Damn it feels good to be a gangster!
Wait, no. I don't think that's right. Sorry, I'll try that again.
Damn it feels good to be myself again.
...That's a bit more like it. Though, I am pretty gangster, you have to admit. Yo.
Yet again, I have become pretty remiss with my writing. We've had a few rough days around here lately, but thankfully I think they're mainly behind us. Now I'm taking a break to write this while The Beard and The Black Cat snuggle up on the love seat like the spoiled little love bugs they are, and The Grey Cat makes her rounds between lying on the bed and sitting in the hallway crying for us to come get in the bed with her so she can lie on the bed on top of us as we lie on the bed (yes, really). This leaves me to fidget through my "Topomax Tingles" and write about my journey to the return to myself. (These tingles really suck, by the way. I don't recommend them)
I've been lucky enough lately to have some wonderful conversations with several different people, each of whom I have known throughout different periods of my life. It's been really nice to talk to each of them about our relationships, each other, how we've both changed over the years (or over however long we've known each other) and then most of them have somehow also expanded to how I've changed (or not changed) recently.
Today, my conversation was with a friend I shall call MommaDuck. I feel like I've mentioned her on here before (but I could also be delusional, so since I couldn't find it, I guess I haven't). Anyway, we talked this morning, and though we've known each other for several years now (having basically met through a sort of business arrangement) we are really only recently beginning to develop a more personal relationship. She mentioned to me that she has noticed a change in me lately, that I seem freer and happier. It's true. I do feel that way. I also feel like I'm making a real effort to try to open myself to people around me. It's not that I didn't care about them before, it's not that I had no interest in developing the friendship with MommaDuck before, it's that whatever it was that has finally lifted off my shoulders now, held me back then. And it wasn't just with people like MommaDuck. Ask The FirstLove, we lived ACROSS THE POOL FROM EACH OTHER FOR A FULL YEAR and saw each other TWICE. All because I was great at shutting myself away. Doing the minimum that I felt that I had to. My conversation with MommaDuck this morning warmed my heart a great deal and let me know that I am improving. I am shedding that thick, hermit-like skin that I used to keep myself tucked away from everyone. Apparently I'm losing more than fat these days.
I've also talked to some men from my past lately, one that was always only a friend, and one that was a sometimes a boyfriend, and sometimes a friend (it's been almost 10 years since it's been the former, and he's the only ex that I've ever been able to remain friends with, and I do still consider him a good friend) Both conversations followed similar paths, and I was delighted to know that both men think of me as some kind of brutally-honest, strong willed, fiery woman. They were lucky enough to both be gone from my life for the period of time when those things were pulled from me, when my sparkle was snuffed by one controlling person after the next. (Or, rather, I was lucky enough to be spared knowing they saw it) They didn't see my light die, and they haven't seen me in person since, so it's harder for them to tell the difference I'm sure. Talking to them though, these two men that were such important parts of my formative years, hearing what they thought of me... what they still think of me... it meant a lot. It reaffirms my belief that I can be that person again, if I'm not already.
Brutally honest? Check. That never stopped. Sorry folks. Me lying to you isn't going to do either of us any favors.
Strong willed? Fiery? I'd say The Beard would say those are both back in full force ;)
I guess I'm well on my way.
Finally, two weeks ago was our 4th wedding anniversary. Since The Beard took that weekend off of work so we could celebrate, we finally went and got new glasses for both of us too. As we were grabbing lunch before our eye appointment, I was talking, he was eating, and I realized that I was talking a million miles a minute, about nothing in particular. Not very like me. It stopped me mid sentence and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him I realized was talking way more than normal. He said that he realized that, but he also said that I had been acting more and more that way lately, and it was more like the way I was when we first met than I have been in years. That was 8 years ago.
So, as I keep working on my weight, I'm going to keep working on everything else too. I can't work on one part of me and neglect the others. Progress in one area seems to feed it in the others, so I'm going to keep feeding it in whatever areas that I can. That way, once I've reached my goal, the ONLY way I'll be well rounded, will be metaphorically speaking.
Well, metaphorically, and with my fly curves like Sir Mix-A-Lot likes. I'm only an inch taller than he prefers. Just saying.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
One Month at a Time
Today was the day - my monthly weigh in with my doctor. I know I wrote yesterday about being freaked, and it didn't go away. Admittedly, them making me wait an extra 30 minutes because they were running behind didn't help things. I am many things, but a patient person is not one of them.
As you may know, my goal for this month was to lose another 12 pounds. I lost 13 in the first month, so I figured I could do it again. 25 pounds in two months would be amazing.
Sadly, I did not end up meeting my goal this month. I saw my number and my heart dropped. This time, there was no spike of excitement, no realization that I suck at math and really did much better than I originally thought. There was only disappointment.
I hadn't reached my goal. I only lost six pounds.
Half of my goal.
As I sat there, supremely disappointed, the nurse told me that I had done a fantastic job. Nineteen pounds lost in only two months! Not only that, but my BP is fantastic, and I've lost 3 BMI points, and 7% of my total body weight. Isn't that great??
Even with all of that, I wanted to cry again, but this time they weren't happy tears. Thankfully, I managed to hold them back, and while I waited for the doc, I texted The Beard:
Me: Only 6 pounds :(
Beardo: Yeah ONLY 6 pounds....
Me: My goal was 12, remember?
Beardo: Yeah so... you still LOST weight
Conversations with my Mom, my dad, my step-mom, my two best bitches, (and another conversation with The Beard where I say I feel like I'm being an asshole to myself about this, and him agreeing) later, and I'm getting over myself.
They're all right, of course. I've lost six more pounds, nineteen total! That's no small feet within two months. Actually, it's pretty (excuse my French) fucking amazing. I've never accomplished that before. Now, I just have to kick it into high gear. No more skipping the working out portion of the weight loss journey. I've gotten the resistance bands out, and am going to pull out our Beach Body videos, and we'll start tomorrow.
No more forgetting my meds, no more being a lazy wretch. No more not buying my protein supplements because they're so damned expensive (For real though, it's ridiculous) I've committed myself to this, and I will continue to succeed. This month, though I still made progress, losing only half of my goal has just added fuel to my fire. I don't want another disappointing month, though I know they will come, as my Dad told me today, "Your body is going to fight you the entire way. Just don't let it win."
All I can do is learn from the past 30 days, make adjustments, and move forward.
All I can do is take one month at a time.
As you may know, my goal for this month was to lose another 12 pounds. I lost 13 in the first month, so I figured I could do it again. 25 pounds in two months would be amazing.
Sadly, I did not end up meeting my goal this month. I saw my number and my heart dropped. This time, there was no spike of excitement, no realization that I suck at math and really did much better than I originally thought. There was only disappointment.
I hadn't reached my goal. I only lost six pounds.
Half of my goal.
As I sat there, supremely disappointed, the nurse told me that I had done a fantastic job. Nineteen pounds lost in only two months! Not only that, but my BP is fantastic, and I've lost 3 BMI points, and 7% of my total body weight. Isn't that great??
Even with all of that, I wanted to cry again, but this time they weren't happy tears. Thankfully, I managed to hold them back, and while I waited for the doc, I texted The Beard:
Me: Only 6 pounds :(
Beardo: Yeah ONLY 6 pounds....
Me: My goal was 12, remember?
Beardo: Yeah so... you still LOST weight
Conversations with my Mom, my dad, my step-mom, my two best bitches, (and another conversation with The Beard where I say I feel like I'm being an asshole to myself about this, and him agreeing) later, and I'm getting over myself.
They're all right, of course. I've lost six more pounds, nineteen total! That's no small feet within two months. Actually, it's pretty (excuse my French) fucking amazing. I've never accomplished that before. Now, I just have to kick it into high gear. No more skipping the working out portion of the weight loss journey. I've gotten the resistance bands out, and am going to pull out our Beach Body videos, and we'll start tomorrow.
No more forgetting my meds, no more being a lazy wretch. No more not buying my protein supplements because they're so damned expensive (For real though, it's ridiculous) I've committed myself to this, and I will continue to succeed. This month, though I still made progress, losing only half of my goal has just added fuel to my fire. I don't want another disappointing month, though I know they will come, as my Dad told me today, "Your body is going to fight you the entire way. Just don't let it win."
All I can do is learn from the past 30 days, make adjustments, and move forward.
All I can do is take one month at a time.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Lost and Found
It's been a good while since my last post, but I honestly haven't been sure of what I really want to say. I've had ups and down, and lots of middle-of-the-roads, but such is life.
The best thing that has happened since I last wrote is that my family came down from Maryland to visit me on July 5th, and we went to the Metro Richmond Zoo. They haven't been down to visit me in four years (literally, it will be four years on Thursday, the day The Beard and I got married!), and my sister, Erika, has never been to my apartment, even though we "got her" about 5 years ago.
I had such a wonderful time. I've missed my sisters and family so much. The Zoo is amazing, if you live in central VA you really should check it out. You can feed giraffes, budgies (little birds) and tons of other animals. Be careful though, the giraffes try and steal your food cups, and the budgies swarmed me!! It was all fun though, and we had such a good time as a family, even though it was a short trip. The Beard was even able to get away from work to have lunch with us, which was nice. I am hoping I can get up there for a visit in August, and my Dad and I can work on our new business/project together!
Other than that, things have been hectic. Lots of work, cleaning, crafting, etc. It's been good for me, I have four orders that I am going to mail out tomorrow, and one that I delivered last week. I'm trying hard to really get this business off of the ground.
Tomorrow, though, is "T" day. I go for my monthly check-in with my doctor, and see how my weight loss progress is going. I think I've been throwing myself into cleaning and crafting, because it's helping to take my mind off of it. Today, I'm pretty freaked. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I missed a day or two of Prozac (yes, again. I finally had to admit that my new way of trying to remind myself isn't working, so I'm going back to the old way) but I am feeling nervous about it! I can see/feel more of a difference this month that I remember feeling last month, but still. There's that voice: What if you failed? What if you didn't lose enough? What if this turns into a repeat of all of your other attempts in the past and you fail?
That voice is a total, hateful, bitch.
That voice is trying to make me lose my nerve. At some moments, it almost succeeds. Then, I talk to people like The Beard, and The Lahore, like I did this morning, and they remind me that I'm being an idiot. It's not a numbers game! How many times have I said I WILL NOT play that particular game anymore? Too many to count, I'm sure. Yet, here I am again. Trying to play by those rules. Never mind the fact that, fresh out of the dryer this morning, my pants fit a little looser this time, than they did the last time I put them on fresh out of the dryer. And never mind the fact that I'm wearing a shirt to work today that I haven't been able to wear in FOREVER because the sleeves were a little too tight. And never mind the fact that I feel like I'm practically beating my elbows to death on my desk at work now, because there isn't as much fat to cushion them there anymore. Are those not victories?? Apparently my stupid number-craving brain wants to ignore all of that and focus on numbers. My number-craving brain is apparently a total, hateful bitch too.
So, I'm going to try and stop thinking about tomorrow. It is what it is. I can't change anything now. I'm not going to wrap myself up like a baked potato and try and sweat out 5 pounds tonight. I will go, and I will get my results, and I will continue on next month, with whatever adjustments that I feel are necessary to get the results that I want. The Beard is about to start coaching little league football, and the kids have to do conditioning, so we have agreed that we're going to start doing it too. Not exactly what they are doing, but something on our own. I hate asking people to do things that I wouldn't do myself, and even though it's not ME asking those kids, I think it's a really good excuse to get it going.
One thing that I am holding onto as a sign of positive things to come, is that I found my turtle necklace while organizing our bedroom this weekend. That may seem silly, but a few years ago I thought I had lost it forever. It turns out that I, as per usual, put it in a spot for "safe keeping," and then forgot where that spot was.
I'm a genius.
Why is a silly turtle necklace so important, you ask? There are several reasons. The first, is that it encompasses two of the most important things in my life.
1- My Sigma Sigma Sigma charm is on it. My sisters, though we may not see each other all of the time anymore, mean so much to me, and I don't know what I would do without them. They are my rock, my amusement, the people that saved me and brought me back out of my shell, and many other things that I couldn't begin to describe or thank them for.
2- The chain is the first gift that The Beard ever gave to me. It is a white gold chain, and he got it for me for my 21st birthday, the first birthday that I celebrated with him. He got me the chain, because the original one that it was on broke, and it broke my heart.
Why did a crappy chain breaking, break my heart, you ask? Because I had gotten this necklace, turtle and chain, MANY years before. In 6th grade, actually. To this day, I STILL don't know who it came from. All I know is that I got a package in the mail, and this necklace was in it with a note from a "secret admirer." It could have been from a family member trying to make me feel special, or from a real secret admirer, I don't know, and I don't know if I really care. (Though, honestly, it would be nice to find out one day) But I do know is this: at that young and delicate age, it made me feel better than anything. I felt so special and important. I felt like I mattered. Isn't that what every young girl wants and NEEDS to feel? This small gift did it for me. This small gift STILL does it for me now.
I can be so careless with things. Things break, or get lost; but somehow, I have managed to hold on to this small thing for more than 15 years. When I was with The Beard, and took it off one day, the chain snapped. It was a cheap chain, but still. It broke my heart, and I felt the loss of it, and I cried. It isn't worth any money, or flashy, or anything like that. All it's worth is how it makes me feel: It makes me feel like I have worth. Not that I usually don't, but who doesn't love an extra boost? The Beard recognized that, and replaced the chain, turning it into something that meant even more to me. Something from him, the man that I loved, that would keep my turtle safe. And for 8 years, it has done exactly that.
So... I'm going to go in tomorrow wearing my turtle, and let it remind me that I might sometimes lose my nerve, and allow the numbers game to cheat me, but I will always find myself, and those things that make me, me... and I will carry on and accomplish anything I put my mind to.
If a clumsy and careless girl like me can keep a tiny turtle necklace for almost 20 years, how can I not?
The best thing that has happened since I last wrote is that my family came down from Maryland to visit me on July 5th, and we went to the Metro Richmond Zoo. They haven't been down to visit me in four years (literally, it will be four years on Thursday, the day The Beard and I got married!), and my sister, Erika, has never been to my apartment, even though we "got her" about 5 years ago.
I had such a wonderful time. I've missed my sisters and family so much. The Zoo is amazing, if you live in central VA you really should check it out. You can feed giraffes, budgies (little birds) and tons of other animals. Be careful though, the giraffes try and steal your food cups, and the budgies swarmed me!! It was all fun though, and we had such a good time as a family, even though it was a short trip. The Beard was even able to get away from work to have lunch with us, which was nice. I am hoping I can get up there for a visit in August, and my Dad and I can work on our new business/project together!
Other than that, things have been hectic. Lots of work, cleaning, crafting, etc. It's been good for me, I have four orders that I am going to mail out tomorrow, and one that I delivered last week. I'm trying hard to really get this business off of the ground.
Tomorrow, though, is "T" day. I go for my monthly check-in with my doctor, and see how my weight loss progress is going. I think I've been throwing myself into cleaning and crafting, because it's helping to take my mind off of it. Today, I'm pretty freaked. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I missed a day or two of Prozac (yes, again. I finally had to admit that my new way of trying to remind myself isn't working, so I'm going back to the old way) but I am feeling nervous about it! I can see/feel more of a difference this month that I remember feeling last month, but still. There's that voice: What if you failed? What if you didn't lose enough? What if this turns into a repeat of all of your other attempts in the past and you fail?
That voice is a total, hateful, bitch.
That voice is trying to make me lose my nerve. At some moments, it almost succeeds. Then, I talk to people like The Beard, and The Lahore, like I did this morning, and they remind me that I'm being an idiot. It's not a numbers game! How many times have I said I WILL NOT play that particular game anymore? Too many to count, I'm sure. Yet, here I am again. Trying to play by those rules. Never mind the fact that, fresh out of the dryer this morning, my pants fit a little looser this time, than they did the last time I put them on fresh out of the dryer. And never mind the fact that I'm wearing a shirt to work today that I haven't been able to wear in FOREVER because the sleeves were a little too tight. And never mind the fact that I feel like I'm practically beating my elbows to death on my desk at work now, because there isn't as much fat to cushion them there anymore. Are those not victories?? Apparently my stupid number-craving brain wants to ignore all of that and focus on numbers. My number-craving brain is apparently a total, hateful bitch too.
So, I'm going to try and stop thinking about tomorrow. It is what it is. I can't change anything now. I'm not going to wrap myself up like a baked potato and try and sweat out 5 pounds tonight. I will go, and I will get my results, and I will continue on next month, with whatever adjustments that I feel are necessary to get the results that I want. The Beard is about to start coaching little league football, and the kids have to do conditioning, so we have agreed that we're going to start doing it too. Not exactly what they are doing, but something on our own. I hate asking people to do things that I wouldn't do myself, and even though it's not ME asking those kids, I think it's a really good excuse to get it going.
One thing that I am holding onto as a sign of positive things to come, is that I found my turtle necklace while organizing our bedroom this weekend. That may seem silly, but a few years ago I thought I had lost it forever. It turns out that I, as per usual, put it in a spot for "safe keeping," and then forgot where that spot was.
I'm a genius.
 |
| My turtle and Tri-Sigma necklace <3 |
Why is a silly turtle necklace so important, you ask? There are several reasons. The first, is that it encompasses two of the most important things in my life.
1- My Sigma Sigma Sigma charm is on it. My sisters, though we may not see each other all of the time anymore, mean so much to me, and I don't know what I would do without them. They are my rock, my amusement, the people that saved me and brought me back out of my shell, and many other things that I couldn't begin to describe or thank them for.
2- The chain is the first gift that The Beard ever gave to me. It is a white gold chain, and he got it for me for my 21st birthday, the first birthday that I celebrated with him. He got me the chain, because the original one that it was on broke, and it broke my heart.
Why did a crappy chain breaking, break my heart, you ask? Because I had gotten this necklace, turtle and chain, MANY years before. In 6th grade, actually. To this day, I STILL don't know who it came from. All I know is that I got a package in the mail, and this necklace was in it with a note from a "secret admirer." It could have been from a family member trying to make me feel special, or from a real secret admirer, I don't know, and I don't know if I really care. (Though, honestly, it would be nice to find out one day) But I do know is this: at that young and delicate age, it made me feel better than anything. I felt so special and important. I felt like I mattered. Isn't that what every young girl wants and NEEDS to feel? This small gift did it for me. This small gift STILL does it for me now.
I can be so careless with things. Things break, or get lost; but somehow, I have managed to hold on to this small thing for more than 15 years. When I was with The Beard, and took it off one day, the chain snapped. It was a cheap chain, but still. It broke my heart, and I felt the loss of it, and I cried. It isn't worth any money, or flashy, or anything like that. All it's worth is how it makes me feel: It makes me feel like I have worth. Not that I usually don't, but who doesn't love an extra boost? The Beard recognized that, and replaced the chain, turning it into something that meant even more to me. Something from him, the man that I loved, that would keep my turtle safe. And for 8 years, it has done exactly that.
So... I'm going to go in tomorrow wearing my turtle, and let it remind me that I might sometimes lose my nerve, and allow the numbers game to cheat me, but I will always find myself, and those things that make me, me... and I will carry on and accomplish anything I put my mind to.
If a clumsy and careless girl like me can keep a tiny turtle necklace for almost 20 years, how can I not?
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