Back To Me

Damn it feels good to be a gangster! 

Wait, no.  I don't think that's right.  Sorry, I'll try that again.

Damn it feels good to be myself again.

...That's a bit more like it.  Though, I am pretty gangster, you have to admit.  Yo.

Yet again, I have become pretty remiss with my writing.  We've had a few rough days around here lately, but thankfully I think they're mainly behind us.  Now I'm taking a break to write this while The Beard and The Black Cat snuggle up on the love seat like the spoiled little love bugs they are, and The Grey Cat makes her rounds between lying on the bed and sitting in the hallway crying for us to come get in the bed with her so she can lie on the bed on top of us as we lie on the bed (yes, really).  This leaves me to fidget through my "Topomax Tingles" and write about my journey to the return to myself. (These tingles really suck, by the way.  I don't recommend them)

I've been lucky enough lately to have some wonderful conversations with several different people, each of whom I have known throughout different periods of my life.  It's been really nice to talk to each of them about our relationships, each other, how we've both changed over the years (or over however long we've known each other) and then most of them have somehow also expanded to how I've changed (or not changed) recently. 

Today, my conversation was with a friend I shall call MommaDuck.  I feel like I've mentioned her on here before (but I could also be delusional, so since I couldn't find it, I guess I haven't).  Anyway, we talked this morning, and though we've known each other for several years now (having basically met through a sort of business arrangement) we are really only recently beginning to develop a more personal relationship.  She mentioned to me that she has noticed a change in me lately, that I seem freer and happier.  It's true.  I do feel that way.  I also feel like I'm making a real effort to try to open myself to people around me.  It's not that I didn't care about them before, it's not that I had no interest in developing the friendship with MommaDuck before, it's that whatever it was that has finally lifted off my shoulders now, held me back then.  And it wasn't just with people like MommaDuck.  Ask The FirstLove, we lived ACROSS THE POOL FROM EACH OTHER FOR A FULL YEAR and saw each other TWICE.  All because I was great at shutting myself away.  Doing the minimum that I felt that I had to.  My conversation with MommaDuck this morning warmed my heart a great deal and let me know that I am improving.  I am shedding that thick, hermit-like skin that I used to keep myself tucked away from everyone.  Apparently I'm losing more than fat these days.

I've also talked to some men from my past lately, one that was always only a friend, and one that was a sometimes a boyfriend, and sometimes a friend (it's been almost 10 years since it's been the former, and he's the only ex that I've ever been able to remain friends with, and I do still consider him a good friend)  Both conversations followed similar paths, and I was delighted to know that both men think of me as some kind of brutally-honest, strong willed, fiery woman.  They were lucky enough to both be gone from my life for the period of time when those things were pulled from me, when my sparkle was snuffed by one controlling person after the next.  (Or, rather, I was lucky enough to be spared knowing they saw it)  They didn't see my light die, and they haven't seen me in person since, so it's harder for them to tell the difference I'm sure.  Talking to them though, these two men that were such important parts of my formative years, hearing what they thought of me... what they still think of me... it meant a lot.  It reaffirms my belief that I can be that person again, if I'm not already. 

Brutally honest?  Check.  That never stopped.  Sorry folks.  Me lying to you isn't going to do either of us any favors.

Strong willed?  Fiery?  I'd say The Beard would say those are both back in full force ;)

I guess I'm well on my way.

Finally, two weeks ago was our 4th wedding anniversary.  Since The Beard took that weekend off of work so we could celebrate, we finally went and got new glasses for both of us too.  As we were grabbing lunch before our eye appointment, I was talking, he was eating, and I realized that I was talking a million miles a minute, about nothing in particular.  Not very like me.  It stopped me mid sentence and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him I realized was talking way more than normal.  He said that he realized that, but he also said that I had been acting more and more that way lately, and it was more like the way I was when we first met than I have been in years.  That was 8 years ago.

So, as I keep working on my weight, I'm going to keep working on everything else too.  I can't work on one part of me and neglect the others.  Progress in one area seems to feed it in the others, so I'm going to keep feeding it in whatever areas that I can.  That way, once I've reached my goal, the ONLY way I'll be well rounded, will be metaphorically speaking. 

Well, metaphorically, and with my fly curves like Sir Mix-A-Lot likes.  I'm only an inch taller than he prefers.  Just saying.