If you've been following along with me, you'll know how crazy things have been for me. Granted, I am sure I sometimes allow things to overwhelm me and make me feel like it's worse than it really is, but that's usually when I'm off my meds, or I've accidentally skipped a day, or something. Recently, because of a delay at my pharmacy, I ended up having to go FIVE DAYS without my Prozac. Five. Can you imagine the emotional freak I have become while waiting for it to build back up in my system? Just ask The Beard, it hasn't been pretty.
Prozac is a Hell of a drug.
But, even through the meltdown of my emotional well-being, I've been pretty much ok. I've learned over the years to realize when I'm being unreasonable, or an obsessive freak, or whatever, and I can control it to an extent now. This week? Not so much. Through it all though, I've been keeping up with my daily chores, and better eating, etc. For me, that is a HUGE breakthrough. Normally when I get to this point, I just let it all go, allow my efforts and progress to fall by the wayside.
Thankfully, this time, I haven't done that. And here are where the blessings come in.
My friends and family are helping me in ways that I never thought possible. My closest friends, The FirstLove and The Lahore have been a constant presence in my life. They support me in everything, and push me to keep going, and to do better, without even saying a word. And for the first time, I'm actually allowing myself to make the effort to be the same in theirs.
You see, I don't know if it was because of my depression, self doubt, my vitamin D levels, or the trajectory of the Moon's orbit around the Earth, but although I have always tried to be a good friend, I have rarely been an active... instigator? Planner? ...something. Hopefully you know what I'm getting at. (I suck at initiating plans, etc) Maybe it's because I've been hurt by so many people in the past, friends especially, that I try to give my all to, and then I get crapped on. Maybe it's because I got tired of giving my all to that person, only to get nothing back, and then have even more taken from me. Maybe it's that I never really could understand how to have more than one "best friend" at a time, because I thought it was almost like cheating. How can I be BEST FRIENDS with more than one person? Does that mean I'm holding things back from them? Isn't every girl's dream to have that one BFF that means the world to you and lasts forever?
Now, though, I truly believe that isn't the case. The Lahore and The FirstLove are two completely different people. Each of them has things about them that are exactly what I need, when I need it. It doesn't mean, when I go to one for advice or to talk, that the other means less to me. All it means is that I know them both well enough to know who I might need at that particular moment. And, I also realize that I am person enough, and have enough love, that I can be there for both of them when they need me, and even that doesn't divide anything within myself.
Every relationship with every person is different. Different does NOT mean that it means less, or more.
And now that I've figured this out for myself, I have realized that I am starting to cultivate other friendships too. I'm developing new ones, and trying to resuscitate or rekindle old ones. One, in particular, who I shall call Momma Duck, was someone I met through chance, via her small business. We've done business together several times over the past few years, and we've slowly gotten to know each other. She's someone that I am truly glad that I have gotten to know better, and her blog post today inspired me to write my own. Being inspired by the people around you is one of the most beautiful things, and I am making it a point to continue to surround myself with those people. No more hiding at home, no more holding back in relationships just because it's easier, or safer. I will continue to give my all, and to try to give it more often.
I know it will make my life even richer, and I want to take full advantage of that.
Not to mention, lucky me, The Beard has this weekend as his weekend off this month, so I actually get to spend more than one day with him at a time! True, I am going to a class tonight (I will post pictures of the finished project later), but it is supposed to end early, and the rest of the weekend is for us! Initially, I wanted to continue on my purging mission, and I might still work on it some, but he is another one of those main blessings in my life (even if sometimes when I'm in meltdown mode I overlook that!), and have decided that I want to make spending time with him the priority. Every other weekend (at least the Saturdays) is mine to do with as I choose, and I am finding that more and more often I am filling those weekends with friends and loved ones, so on his weekends off, he's going to be stuck with me, like it or not. I don't care if we nap, or play with the cats, or do nothing, but we'll do it together.
Unless he wants to go fishing... I get bored and eaten alive by bugs when I go with him. Aint' nobody got time for that!
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