Happiness and Phd's

4:30am is a time that I should NEVER have to experience awake. Yet, today, it happened again.  Admittedly, though, it was my fault.  I am on a new medication that I have to take in half doses.  One half in early morning, and then one half at 3pm, OR as early as I need to take it so that my sleep cycle isn't interrupted.  (Seriously, I have to be careful.  I took it in a full dose once a few weeks ago, and got what I call "squiggly," jittery and crazy)

Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one yesterday.  I forgot to take it before lunch, so I took it as soon as I remembered, which apparently wasn't early enough.  Que: wide awake at 4:30am.   It's ok though, I'm just going to set myself a deadline from now on.  If I don't take the second half before 1pm, I just won't take it. 

So, what do I do when I'm awake 2 hours early?  Blog of course!

As I lay in bed, trying to get back to sleep, I had a thought.  Lately, things in general have been getting better for me.  I'm working hard to reach my goals, and people in my life (both those I am close to, and people I hardly know) are being so wonderful, helpful, and supportive of me that it's almost unbelievable.  HUGE helps like TheBooch (aka my MIL) who replaced my "sippy cup" that I broke over the weekend (a 24 ounce Starbucks cold cup that I use EVERY. DAY. and they don't make anymore.  Trust me, I've even tried their new version.  It isn't even CLOSE to being the same.  OCD?  Who, ME??), and took me to Fresh Market for lots of yummy, healthy food.  Also, smaller things, like my hairdresser, whom I LOVE, helping me "train" my bangs to grow out in a certain way so that I can have more options when I reach my weight loss goal and chop all of my hair off for donation, and then giving me a huge hug and a discount on my bang trim, and telling me how proud of me she is.  A selfless, generous sister, who, even though I know she doesn't have much, goes above and beyond by sending me things that she has and doesn't need or use anymore, always with a sweet card, simply because she thinks I'll like it, or because she thinks that I can use it in my crafting/business.  A guy my husband works and plays softball with, who checked out my car yesterday, which hasn't had functioning AC since LAST spring (seriously... chubby girl + no AC in a Richmond summer?  NOT PRETTY.), and saved the day (and my wallet) buy figuring out that all I need is a new hose that leads to my compressor, since apparently mine has a hole in it.  I have no doubt that any auto shop would have told me I needed a $300+ compressor, and who knows what else.  Instead, it's probably a $50 hose, plus his labor.  My amazing Mom even gave me $50 to put towards the repairs because she's silly and I watched their house/ checked their mail while they were on vacation, so the part will probably be, technically, free! 

And those are only a few examples.  It's so humbling, and it makes me want to do so much for others.
I think, though, not too far in the past, I wouldn't as easily have been able to recognize these blessings for what they are.

Clinical depression is a tough thing.  Even if you KNOW you have it, it doesn't mean that you can ignore it, or just make it better.  The Beard and I once had a couple that we were friends with, right around the time I was diagnosed and started the medications for my own depression.  It wasn't something that I talked about with a lot of people back then, but I shared it with them one night.  The husband quickly and emphatically informed me that depression isn't truly a medical issue.  All I have to do is DECIDE that I want to be happy, and I will simply end my depression, I will be happy!  I was SO thankful when he told me that, I had no idea!  At that moment, I made the decision:  I AM NO LONGER DEPRESSED.  I AM HAPPY!!! It worked!!

Right...  Then, I realized, I don't remember seeing a Phd beside his name. Maybe it's not that simple, and I should listen to my ACTUAL doctor.  

I remember listening to him lecture me on how it was a choice, not a chemical imbalance, and just boiled.  Back then, I just let him have his say and didn't debate him.  He was either someone who had never dealt with depression, ignorant, or delusional.  (I determined it was one of the latter.) 

We don't really spend time with them anymore.  Surprised?

Now that I am on my medication and have begun correcting my Vitamin D deficiency, though, I can FINALLY say that I believe I am beginning to win this battle.  I feel different...better than I have in years.  Mentally, physically, and emotionally.  It's incredible, like a veil (or more accurately, a shroud) has been lifted from me. 

Now that I have gotten on the right physiological track, I am starting to get on the right mental track too.  I have realized that depression held me back from so many things.  It made me hold myself back from others, from experiences.  Closing myself off from those things hurt me just as much as the depression itself.  Now though, I am opening myself as much as possible, and I can tell that that is helping me even more.  I'm giving and receiving more than I ever thought possible, I'm making and developing connections that enrich my life.  I'm just... happier. 

So, if you're struggling with depression, don't just deal with it.  Confront it.  I am so glad that I did, my life has changed so much for the better.  I am here to talk, even if it's just to be a sounding board.

Though, I too lack a Phd beside my name.