Coming Clean

I've been debating about whether or not to write this down for all to see or not for a while now. I feel like I've been hiding for so long that it seems that I almost feel like, if I don't put it out there, if I don't post new pictures of myself, then I'm still the person I was a few years ago when I walked down the isle, because no one knows any different.

But... I'm not that person anymore. Or, at the very least, I'm that person plus about 50 pounds.

I am 100 pounds overweight. Sure, a lot of you look at me and tell me that I don't look it, or I'm still beautiful, or a variation of the two. The thing is, though, that I AM.  Does it make me a bad person? No. Does it make me less important? No. But it DOES make me less healthy, and that is just something I can't tolerate anymore.  I want to do things without feeling tired, I want to have babies and play with them and teach them to be healthy like I never was.  I don't want them to struggle with weight their entire lives like I have.

So, I have an appointment with a doctor on Thursday that is going to work very closely with me on every aspect of my life and health. I'm going to get nutritional guidance, stress management help, exercise guidance, and much more. It isn't covered by insurance, so it's going to be really expensive, but the husband and I have decided it's worth it.

This is going to be a long journey, and I know that I will need support to keep going. Because of that, I've decided to stop being ashamed of myself for what I have become, and turn that emotion into fuel. I am not a bad or ugly person, I am just a person who let things like injury and depression and other issues get in my way like so many other people have.

No more.

I have so many people in my corner that love and support me, so how can I possibly fail?

At the moment, even though I've put most of my info "out on the table," I'm still not comfortable with giving out my current weight, so here is what I'm going to do: my start weight (which I will get Thursday) is going to be "X." After that, my weight will be updated as X - yy, to show the loss. 

Once I reach my goal, which will be more specific once I meet with my doctor, I'm getting myself a makeover, donating as much hair as I can to Locks of Love, and throwing the biggest damned reveal party that I can to celebrate.  Why? Well, why not?  Because I want to and will have worked my ass off sounds good enough to me.

So, if you want, follow my journey. If not, that's fine too. Or, maybe you want to join me, which would be wonderful.  All I know is this: it's time to stop hiding. Its time to stop being ashamed of who and what I am, and its time to start embracing that stubborn bitch that I know is in there that will never give up.

So, that's it. That's my secret, though it's kind of lame as secrets go. But I won't be quiet about it anymore. I won't let myself keep going down this path of self destruction, because damnit, I'm too damned amazing to let it happen.

You think I'm cocky/full of myself now?  Just wait until I get into a bikini.  It WILL have a skull and crossbones on it, even if I have to make it myself. Because that is my dream. Yes, I know it's strange.  But if that is what it takes, if you are struggling too, I hope you have a dream as strange as mine to get you there.

Maybe I can make us matching ones.