The best thing that has happened since I last wrote is that my family came down from Maryland to visit me on July 5th, and we went to the Metro Richmond Zoo. They haven't been down to visit me in four years (literally, it will be four years on Thursday, the day The Beard and I got married!), and my sister, Erika, has never been to my apartment, even though we "got her" about 5 years ago.
I had such a wonderful time. I've missed my sisters and family so much. The Zoo is amazing, if you live in central VA you really should check it out. You can feed giraffes, budgies (little birds) and tons of other animals. Be careful though, the giraffes try and steal your food cups, and the budgies swarmed me!! It was all fun though, and we had such a good time as a family, even though it was a short trip. The Beard was even able to get away from work to have lunch with us, which was nice. I am hoping I can get up there for a visit in August, and my Dad and I can work on our new business/project together!
Other than that, things have been hectic. Lots of work, cleaning, crafting, etc. It's been good for me, I have four orders that I am going to mail out tomorrow, and one that I delivered last week. I'm trying hard to really get this business off of the ground.
Tomorrow, though, is "T" day. I go for my monthly check-in with my doctor, and see how my weight loss progress is going. I think I've been throwing myself into cleaning and crafting, because it's helping to take my mind off of it. Today, I'm pretty freaked. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I missed a day or two of Prozac (yes, again. I finally had to admit that my new way of trying to remind myself isn't working, so I'm going back to the old way) but I am feeling nervous about it! I can see/feel more of a difference this month that I remember feeling last month, but still. There's that voice: What if you failed? What if you didn't lose enough? What if this turns into a repeat of all of your other attempts in the past and you fail?
That voice is a total, hateful, bitch.
That voice is trying to make me lose my nerve. At some moments, it almost succeeds. Then, I talk to people like The Beard, and The Lahore, like I did this morning, and they remind me that I'm being an idiot. It's not a numbers game! How many times have I said I WILL NOT play that particular game anymore? Too many to count, I'm sure. Yet, here I am again. Trying to play by those rules. Never mind the fact that, fresh out of the dryer this morning, my pants fit a little looser this time, than they did the last time I put them on fresh out of the dryer. And never mind the fact that I'm wearing a shirt to work today that I haven't been able to wear in FOREVER because the sleeves were a little too tight. And never mind the fact that I feel like I'm practically beating my elbows to death on my desk at work now, because there isn't as much fat to cushion them there anymore. Are those not victories?? Apparently my stupid number-craving brain wants to ignore all of that and focus on numbers. My number-craving brain is apparently a total, hateful bitch too.
So, I'm going to try and stop thinking about tomorrow. It is what it is. I can't change anything now. I'm not going to wrap myself up like a baked potato and try and sweat out 5 pounds tonight. I will go, and I will get my results, and I will continue on next month, with whatever adjustments that I feel are necessary to get the results that I want. The Beard is about to start coaching little league football, and the kids have to do conditioning, so we have agreed that we're going to start doing it too. Not exactly what they are doing, but something on our own. I hate asking people to do things that I wouldn't do myself, and even though it's not ME asking those kids, I think it's a really good excuse to get it going.
One thing that I am holding onto as a sign of positive things to come, is that I found my turtle necklace while organizing our bedroom this weekend. That may seem silly, but a few years ago I thought I had lost it forever. It turns out that I, as per usual, put it in a spot for "safe keeping," and then forgot where that spot was.
I'm a genius.
 |
| My turtle and Tri-Sigma necklace <3 |
Why is a silly turtle necklace so important, you ask? There are several reasons. The first, is that it encompasses two of the most important things in my life.
1- My Sigma Sigma Sigma charm is on it. My sisters, though we may not see each other all of the time anymore, mean so much to me, and I don't know what I would do without them. They are my rock, my amusement, the people that saved me and brought me back out of my shell, and many other things that I couldn't begin to describe or thank them for.
2- The chain is the first gift that The Beard ever gave to me. It is a white gold chain, and he got it for me for my 21st birthday, the first birthday that I celebrated with him. He got me the chain, because the original one that it was on broke, and it broke my heart.
Why did a crappy chain breaking, break my heart, you ask? Because I had gotten this necklace, turtle and chain, MANY years before. In 6th grade, actually. To this day, I STILL don't know who it came from. All I know is that I got a package in the mail, and this necklace was in it with a note from a "secret admirer." It could have been from a family member trying to make me feel special, or from a real secret admirer, I don't know, and I don't know if I really care. (Though, honestly, it would be nice to find out one day) But I do know is this: at that young and delicate age, it made me feel better than anything. I felt so special and important. I felt like I mattered. Isn't that what every young girl wants and NEEDS to feel? This small gift did it for me. This small gift STILL does it for me now.
I can be so careless with things. Things break, or get lost; but somehow, I have managed to hold on to this small thing for more than 15 years. When I was with The Beard, and took it off one day, the chain snapped. It was a cheap chain, but still. It broke my heart, and I felt the loss of it, and I cried. It isn't worth any money, or flashy, or anything like that. All it's worth is how it makes me feel: It makes me feel like I have worth. Not that I usually don't, but who doesn't love an extra boost? The Beard recognized that, and replaced the chain, turning it into something that meant even more to me. Something from him, the man that I loved, that would keep my turtle safe. And for 8 years, it has done exactly that.
So... I'm going to go in tomorrow wearing my turtle, and let it remind me that I might sometimes lose my nerve, and allow the numbers game to cheat me, but I will always find myself, and those things that make me, me... and I will carry on and accomplish anything I put my mind to.
If a clumsy and careless girl like me can keep a tiny turtle necklace for almost 20 years, how can I not?
No comments:
Post a Comment