The Numbers Game

"Some days the lion eats you, but some times you shove your arm down it's throat and pull it's viscera out through it's mouth and kill it. Of course, sometimes it bites your arm off, and then eats you, but you tried, that's what counts. Some days it's not about winning, but about fighting. If you don't try, the lion will most definitely eat you. But sometimes when you put your all into something, and don't give up even when the odds are so against you, you surprise the lion and yourself, and you win." ~ Laurell K Hamilton

This weight (and the obsession with numbers that go with trying to get rid of it) is my own personal lion.

I've been so good these last few weeks (about 6 now, I think).  I haven't weighed myself except for at my doctor's offices when I go in for appointments.  I was content with getting my numbers once a month, and letting it go at that. 

I slipped this weekend though.  I didn't really think of it as a slip at the time, I was thinking (because I apparently suck at math) that it had been two weeks since my last appt with The Doc, when, in reality, it was only something like 9 days.  Before I realized that it was only the 9 days, though, I decided that it would be ok to weigh myself at home.  Just a check in to see how progress was going.  Every two weeks isn't too much, right?

Never mind the fact that my scale and the scale at The Doc's office are totally different, of that I am sure.  I had forgotten that my scale was off a few pounds. 

But, I did it, and though I was pleased with my number, reflecting on it, I have no way in knowing whether it is progress or not.  That is not my scale of reference anymore.  I told The Beard, and he wants to hide it now.  He doesn't want me to start playing the numbers game again.  I told him no, I don't need or want him to do that.  I can go without weighing myself.  It won't be hard not to do it again. 

I emailed him this morning and requested that he hide it.

Why?  Because I'm an OCD freak when it comes to some things.  I've caught myself several times since weighing myself Saturday morning, wanting to go back and hop on it again.  Because of that, I've had him hide it from me before when I've worked on weight loss, because I sometimes start to weigh myself every day, if not several times per day.  I get into the head space that is 100% number driven.

If I weigh myself now, and then go pee, how much of a difference does it make?  I wonder what the difference in weight will be after I have dinner? WHY DO I WEIGHT 0.2 POUNDS MORE THIS MORNING THAN I DID BEFORE I WENT TO BED LAST NIGHT? 

It starts turning into this awful torment.  Something that plagues me, instead of motivating me.

Why are we such a number driven culture?  Why do we have to weigh a certain amount to feel good about ourselves?  Why do we believe if we just get down to a size two, or under a certain weight, that we will finally be happy?

It's not true.  A number won't change things.  Not when it comes to this.

I had a friend, years ago.  She was beautiful, sweet, smart, and funny... pretty much the total package.  She also had horrible body issues.  She was tall and thin, barely any fat on her.  She had her number though; if she went over that number, her world just about ended - regardless of how unrealistic that number was.  We all looked at her with envy, wishing we could be close to as thin or pretty as she was.  She didn't see it though, it was never enough.  She lived, and struggled, in a life that was controlled by something as nebulous as a number. 

I can't sit here and be honest with you and say that this journey isn't about numbers for me at all.  It is.  My number, though, my ultimate number, is based purely on health.  Not some number that has no basis in reality.  Not some number that will give me the body of a model, if that were even possible.  My number is one that will put me at the weight that will help me to be the healthiest that I can be. 

My goal isn't to be a size two.  I doubt that I will get there, but if I do, then I do.  If I never get below a size 10, then I don't.  I will go until my doctor tells me to stop; until he tells me that I am where I need to be.  I WILL FIGHT this battle against my body, and against my brain's desperate need for numbers. 

I'm pretty sure lion meat is full of protein. 

Happiness and Phd's

4:30am is a time that I should NEVER have to experience awake. Yet, today, it happened again.  Admittedly, though, it was my fault.  I am on a new medication that I have to take in half doses.  One half in early morning, and then one half at 3pm, OR as early as I need to take it so that my sleep cycle isn't interrupted.  (Seriously, I have to be careful.  I took it in a full dose once a few weeks ago, and got what I call "squiggly," jittery and crazy)

Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one yesterday.  I forgot to take it before lunch, so I took it as soon as I remembered, which apparently wasn't early enough.  Que: wide awake at 4:30am.   It's ok though, I'm just going to set myself a deadline from now on.  If I don't take the second half before 1pm, I just won't take it. 

So, what do I do when I'm awake 2 hours early?  Blog of course!

As I lay in bed, trying to get back to sleep, I had a thought.  Lately, things in general have been getting better for me.  I'm working hard to reach my goals, and people in my life (both those I am close to, and people I hardly know) are being so wonderful, helpful, and supportive of me that it's almost unbelievable.  HUGE helps like TheBooch (aka my MIL) who replaced my "sippy cup" that I broke over the weekend (a 24 ounce Starbucks cold cup that I use EVERY. DAY. and they don't make anymore.  Trust me, I've even tried their new version.  It isn't even CLOSE to being the same.  OCD?  Who, ME??), and took me to Fresh Market for lots of yummy, healthy food.  Also, smaller things, like my hairdresser, whom I LOVE, helping me "train" my bangs to grow out in a certain way so that I can have more options when I reach my weight loss goal and chop all of my hair off for donation, and then giving me a huge hug and a discount on my bang trim, and telling me how proud of me she is.  A selfless, generous sister, who, even though I know she doesn't have much, goes above and beyond by sending me things that she has and doesn't need or use anymore, always with a sweet card, simply because she thinks I'll like it, or because she thinks that I can use it in my crafting/business.  A guy my husband works and plays softball with, who checked out my car yesterday, which hasn't had functioning AC since LAST spring (seriously... chubby girl + no AC in a Richmond summer?  NOT PRETTY.), and saved the day (and my wallet) buy figuring out that all I need is a new hose that leads to my compressor, since apparently mine has a hole in it.  I have no doubt that any auto shop would have told me I needed a $300+ compressor, and who knows what else.  Instead, it's probably a $50 hose, plus his labor.  My amazing Mom even gave me $50 to put towards the repairs because she's silly and I watched their house/ checked their mail while they were on vacation, so the part will probably be, technically, free! 

And those are only a few examples.  It's so humbling, and it makes me want to do so much for others.
I think, though, not too far in the past, I wouldn't as easily have been able to recognize these blessings for what they are.

Clinical depression is a tough thing.  Even if you KNOW you have it, it doesn't mean that you can ignore it, or just make it better.  The Beard and I once had a couple that we were friends with, right around the time I was diagnosed and started the medications for my own depression.  It wasn't something that I talked about with a lot of people back then, but I shared it with them one night.  The husband quickly and emphatically informed me that depression isn't truly a medical issue.  All I have to do is DECIDE that I want to be happy, and I will simply end my depression, I will be happy!  I was SO thankful when he told me that, I had no idea!  At that moment, I made the decision:  I AM NO LONGER DEPRESSED.  I AM HAPPY!!! It worked!!

Right...  Then, I realized, I don't remember seeing a Phd beside his name. Maybe it's not that simple, and I should listen to my ACTUAL doctor.  

I remember listening to him lecture me on how it was a choice, not a chemical imbalance, and just boiled.  Back then, I just let him have his say and didn't debate him.  He was either someone who had never dealt with depression, ignorant, or delusional.  (I determined it was one of the latter.) 

We don't really spend time with them anymore.  Surprised?

Now that I am on my medication and have begun correcting my Vitamin D deficiency, though, I can FINALLY say that I believe I am beginning to win this battle.  I feel different...better than I have in years.  Mentally, physically, and emotionally.  It's incredible, like a veil (or more accurately, a shroud) has been lifted from me. 

Now that I have gotten on the right physiological track, I am starting to get on the right mental track too.  I have realized that depression held me back from so many things.  It made me hold myself back from others, from experiences.  Closing myself off from those things hurt me just as much as the depression itself.  Now though, I am opening myself as much as possible, and I can tell that that is helping me even more.  I'm giving and receiving more than I ever thought possible, I'm making and developing connections that enrich my life.  I'm just... happier. 

So, if you're struggling with depression, don't just deal with it.  Confront it.  I am so glad that I did, my life has changed so much for the better.  I am here to talk, even if it's just to be a sounding board.

Though, I too lack a Phd beside my name. 

Small Boobs and Freaky Bones

Have you ever had one of those crazy, irrational ideas or fears that just stick with you and mess with your mind even though you know it doesn't make sense?  Who am I kidding, I'm sure you have, everyone has at some point or another. 

I am kind of struggling with my own today.  After yesterday's weigh in, I'm still riding a high, even though I don't think my mind has fully grasped it all yet.  I'm still kind of in shock, to be honest.  But something The Beard and I talked about last night seems to be dredging up an old irrational "fear"/concern of mine.  Or, probably most accurately, just a stupid frigging idea that I can't seem to let go. 

We were talking about my progress, my future goals, etc.  Since I dropped almost 2 full BMI points, we started talking about BMIs in general and brought up the charts to look at and see where they say I "should be."  He said I had to look at the 5'4" line (even though I'm 5'4 1/2" thankyouverymuch), and that chart said that I should be in the 110 - 135 pound range. 

I think the last time I was that weight a few days after I was born!

:::enter Stupidity stage left:::

Now, I'm worried that at 135 pounds, I will look WEIRD.  The Beard thinks that I'll look fantastic. That I'm BEING weird. 

What in the Hell is wrong with me?  For some reason, I've always been freaked about that.  When I start losing weight, I get all of these nonsense, self-destructive thoughts: maybe I'm just supposed to be big, maybe if I get too thin I'll look weird, what if my bones are super big and I look funky?  I don't want to be "too skinny," I still want a "cute" little gut  (<- no really.  I have said that before.  What "gut" is cute unless it's a gut full of fetus?) Being too thin isn't attractive. Blah, blah, BLAH. 

Sometimes the stupid stuff that comes into my mind worries me.  I mean, who thinks that crap?  And the worst part is, the entire time I'm sitting here thinking it, I KNOW what a load of manure it is!  After several long months of very expensive, very intense therapy, I figured out why I think that way, and though it makes sense and I'm aware of the hows and whys, I'M STILL ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE STUPID.  (Although, I have to say, if I lose my "girls," I'll be DEVASTATED.  The Beard said I could just buy new ones if I had to though, so that works for me I guess)

Ever since I can remember, I've been "big."  I've hated it, and "tried" doing something about it, but I never let myself succeed.  Always with the self sabotage or, simply, just giving up.  My weight was a wall for me.  A big fat wall of, well... fat.  Fat people aren't treated the same, fat people don't get approached by other people as much, fat people don't have to care as much.  Fat people don't have to try, fat people can hide in the background and let the skinny people shine. 

This fat person buried all of her pain under a nice insulating layer of fat. 

Did the depression come first?  Or did the fat?  It's sort of a chicken/egg question for me.  Which was the cause, and which was the effect?  I know now that I'll never know, and I know that ultimately, it doesn't really matter.  But I also know how desperate I am get break this damned wall DOWN.  I shouldn't be afraid to talk to new people, thinking that they're judging me because of my weight.  I'm tired of going shopping with my Mom or my girlfriends and having to shop in different stores because their stores don't carry "big girl sizes." I'm tired of little kids that don't know any better making comments about how big I am.  I'm tired of "well meaning" people saying things like "So-and-so is a big girl, you know, kind of like your size."  I'm tired of carrying this extra weight on my knee.  I'm tired of so many things.

But most of all, I'm tired of hating myself for not fixing this, and I'm tired of the excuses.  I'm tired of allowing myself to sit idly by while my health deteriorates, and my weight increases.  I'm tired of making my husband, parents, family, and friends worry about my health all of the time. 

So, again, even though in my brain I KNOW that at 135 pounds I won't look "weird," at this point I have decided even if it does happen, I don't care.  Whenever that thought creeps up to try and steal my momentum and drain my resolve, I will just remember this:  I. DON'T. CARE. I'd rather be a healthy, weird looking 135 pound chick than some unhealthy lump that weighs practically twice that!  If I have to, I'll buy myself some new boobs and take solace in the fact that I'll at least have an easier time finding clothes that fit, even if I do need to choose clothes that hide my thinner yet freakish/mutant body. 

That, or I'll just join a side show.  Because you better believe this:  WHEN I get to 135 pounds (silly me I first typed IF!), I WILL FLAUNT ALL OF IT.  Small boobs, big, freaky bones and all. 

One Month Down : X - ???

I've been staring at this page for what feels like forever, and I don't even know how to start.  How do I put into words what I'm feeling right now?  How do I explain this, when I haven't even stopped shaking yet?  I guess I'll just try and start from the beginning, and go from there.

Today was my first monthly follow up with my new doctor, the one that is helping monitor my weight loss.  I've been excited for, and dreading, this appointment for days.  Did it work?  Did I do enough?  Did I "cheat" too much?  Am I going to fail at this like I have so many other "diets?" 

Thankfully, I have the world's BEST Momma, and she came up to my work to have lunch with me today, and that really helped take my mind off of me having the jitters about my appointment.  (Since she has a new job now, she has the flexibility that will allow her to come have lunch with me every few weeks!  I am SO excited about it!)  So, while it was a wonderful distraction, it also only lasted the lunch hour.  THEN, as I'm waiting for my time to head out, the MEGA STORM starts rearing it's ugly head, so people had called and canceled their appointments, and the doctor's office called and asked me to come in early.  (eeeK!) I left a few minutes earlier than I had intended, trying to beat the storm.  I walked in (left 10 minutes early, got there 30 minutes early, go figure), paid, and was instantly taken back.  Don't these people know I'm trying to delay the inevitable??

She tells me to get on the scale, please.  No shoes, and hold on to those bars.  It takes me forever to do it.  Please, PLEASE don't let me disappoint myself, and everyone else who has been supporting me.  I don't know if I can take that.

The number pops up, and my heart drops into my bare feet.

That's it?  THREE POUNDS?? My whole month of eating totally differently only netted a loss of THREE FREAKING POUNDS?  How is this possible?  But...

Me: Wait.. hold on.  What was my original weight?  How much does that mean I lost?
Nurse: Oh shoot, I can't do that math in my head! :laughs: Hold on.
Me.  Is that... have I lost?  I haven't lost THIRTEEN POUNDS???
Nurse:  Yes!  You sure have!  Good job! You reached your goal!
Me:  :stunned and teary and shaky:  Oh, crap, sorry.  Hopefully I'm not the only one that cries like this.
Nurse:  Oh, of course you're not.  Why do you think we keep tissues right here?

Thirteen pounds.  13 pounds.  Ten and three pounds.  X - 13!!

Just under THREE of these babies!

Can you freaking BELIEVE IT?  I sure as Hell couldn't.  I did it.  I don't think I've ever lost thirteen pounds in two months together combining dieting and exercising myself into the ground!  And, it was so easy.  I never felt like I've been deprived, or that I COULDN'T have anything.  (Except that time I REALLY wanted a Coke from the ball park, but if I had really wanted it, I would have done it.  I just didn't want to sell my first born to pay for it)  I still Sweet Frog-ged with The FirstLove, and I Panda Express-ed with The Beard and The Lahore.  I don't deprive myself, I just make better choices. 

The reason that I didn't think that I had lost as much as that, other than the fact that I never weighed myself, is because I haven't seen much difference in myself.  But my doctor explained it all to me, and it makes me feel so much better, and helps keep me motivated:  apparently, the majority of the first several percent of body fat that you use is what is called "visceral fat," which is the fat that is around your organs, etc, and cause the medical problems/issues.  It's much less noticeable when you lose visceral fat than it is when you lose "subcutaneous fat," which is the fat that is under your skin, the fat that shows.  Apparently, after you lose about 10% of your body weight, it's much easier to see each additional pound lost.  Knowing this, it makes me feel SO much better.  Not only am I losing the "worst" kind of fat first, but there is a REASON I'm not seeing the loss.  Soon, though, I will. 

That helps keep me motivated.  It lets me know that even if I can't see the changes each day, they're happening.  Soon, it will be much more obvious as I go along, and I can't wait.

If I lost thirteen pounds with just my diet change, what will happen when I add exercise? 

We'll find out this month!

Guilty Pleasures

So, if you know much about me, you'll know I'm pretty flipping obsessed with Laurell K Hamilton.  Anita Blake and Merry Gentry are such amazing heroines, and she just has this style of writing that works for me.

Paranormal smut.  Ain't nothin better.

The next book in the Anita series (book 23!) comes out next month.  I've read each book in the series at least twice, because I'm a nerd and before each new book comes out, I like to re-read the previous books in a series.

Today, I am so lucky that I had just started re-reading the series - it turned out to be a rough day. 

First, I apparently turned my alarm off without realizing it.  Thankfully, I didn't fall back asleep, and got up pretty much on time.  Then, the new hair "goop" I bought totally sucked (Vain? Maybe.  But let's be real.  It was bad.) Even though I ate normally today, I was hungry all day with no idea why.  Then, during the fire alarm that we had after lunch, in the nasty weather, I slipped on a manhole while walking down the sidewalk with my right foot, and tried to catch myself with my (bad) left leg, and fell flat on my ass.  Now, the knee is the size of a grapefruit, and hurts like a mother.  Joy of joys.  After that, something else happened (that needs to be left unsaid) and I felt slighted, and offended, and almost, as if I was supposed to be feeling inferior.  Like I was... less.

Lots of little things, but they just added up to making me a general cranky pants.

So, I came home and decided that I needed to relax and read to make myself feel better.  Que leg propping and Anita Blake in Guilty Pleasures. Luckily, I came across a quote within a quote, that was perfect for how I'm feeling right now, and it really helped put my day into perspective for me.

"Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  Eleanor Roosevelt said that.  It is a quote I try to live by.  Most of the time I succeed."

So, like I said, a quote within a quote.  It might have been Eleanor Roosevelt who said it originally, but she and Laurell together reminded me that even though you might know that it's true, sometimes you just don't feel like you can overcome it.

I read that, and I decided there and then, I won't allow it.  I might have let them get the best of me for a little while, but all it takes sometimes is one moment, one point of clarity, and you can remind yourself that you are NOT inferior to them, unless you choose otherwise.   I choose not to be.

So now, I'm going to go to bed, no longer feeling inferior, and look forward to begin re-reading The Laughing Corpse tomorrow during my lunch break.  Let's see what wisdom Laurell can lay on me tomorrow!

Blessings and Priorities

If you've been following along with me, you'll know how crazy things have been for me.  Granted, I am sure I sometimes allow things to overwhelm me and make me feel like it's worse than it really is, but that's usually when I'm off my meds, or I've accidentally skipped a day, or something.  Recently, because of a delay at my pharmacy, I ended up having to go FIVE DAYS without my Prozac.  Five.  Can you imagine the emotional freak I have become while waiting for it to build back up in my system?  Just ask The Beard, it hasn't been pretty.

Prozac is a Hell of a drug. 

But, even through the meltdown of my emotional well-being, I've been pretty much ok.  I've learned over the years to realize when I'm being unreasonable, or an obsessive freak, or whatever, and I can control it to an extent now.  This week?  Not so much.  Through it all though, I've been keeping up with my daily chores, and better eating, etc.  For me, that is a HUGE breakthrough.  Normally when I get to this point, I just let it all go, allow my efforts and progress to fall by the wayside.

Thankfully, this time, I haven't done that.  And here are where the blessings come in. 

My friends and family are helping me in ways that I never thought possible.  My closest friends, The FirstLove and The Lahore have been a constant presence in my life.  They support me in everything, and push me to keep going, and to do better, without even saying a word.  And for the first time, I'm actually allowing myself to make the effort to be the same in theirs.

You see, I don't know if it was because of my depression, self doubt, my vitamin D levels, or the trajectory of the Moon's orbit around the Earth, but although I have always tried to be a good friend, I have rarely been an active... instigator?  Planner? ...something.  Hopefully you know what I'm getting at.  (I suck at initiating plans, etc)  Maybe it's because I've been hurt by so many people in the past, friends especially, that I try to give my all to, and then I get crapped on.  Maybe it's because I got tired of giving my all to that person, only to get nothing back, and then have even more taken from me.  Maybe it's that I never really could understand how to have more than one "best friend" at a time, because I thought it was almost like cheating.   How can I be BEST FRIENDS with more than one person?  Does that mean I'm holding things back from them?  Isn't every girl's dream to have that one BFF that means the world to you and lasts forever?  

Now, though, I truly believe that isn't the case.  The Lahore and The FirstLove are two completely different people.  Each of them has things about them that are exactly what I need, when I need it.  It doesn't mean, when I go to one for advice or to talk, that the other means less to me.  All it means is that I know them both well enough to know who I might need at that particular moment.  And, I also realize that I am person enough, and have enough love, that I can be there for both of them when they need me, and even that doesn't divide anything within myself.

Every relationship with every person is different.  Different does NOT mean that it means less, or more. 

And now that I've figured this out for myself, I have realized that I am starting to cultivate other friendships too.  I'm developing new ones, and trying to resuscitate or rekindle old ones.  One, in particular, who I shall call Momma Duck, was someone I met through chance, via her small business.  We've done business together several times over the past few years, and we've slowly gotten to know each other.  She's someone that I am truly glad that I have gotten to know better, and her blog post today inspired me to write my own.  Being inspired by the people around you is one of the most beautiful things, and I am making it a point to continue to surround myself with those people.  No more hiding at home, no more holding back in relationships just because it's easier, or safer.  I will continue to give my all, and to try to give it more often. 

I know it will make my life even richer, and I want to take full advantage of that. 

Not to mention, lucky me, The Beard has this weekend as his weekend off this month, so I actually get to spend more than one day with him at a time!  True, I am going to a class tonight (I will post pictures of the finished project later), but it is supposed to end early, and the rest of the weekend is for us!  Initially, I wanted to continue on my purging mission, and I might still work on it some, but he is another one of those main blessings in my life (even if sometimes when I'm in meltdown mode I overlook that!), and have decided that I want to make spending time with him the priority.  Every other weekend (at least the Saturdays) is mine to do with as I choose, and I am finding that more and more often I am filling those weekends with friends and loved ones, so on his weekends off, he's going to be stuck with me, like it or not.  I don't care if we nap, or play with the cats, or do nothing, but we'll do it together. 

Unless he wants to go fishing... I get bored and eaten alive by bugs when I go with him.  Aint' nobody got time for that!

Back at it

Well, it's been a while since my last post.  Things have been crazy busy, and I've been trying hard to get my life in order.  I'm still not 100% there, but I can honestly say I'm making some great progress, and it feels amazing. 

I don't have any idea how much (if any) weight I've lost, though I can feel and see subtle differences.  All I know is that I'm eating healthier, and that's important.  This past week The Beard and I have been taking turns making yummy, healthy dinners each night.  We usually either fend for ourselves, or make/eat whatever is easiest because we're being lazy.  Monday I made chicken and green beans, and I finished everything on my plate! 

Plenty of protein in that huge hunk of chicken, and it was soooo good!

Working out starts tomorrow come Hell or high water!  Woop WOOP!

Saturday, I spent the majority of my day cleaning the apartment from top to bottom. (Except for the bedrooms, which I've been working on a little at a time each night this week, and will tackle more this weekend!)  I purged SO MUCH STUFF, it felt amazing.  Especially in the fridge and pantry!  So much food that we won't eat, or had expired without us realizing since it had been pushed to the back of the pantry behind taller boxes, etc.  Between that, cleaning out files, piles of mail, and a million other things, the back of The Beard's Highlander was stuffed FULL of trash bags and other items that needed to go to the dumpster.  It was... pretty freeing.  And I'm not even close to done.  It's just added fuel to a fire that I haven't had in a loooong time. 

TIME TO PURGE!! 

I really want to insert some sort of "Winter is Coming" thing there, but don't know how to do it.  

I'm just so tired of being surrounded by so much.... stuff.  I know a lot of it is needed, but a huge portion of it isn't.  I have a tendency to hold on to things that I might need.  At any point.  Ever.  Sometimes it reaches small hoard levels, but then I get to the point where I just have to thin it out.  and now, I'm in this zone where I want to clean things out, and brighten things up.  (This vitamin D must be messing with my brain!)  I got some melon-ish green curtains for the living room ($13 per panel at Walmart, thank you very much!), which The Beard dislikes immensely, but I LOVE, because they're bright and airy and cheery.  So, I'll be getting another set for the big window by the kitchen, and probably get a smaller panel to turn into a valence for the patio door.  Something quick and easy that will brighten up things even more.  They're curtains; he'll ignore them, and I'll love them every time I see them.

I've also been trying to make sure that I come home every day after work and before I do anything else, I do a chore or two.  It's keeping things so much neater around here, it's awesome.  The current BIG chore?  Going through our entire closet, sorting and washing every. piece. of. clothing. that. we. have. - and then deciding what gets put away, and what gets given away.  I have a feeling there will be more clothes in the latter pile than the former.  I love clothes, but I am totally one of those people who have like two favorite things and wear them all the time.  Time to thin things out!! For both of us. 

Once I get everything purged out, it's going to be hardcore back to crafting time.  So, I will come home, do a chore or two, do a workout with The Beard, and then craft.  Pretty much every day.  Sounds pretty awesome if you ask me.  Especially since I'm working on a semi-secret new project with a family member that could potentially turn into something big, especially since I might already have a vendor/contact.  I'm hoping to get working on it this weekend, but I have to wait for my order of a certain supply to come in the mail so that I can.  Fingers crossed I can make it work, and it turns out like I am hoping it will!!  It could be the beginning of something beautiful.  Don't worry though, Sassy Cat Studios isn't going by the wayside.  In fact, I signed up for TWO more purse making classes this week!  This Friday, I will be making the "Zippy Strippy" bag:



And on July 5th, I will be making the "Candice Purse":



I can't wait!  If you're interested in either of these, or my other bag, feel free to let me know!  It will be nice to get sewing again.  I need to get my store filled up!  There are a few different things I am hoping to accomplish this weekend, so hopefully I'll have a few things to add before the weekend is over.  I'll keep you posted!

Finally, this weekend, when I'm not in class until 10pm Friday night, or at The Lahore's dance recital, or purging stuff around the house, or hanging out with The Beard since it's his only weekend off, I will be making my own liquid hand soap... I can make about a gallon for less than the cost of one small bottle at the store!  (Yes, I am that cheap sometimes, but I figure the small cost involved trying it is worth the chance of trying it out)  I'm not a huge hand soap fan.  I wash my hands, but I hate how dry it always leaves my skin feeling after.  It's always Step 1: Wash Hands. Step 2: Dry Hands. Step 3: Put on Lotion.  I hate it!  So, I found a soap base that is reported to be super moisturized, unscented, and organic/toxin free.  I might even add a few essential oils, but I haven't decided yet.  I will report back, and maybe even do a play-by-play if anyone is interested.  I'm hoping it goes well, cross your fingers that I don't burn down my kitchen or something equally me.  

So... I hope you all are having a good week.  I hope you're getting your little tasks done, checking things off lists, getting some relaxation like my parents are doing, or whatever you feel is important right now.  I've got so many things to do that I might end up making one of my ever famous, always growing lists.  Or, I might not.  It doesn't all have to be done RIGHT NOW.  But it does need to be worked on, and I have made myself (and the Beard) the promise that I will. 

Wish me luck, and more importantly, will power!!