am, and its time to start embracing that stubborn bitch that I know is in there that will never give up.

So, that's it. That's my secret, though it's kind of lame as secrets go. But I won't be quiet about it anymore. I won't let myself keep going down this path of self destruction, because damnit, I'm too damned amazing to let it happen.

You think I'm cocky/full of myself now?  Just wait until I get into a bikini.  It WILL have a skull and crossbones on it, even if I have to make it myself. Because that is my dream. Yes, I know it's strange.  But if that is what it takes, if you are struggling too, I hope you have a dream as strange as mine to get you there.

Maybe I can make us matching ones.

A Weekend Away

So, this was our big weekend away, a weekend that I have been waiting for for what feels like FOREVER.  It's not that I don't love being at home, or hate where we live, but you know how it is, sometimes you just have to get away.  I just needed to get out, go see something, do something fun that isn't the same old same old.  So, Friday we went to DC, hit up the Zoo and a Nat's game.

I'd been to the Zoo before, but I hadn't been since my sister was a baby, so maybe 10 or so years ago.  Of course, the tigers are my favorite, but they decided to hide in their little cave so I could barely see them.  Oh well... we still got out there, got some sun, some exercise, and just spent time together.  Of course, I am an idiot and forgot to bring tennis shoes, so my new flip flops pretty much rubbed the bottom of my feet raw and made my "weird leg" hurt like hell, and the bad knee swell like a grapefruit.  But I still did it, the walk to and from the metro, and the zoo, and the walk to and from the hotel, with minimal sitting breaks to give my poor feet a break!  (Note to self: don't be an idiot and only bring flip flops on trips where you'll be walking for forever!!)

The Nat's game was great, they played awesome and we had amazing seats, less than 20 rows from the front, just past third base.  It was my first professional baseball game, and I loved the stadium and the energy of the crowd.  It was so strange though, the stadium was over half empty when the game started.  It seemed to take forever for people to show up and fill it, what's the point if you're not going to see the whole game?  This picture was taken about 15 minutes before the game started!  We were impressed at how well Cubs fans traveled, there were tons there, and of course, since we were on their side, it was quite entertaining.  One guy (a Nats fan) was actually keeping score/stats in a little book thing he had made for that.  Justin said that some people do it FOR FUN.  I don't get that at all, I don't like doing it when I have to once a week at his games, I seriously don't understand how that could be someone's HOBBY.

Baltimore was ok, our hotel was a little strange, and the front desk staff kind of acted like they were deigning to help us (um, hello, it's your JOB) but our view was amazing, and it was just steps away from the Harbor.  We hit the Aquarium after a DELICIOUS lunch of grilled cheese at the coolest Hooters that I've ever been to, and were sadly disappointed with it.  They're doing a remodel or switching exhibits around, because the shark tunnel and huge coral reef/ray area that you walk over are both GONE (at least we couldn't find them), and tons of other areas were blocked off, and they didn't tell us that before we went in.  It wasn't really worth the $30 a ticket that we spent, but oh well.  I still liked what we did see, they have an Australia exhibit where birds fly around close enough to touch you, and we had a good time together.

After the aquarium we went back to the room to relax and wait out the storms that were coming.  Our room, with the amazing view, let us watch as the storm swept over the harbor, and it was absolutely stunning.  I've always loved watching storms, but it was really beautiful.  The storms lasted a few hours, and then the sun came out and brought with it one of the biggest, prettiest rainbows that I've ever seen.  I just stood at the window and stared at it for what felt like forever, until we left for dinner at the Hardrock Cafe. The storms had taken the humidity out of the air and left it a few degrees cooler, and it was really lovely walking along the harbor to and from dinner.  It turned into a really nice night.  We made it back into our room two short minutes before the sky opened up again and the storms rolled in from the opposite direction as they came from before. 

Standing at the window looking at the rainbow, though, I had gotten to thinking:  Sometimes life is crazy.  Sometimes you feel like the only thing that can make you feel better is to run away from it, from the things that are going wrong, or the things that stress you out.  Sometimes it's just easiest, and easiest is usually the thing that people want.  But you can't always run.  You can't always hide.  Sometimes, even though things get rough, and it looks like that storm in life that is coming is scary, or hard, or unfair, all you have to do is wait it out, and have faith that it will pass.  And it WILL pass.  You might have to work your ass off for the better outcome, and it might be a hard road, but when the storm is over and the sun finally comes out, that big, beautiful rainbow will be there to greet you and show you that the wait was worth it.

I had a wonderful time with my husband, it was nice to be away with him for a few days, just the two of us, with no (or at least, minimal) work things breaking in, no obligations, just us.  But I'm glad that my rainbow reminded me that I can't just run away.  When things get rough, I can't run away to another location, or shut myself down and just not deal with them because I'm overwhelmed.  I have to meet things head on because that's the only way I'll get to see my own rainbow.  Stress will still be there.  I'll still get overwhelmed.  But I'll meet it head on, and get to see the sun again. 

I know that my husband, and friends, family, and my two fur children will be there for me, and with me.  I know my two best friends will come and battle their OCD to help me organize my life, and my little grey girl Sasha will come and give me copious, sweet, aggressive snuggles because she missed me while I was gone and loves me. 

If my storms come with those things attached to them, they won't be so hard to weather after all; and the rainbows will be even sweeter when they can be shared. 

Getting back in the game

I realized something the other day while reading the blog of a friend: when I blogged the last time, it was not only a way for me to connect with others that I know and communicate how I feel, but it also provided a much needed outlet for me:  I could get things out of my mind and onto "paper," which always helped me deal with whatever was going on.

Lately, things have been crazy.  My health pretty much sucks, so I've been constantly going to see this or that doctor, for whatever is ailing me at the moment.  I'm having to go to my allergist's office every week to get shots for my allergy to pretty much everything.  (People always laughed at me when I told them I was allergic to nature.  WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?  The real answer is: still those people, because being allergic to everything outside is a bitch.  Especially in the spring, which is it is now.)  I've found out that I've got some pretty annoying lung and nasal issues that restrict my breathing.  That, as you can imagine, is a picnic.  I also have about a third of the vitamin D levels that you should have.  My doctor actually looked at me and acted surprised when he read the lab results.  I can't see how, I'm about a half step away from albino; if that doesn't say "I don't get outside much," I don't know what does.

I'm starting up my own business, selling bags and crafts on Etsy.  I LOVE sewing.  It's something that relaxes me (usually) and I take a great amount of pride in.  Call me an old lady, but I don't care.  I can't tell you how many classes I've taken at my favorite local quilt shop and have been the youngest person by at least a generation.  (My favorite repeated line is "Oh it's so nice to see one of you young people taking an interest in sewing, you just don't see that anymore!!") It's nice, though, to have something that you can be passionate about and take pride in.  I love making things, and I love that I can make something that someone else can't, I love that I can see something in my mind and actually create it with my own hands, and I love that I can make something that will make someone else happy.  Not everyone can say something like that, and for the first time in my life, I can.  It's nice.  

Long story short, the purpose of this blog is this:  catharsis.   Whether I'm having a rough day or a fantastic day, it's an outlet.  One I'll need in the coming days, weeks, and months ahead.  

You see, I'm about to start my weight loss journey (yes, again).  But this time, I'm bringing out the big guns:  I'm going to do it right, and I'm going to CHANGE. MY. LIFE.  I'm going to do it under the supervision of a doctor, and with the support (read: requested force) of my husband, my parents, the two best friends a girl could ask for, and I'm sure many other friends and family members that love and support me.  I'm going to tackle bad old habits and create good new ones.  I will not, however, live a life of deprevation or self-denial or punishment.  If I can't do this while living a full, balanced life, then I'll never be able to maintain it.  And let's be honest, that's what we all need, right?  A healthy life that is still full of fun and love.  A life that allows us to maintain a balance.  I don't want to suck the richness out of my life, I want to add to it.  If it takes ten years to accomplish my goal, then so be it.  But it will have been done right, and it will last forever.  

So, I'll document my journey here.  Along with whatever else tickles my fancy at the moment.  Whether it's a new project I'm working on, tips that I'm learning throughout the process, a tirade about something that just ticked me off, or talking about my cats and the stupid stuff they do, it'll be right here.  I hope to entertain you, Reader - but honestly - this isn't about you.  It's about ME.  

Come along for the ride.  It's sure to be a bumpy one, but I have no doubt in the end the destination will be well worth it.