I'm at this place in my life where, I just want things to be... better... you know? I want to better myself. Better my health, my home, my relationship with my husband, my family, my friends. Just better everything. I don't want to be in a life dragged down by negativity anymore. I don't want to be tired, or lazy, or angry, or hurt. I don't want to let the small (or even the big) things get to me. I don't want to let the hurts that come my way eat at me like they do.
That's the crux of the issue for me though. I keep doing these things to make myself and my life/world "better," but there's that Momma Bear part of me that takes even the smallest slights, the smallest cuts that someone else can give me, and turns them into the deepest and longest lasting wounds. I allow people to make me feel like a villain when I never was one. Even when I know in my head I might not deserve it at all, my heart might not let me believe it. Those wounds and beliefs get into my head, and take over my thoughts and get into the places that my positivity is supposed to be, and they take root and grow until something strong enough to knock me out of the funk happens, which usually is The Beard doing something incredibly stupid just because he knows that I need it, or the grey cat sensing I'm sad and being extra sweet that night. I take things so personally, even when I shouldn't. I can't help it though, I think it's the protector in me, or something.
Maybe it's still the always-made-fun-of chubby girl that internalized everything. Maybe it's just that I care about people too much, often much more than I care about myself.
Whatever it is, I know it's something (else) that I need to work on. But how do you work on trying to care LESS? Or maybe not trying to care less, so much as trying to allow fewer things to hurt you, or effect you as deeply? Maybe I need to get back to meditation and/or yoga, I've been thinking about doing that anyway. Clearing out the apartment and getting my studio/craft room set up so I have a space to go to might help too. Maybe I just need to live in a bubble.
What do you do to help get rid of melancholy or negative emotions that are pulling you down? I'd really love some help with this, it's an issue I'm honestly tired of struggling with, and I'm just not a bottle of wine/pint of ice-cream/drown your sorrows kind of girl.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Resolutions are made to be broken...
It's so hard to believe it's literally been months since I've written a post on here. It's so strange to me, because it is such a catharsis for me to write; to get out all of the thoughts and energy tumbling around inside this crazy, mixed up head of mine and and use it to try to sort things out, or whatever I feel like I need at the moment.
What I've realized lately though, is that I've allowed myself to put this blog on the back-burner because I have "other things" to do. I got so bogged down with work, life, preparation for the holidays, etc., that I just let myself let this go by the wayside. (Admittedly, probably because these usually take me FOREVER to write because I'm pretty OCD about it I don't want to get started because I KNOW how long it will take me before I'm ready to stop, and I hate stopping before I'm really finished!) I need to stop doing that. I need to stop not doing the things that help me, or make me feel better just because they're less convenient. I need to MAKE time for them. I need to make time for me.
I wanted to make some resolutions this year, because hey, it's that time right? That's what all the cool kids are doing! But as the title of this post says: resolutions are made to be broken. Or, more accurately I suppose... they're made, and then they're broken. How many resolutions have you made in the past that you've actually KEPT? The only one that I know of that has been kept, at least in this house, was The Beard's resolution for 2013 to blame the majority of his "noxious emissions" on the cats. (Well, either the cats, or the "barking spiders," or creaky floors, whatever)
2013 was actually a pretty damned great year for me. It started out pretty rough, admittedly. My health sucked, life was insanely stressful. It seemed like my depression was just getting worse and worse. It got to the point where I broke down one day in April and couldn't take it anymore. I had The Beard go with me to see my family doctor, and I was fully prepared to beg him, do whatever I had to do to have him put me on some miracle weight loss drug that I just knew was out there that would help me. Obviously, there wasn't one, but after my totally embarrassing breakdown he DID give me the number to the man who would ultimately become my savior. Six months of working with that doctor on diet and behavior modification later, and I'm just shy of officially being SIXTY pounds lighter than I was when I started seeing him! Admittedly, the weight loss has been a huge thing, the physical difference alone has made a huge change in how I feel and how I see myself.
What I didn't expect, though, was the internal changes that I would go through in addition to the external changes. These happened without my even trying. Trust me, I have BEEN to therapy. It works, if you've got the right therapist, and I did. Mine helped a lot, and I went for a good looooong while. This though, this change has been even more profound, and happened without my even trying. Maybe it's because I had the therapy first so I was able to get all of the harder work out of the way. Maybe it's because for the first time in my life I am truly succeeding at losing weight and keeping it off while still living like a normal person, not starving myself or eating nothing but rabbit food or whatever else the current fad is. Maybe it's because I just decided to let all of the bad shit go for once in my life.
Whatever the reason, I'm not mad at it. I'll just accept it and hope it keeps happening.
Although I do still struggle with my depression, I have a much more positive outlook on life on a daily basis. Negativity used to rule me. A lot of my friendships were purely surface level friendships, but something in me changed and I started opening up. I think the part of me that was afraid to get close to people loosened up and I started letting people in, and started trying to learn more about them too. I am thrilled now to be able to say I can count someone like MamaDuck as a true friend, instead of someone that I kept at a friendly distance before because of my own issues. And not only that, but I feel like I've been doing better (or at least TRYING to do better) to even further develop the close friendships that I already have. Making them stronger. I want to continue to do that. Now that my little sisters have texting, I can talk to them much more often, which makes me very happy. They're growing up SO FAST, and this will help me be a more present and important part of it, especially since they're states.
So, back to my original topic. Every year I make resolutions because that's what I figure you're "supposed" to do, but how many of us keep them? "I will lose 100 pounds." "I will go to the gym every day." "I will bring my lunch to work three times a week to save money." "I will stop making children cry for fun."
You know, the usual stuff.
I've decided this year, I'm not going to waste my time with resolutions. 2014 may be just another calendar year, but in this household, it's the year of The YEARD (That's right folks - The Beard has decided to grow a Yeard. That's a beard that grows for a year. He's only done 6 months before and that was full on Duck Dynasty. This should be interesting!) So, obviously, 2014 is supposed to be pretty epic. Therefore, instead of resolutions, I am making a few DECLARATIONS:
I will continue on my weight loss journey until I have reached my goal.
I will continue staying positive and being a positive influence in other people's lives.
I will get our home completely organized - including giving away a great deal of things to friends, family, and Goodwill/other organizations.
I will spend more time with family and friends.
I will work to finally establish and grow my business. It is something I am passionate about and I truly want to succeed.
Life is what you make it. People look at the New Year like it's this magical time when anything can happen and it's the only time you can make big changes. That couldn't be further from the truth! Each new day holds it's own magic; each new moment holds the potential for change and growth and development.
It may be the New Year right now, and that's all well and good. But please, don't make a resolution. Make a declaration. Declare that you're worth the promises that you make to yourself, because you are.For once, I know that I am.
Happy New Year, may 2014 bring happiness, health, and love to you all.
What I've realized lately though, is that I've allowed myself to put this blog on the back-burner because I have "other things" to do. I got so bogged down with work, life, preparation for the holidays, etc., that I just let myself let this go by the wayside. (Admittedly, probably because these usually take me FOREVER to write because I'm pretty OCD about it I don't want to get started because I KNOW how long it will take me before I'm ready to stop, and I hate stopping before I'm really finished!) I need to stop doing that. I need to stop not doing the things that help me, or make me feel better just because they're less convenient. I need to MAKE time for them. I need to make time for me.
I wanted to make some resolutions this year, because hey, it's that time right? That's what all the cool kids are doing! But as the title of this post says: resolutions are made to be broken. Or, more accurately I suppose... they're made, and then they're broken. How many resolutions have you made in the past that you've actually KEPT? The only one that I know of that has been kept, at least in this house, was The Beard's resolution for 2013 to blame the majority of his "noxious emissions" on the cats. (Well, either the cats, or the "barking spiders," or creaky floors, whatever)
2013 was actually a pretty damned great year for me. It started out pretty rough, admittedly. My health sucked, life was insanely stressful. It seemed like my depression was just getting worse and worse. It got to the point where I broke down one day in April and couldn't take it anymore. I had The Beard go with me to see my family doctor, and I was fully prepared to beg him, do whatever I had to do to have him put me on some miracle weight loss drug that I just knew was out there that would help me. Obviously, there wasn't one, but after my totally embarrassing breakdown he DID give me the number to the man who would ultimately become my savior. Six months of working with that doctor on diet and behavior modification later, and I'm just shy of officially being SIXTY pounds lighter than I was when I started seeing him! Admittedly, the weight loss has been a huge thing, the physical difference alone has made a huge change in how I feel and how I see myself.
What I didn't expect, though, was the internal changes that I would go through in addition to the external changes. These happened without my even trying. Trust me, I have BEEN to therapy. It works, if you've got the right therapist, and I did. Mine helped a lot, and I went for a good looooong while. This though, this change has been even more profound, and happened without my even trying. Maybe it's because I had the therapy first so I was able to get all of the harder work out of the way. Maybe it's because for the first time in my life I am truly succeeding at losing weight and keeping it off while still living like a normal person, not starving myself or eating nothing but rabbit food or whatever else the current fad is. Maybe it's because I just decided to let all of the bad shit go for once in my life.
Whatever the reason, I'm not mad at it. I'll just accept it and hope it keeps happening.
Although I do still struggle with my depression, I have a much more positive outlook on life on a daily basis. Negativity used to rule me. A lot of my friendships were purely surface level friendships, but something in me changed and I started opening up. I think the part of me that was afraid to get close to people loosened up and I started letting people in, and started trying to learn more about them too. I am thrilled now to be able to say I can count someone like MamaDuck as a true friend, instead of someone that I kept at a friendly distance before because of my own issues. And not only that, but I feel like I've been doing better (or at least TRYING to do better) to even further develop the close friendships that I already have. Making them stronger. I want to continue to do that. Now that my little sisters have texting, I can talk to them much more often, which makes me very happy. They're growing up SO FAST, and this will help me be a more present and important part of it, especially since they're states.
So, back to my original topic. Every year I make resolutions because that's what I figure you're "supposed" to do, but how many of us keep them? "I will lose 100 pounds." "I will go to the gym every day." "I will bring my lunch to work three times a week to save money." "I will stop making children cry for fun."
You know, the usual stuff.
I've decided this year, I'm not going to waste my time with resolutions. 2014 may be just another calendar year, but in this household, it's the year of The YEARD (That's right folks - The Beard has decided to grow a Yeard. That's a beard that grows for a year. He's only done 6 months before and that was full on Duck Dynasty. This should be interesting!) So, obviously, 2014 is supposed to be pretty epic. Therefore, instead of resolutions, I am making a few DECLARATIONS:
I will continue on my weight loss journey until I have reached my goal.
I will continue staying positive and being a positive influence in other people's lives.
I will get our home completely organized - including giving away a great deal of things to friends, family, and Goodwill/other organizations.
I will spend more time with family and friends.
I will work to finally establish and grow my business. It is something I am passionate about and I truly want to succeed.
Life is what you make it. People look at the New Year like it's this magical time when anything can happen and it's the only time you can make big changes. That couldn't be further from the truth! Each new day holds it's own magic; each new moment holds the potential for change and growth and development.
It may be the New Year right now, and that's all well and good. But please, don't make a resolution. Make a declaration. Declare that you're worth the promises that you make to yourself, because you are.For once, I know that I am.
Happy New Year, may 2014 bring happiness, health, and love to you all.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Back To Me
Damn it feels good to be a gangster!
Wait, no. I don't think that's right. Sorry, I'll try that again.
Damn it feels good to be myself again.
...That's a bit more like it. Though, I am pretty gangster, you have to admit. Yo.
Yet again, I have become pretty remiss with my writing. We've had a few rough days around here lately, but thankfully I think they're mainly behind us. Now I'm taking a break to write this while The Beard and The Black Cat snuggle up on the love seat like the spoiled little love bugs they are, and The Grey Cat makes her rounds between lying on the bed and sitting in the hallway crying for us to come get in the bed with her so she can lie on the bed on top of us as we lie on the bed (yes, really). This leaves me to fidget through my "Topomax Tingles" and write about my journey to the return to myself. (These tingles really suck, by the way. I don't recommend them)
I've been lucky enough lately to have some wonderful conversations with several different people, each of whom I have known throughout different periods of my life. It's been really nice to talk to each of them about our relationships, each other, how we've both changed over the years (or over however long we've known each other) and then most of them have somehow also expanded to how I've changed (or not changed) recently.
Today, my conversation was with a friend I shall call MommaDuck. I feel like I've mentioned her on here before (but I could also be delusional, so since I couldn't find it, I guess I haven't). Anyway, we talked this morning, and though we've known each other for several years now (having basically met through a sort of business arrangement) we are really only recently beginning to develop a more personal relationship. She mentioned to me that she has noticed a change in me lately, that I seem freer and happier. It's true. I do feel that way. I also feel like I'm making a real effort to try to open myself to people around me. It's not that I didn't care about them before, it's not that I had no interest in developing the friendship with MommaDuck before, it's that whatever it was that has finally lifted off my shoulders now, held me back then. And it wasn't just with people like MommaDuck. Ask The FirstLove, we lived ACROSS THE POOL FROM EACH OTHER FOR A FULL YEAR and saw each other TWICE. All because I was great at shutting myself away. Doing the minimum that I felt that I had to. My conversation with MommaDuck this morning warmed my heart a great deal and let me know that I am improving. I am shedding that thick, hermit-like skin that I used to keep myself tucked away from everyone. Apparently I'm losing more than fat these days.
I've also talked to some men from my past lately, one that was always only a friend, and one that was a sometimes a boyfriend, and sometimes a friend (it's been almost 10 years since it's been the former, and he's the only ex that I've ever been able to remain friends with, and I do still consider him a good friend) Both conversations followed similar paths, and I was delighted to know that both men think of me as some kind of brutally-honest, strong willed, fiery woman. They were lucky enough to both be gone from my life for the period of time when those things were pulled from me, when my sparkle was snuffed by one controlling person after the next. (Or, rather, I was lucky enough to be spared knowing they saw it) They didn't see my light die, and they haven't seen me in person since, so it's harder for them to tell the difference I'm sure. Talking to them though, these two men that were such important parts of my formative years, hearing what they thought of me... what they still think of me... it meant a lot. It reaffirms my belief that I can be that person again, if I'm not already.
Brutally honest? Check. That never stopped. Sorry folks. Me lying to you isn't going to do either of us any favors.
Strong willed? Fiery? I'd say The Beard would say those are both back in full force ;)
I guess I'm well on my way.
Finally, two weeks ago was our 4th wedding anniversary. Since The Beard took that weekend off of work so we could celebrate, we finally went and got new glasses for both of us too. As we were grabbing lunch before our eye appointment, I was talking, he was eating, and I realized that I was talking a million miles a minute, about nothing in particular. Not very like me. It stopped me mid sentence and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him I realized was talking way more than normal. He said that he realized that, but he also said that I had been acting more and more that way lately, and it was more like the way I was when we first met than I have been in years. That was 8 years ago.
So, as I keep working on my weight, I'm going to keep working on everything else too. I can't work on one part of me and neglect the others. Progress in one area seems to feed it in the others, so I'm going to keep feeding it in whatever areas that I can. That way, once I've reached my goal, the ONLY way I'll be well rounded, will be metaphorically speaking.
Well, metaphorically, and with my fly curves like Sir Mix-A-Lot likes. I'm only an inch taller than he prefers. Just saying.
Wait, no. I don't think that's right. Sorry, I'll try that again.
Damn it feels good to be myself again.
...That's a bit more like it. Though, I am pretty gangster, you have to admit. Yo.
Yet again, I have become pretty remiss with my writing. We've had a few rough days around here lately, but thankfully I think they're mainly behind us. Now I'm taking a break to write this while The Beard and The Black Cat snuggle up on the love seat like the spoiled little love bugs they are, and The Grey Cat makes her rounds between lying on the bed and sitting in the hallway crying for us to come get in the bed with her so she can lie on the bed on top of us as we lie on the bed (yes, really). This leaves me to fidget through my "Topomax Tingles" and write about my journey to the return to myself. (These tingles really suck, by the way. I don't recommend them)
I've been lucky enough lately to have some wonderful conversations with several different people, each of whom I have known throughout different periods of my life. It's been really nice to talk to each of them about our relationships, each other, how we've both changed over the years (or over however long we've known each other) and then most of them have somehow also expanded to how I've changed (or not changed) recently.
Today, my conversation was with a friend I shall call MommaDuck. I feel like I've mentioned her on here before (but I could also be delusional, so since I couldn't find it, I guess I haven't). Anyway, we talked this morning, and though we've known each other for several years now (having basically met through a sort of business arrangement) we are really only recently beginning to develop a more personal relationship. She mentioned to me that she has noticed a change in me lately, that I seem freer and happier. It's true. I do feel that way. I also feel like I'm making a real effort to try to open myself to people around me. It's not that I didn't care about them before, it's not that I had no interest in developing the friendship with MommaDuck before, it's that whatever it was that has finally lifted off my shoulders now, held me back then. And it wasn't just with people like MommaDuck. Ask The FirstLove, we lived ACROSS THE POOL FROM EACH OTHER FOR A FULL YEAR and saw each other TWICE. All because I was great at shutting myself away. Doing the minimum that I felt that I had to. My conversation with MommaDuck this morning warmed my heart a great deal and let me know that I am improving. I am shedding that thick, hermit-like skin that I used to keep myself tucked away from everyone. Apparently I'm losing more than fat these days.
I've also talked to some men from my past lately, one that was always only a friend, and one that was a sometimes a boyfriend, and sometimes a friend (it's been almost 10 years since it's been the former, and he's the only ex that I've ever been able to remain friends with, and I do still consider him a good friend) Both conversations followed similar paths, and I was delighted to know that both men think of me as some kind of brutally-honest, strong willed, fiery woman. They were lucky enough to both be gone from my life for the period of time when those things were pulled from me, when my sparkle was snuffed by one controlling person after the next. (Or, rather, I was lucky enough to be spared knowing they saw it) They didn't see my light die, and they haven't seen me in person since, so it's harder for them to tell the difference I'm sure. Talking to them though, these two men that were such important parts of my formative years, hearing what they thought of me... what they still think of me... it meant a lot. It reaffirms my belief that I can be that person again, if I'm not already.
Brutally honest? Check. That never stopped. Sorry folks. Me lying to you isn't going to do either of us any favors.
Strong willed? Fiery? I'd say The Beard would say those are both back in full force ;)
I guess I'm well on my way.
Finally, two weeks ago was our 4th wedding anniversary. Since The Beard took that weekend off of work so we could celebrate, we finally went and got new glasses for both of us too. As we were grabbing lunch before our eye appointment, I was talking, he was eating, and I realized that I was talking a million miles a minute, about nothing in particular. Not very like me. It stopped me mid sentence and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him I realized was talking way more than normal. He said that he realized that, but he also said that I had been acting more and more that way lately, and it was more like the way I was when we first met than I have been in years. That was 8 years ago.
So, as I keep working on my weight, I'm going to keep working on everything else too. I can't work on one part of me and neglect the others. Progress in one area seems to feed it in the others, so I'm going to keep feeding it in whatever areas that I can. That way, once I've reached my goal, the ONLY way I'll be well rounded, will be metaphorically speaking.
Well, metaphorically, and with my fly curves like Sir Mix-A-Lot likes. I'm only an inch taller than he prefers. Just saying.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
One Month at a Time
Today was the day - my monthly weigh in with my doctor. I know I wrote yesterday about being freaked, and it didn't go away. Admittedly, them making me wait an extra 30 minutes because they were running behind didn't help things. I am many things, but a patient person is not one of them.
As you may know, my goal for this month was to lose another 12 pounds. I lost 13 in the first month, so I figured I could do it again. 25 pounds in two months would be amazing.
Sadly, I did not end up meeting my goal this month. I saw my number and my heart dropped. This time, there was no spike of excitement, no realization that I suck at math and really did much better than I originally thought. There was only disappointment.
I hadn't reached my goal. I only lost six pounds.
Half of my goal.
As I sat there, supremely disappointed, the nurse told me that I had done a fantastic job. Nineteen pounds lost in only two months! Not only that, but my BP is fantastic, and I've lost 3 BMI points, and 7% of my total body weight. Isn't that great??
Even with all of that, I wanted to cry again, but this time they weren't happy tears. Thankfully, I managed to hold them back, and while I waited for the doc, I texted The Beard:
Me: Only 6 pounds :(
Beardo: Yeah ONLY 6 pounds....
Me: My goal was 12, remember?
Beardo: Yeah so... you still LOST weight
Conversations with my Mom, my dad, my step-mom, my two best bitches, (and another conversation with The Beard where I say I feel like I'm being an asshole to myself about this, and him agreeing) later, and I'm getting over myself.
They're all right, of course. I've lost six more pounds, nineteen total! That's no small feet within two months. Actually, it's pretty (excuse my French) fucking amazing. I've never accomplished that before. Now, I just have to kick it into high gear. No more skipping the working out portion of the weight loss journey. I've gotten the resistance bands out, and am going to pull out our Beach Body videos, and we'll start tomorrow.
No more forgetting my meds, no more being a lazy wretch. No more not buying my protein supplements because they're so damned expensive (For real though, it's ridiculous) I've committed myself to this, and I will continue to succeed. This month, though I still made progress, losing only half of my goal has just added fuel to my fire. I don't want another disappointing month, though I know they will come, as my Dad told me today, "Your body is going to fight you the entire way. Just don't let it win."
All I can do is learn from the past 30 days, make adjustments, and move forward.
All I can do is take one month at a time.
As you may know, my goal for this month was to lose another 12 pounds. I lost 13 in the first month, so I figured I could do it again. 25 pounds in two months would be amazing.
Sadly, I did not end up meeting my goal this month. I saw my number and my heart dropped. This time, there was no spike of excitement, no realization that I suck at math and really did much better than I originally thought. There was only disappointment.
I hadn't reached my goal. I only lost six pounds.
Half of my goal.
As I sat there, supremely disappointed, the nurse told me that I had done a fantastic job. Nineteen pounds lost in only two months! Not only that, but my BP is fantastic, and I've lost 3 BMI points, and 7% of my total body weight. Isn't that great??
Even with all of that, I wanted to cry again, but this time they weren't happy tears. Thankfully, I managed to hold them back, and while I waited for the doc, I texted The Beard:
Me: Only 6 pounds :(
Beardo: Yeah ONLY 6 pounds....
Me: My goal was 12, remember?
Beardo: Yeah so... you still LOST weight
Conversations with my Mom, my dad, my step-mom, my two best bitches, (and another conversation with The Beard where I say I feel like I'm being an asshole to myself about this, and him agreeing) later, and I'm getting over myself.
They're all right, of course. I've lost six more pounds, nineteen total! That's no small feet within two months. Actually, it's pretty (excuse my French) fucking amazing. I've never accomplished that before. Now, I just have to kick it into high gear. No more skipping the working out portion of the weight loss journey. I've gotten the resistance bands out, and am going to pull out our Beach Body videos, and we'll start tomorrow.
No more forgetting my meds, no more being a lazy wretch. No more not buying my protein supplements because they're so damned expensive (For real though, it's ridiculous) I've committed myself to this, and I will continue to succeed. This month, though I still made progress, losing only half of my goal has just added fuel to my fire. I don't want another disappointing month, though I know they will come, as my Dad told me today, "Your body is going to fight you the entire way. Just don't let it win."
All I can do is learn from the past 30 days, make adjustments, and move forward.
All I can do is take one month at a time.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Lost and Found
It's been a good while since my last post, but I honestly haven't been sure of what I really want to say. I've had ups and down, and lots of middle-of-the-roads, but such is life.
The best thing that has happened since I last wrote is that my family came down from Maryland to visit me on July 5th, and we went to the Metro Richmond Zoo. They haven't been down to visit me in four years (literally, it will be four years on Thursday, the day The Beard and I got married!), and my sister, Erika, has never been to my apartment, even though we "got her" about 5 years ago.
I had such a wonderful time. I've missed my sisters and family so much. The Zoo is amazing, if you live in central VA you really should check it out. You can feed giraffes, budgies (little birds) and tons of other animals. Be careful though, the giraffes try and steal your food cups, and the budgies swarmed me!! It was all fun though, and we had such a good time as a family, even though it was a short trip. The Beard was even able to get away from work to have lunch with us, which was nice. I am hoping I can get up there for a visit in August, and my Dad and I can work on our new business/project together!
Other than that, things have been hectic. Lots of work, cleaning, crafting, etc. It's been good for me, I have four orders that I am going to mail out tomorrow, and one that I delivered last week. I'm trying hard to really get this business off of the ground.
Tomorrow, though, is "T" day. I go for my monthly check-in with my doctor, and see how my weight loss progress is going. I think I've been throwing myself into cleaning and crafting, because it's helping to take my mind off of it. Today, I'm pretty freaked. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I missed a day or two of Prozac (yes, again. I finally had to admit that my new way of trying to remind myself isn't working, so I'm going back to the old way) but I am feeling nervous about it! I can see/feel more of a difference this month that I remember feeling last month, but still. There's that voice: What if you failed? What if you didn't lose enough? What if this turns into a repeat of all of your other attempts in the past and you fail?
That voice is a total, hateful, bitch.
That voice is trying to make me lose my nerve. At some moments, it almost succeeds. Then, I talk to people like The Beard, and The Lahore, like I did this morning, and they remind me that I'm being an idiot. It's not a numbers game! How many times have I said I WILL NOT play that particular game anymore? Too many to count, I'm sure. Yet, here I am again. Trying to play by those rules. Never mind the fact that, fresh out of the dryer this morning, my pants fit a little looser this time, than they did the last time I put them on fresh out of the dryer. And never mind the fact that I'm wearing a shirt to work today that I haven't been able to wear in FOREVER because the sleeves were a little too tight. And never mind the fact that I feel like I'm practically beating my elbows to death on my desk at work now, because there isn't as much fat to cushion them there anymore. Are those not victories?? Apparently my stupid number-craving brain wants to ignore all of that and focus on numbers. My number-craving brain is apparently a total, hateful bitch too.
So, I'm going to try and stop thinking about tomorrow. It is what it is. I can't change anything now. I'm not going to wrap myself up like a baked potato and try and sweat out 5 pounds tonight. I will go, and I will get my results, and I will continue on next month, with whatever adjustments that I feel are necessary to get the results that I want. The Beard is about to start coaching little league football, and the kids have to do conditioning, so we have agreed that we're going to start doing it too. Not exactly what they are doing, but something on our own. I hate asking people to do things that I wouldn't do myself, and even though it's not ME asking those kids, I think it's a really good excuse to get it going.
One thing that I am holding onto as a sign of positive things to come, is that I found my turtle necklace while organizing our bedroom this weekend. That may seem silly, but a few years ago I thought I had lost it forever. It turns out that I, as per usual, put it in a spot for "safe keeping," and then forgot where that spot was.
I'm a genius.
Why is a silly turtle necklace so important, you ask? There are several reasons. The first, is that it encompasses two of the most important things in my life.
1- My Sigma Sigma Sigma charm is on it. My sisters, though we may not see each other all of the time anymore, mean so much to me, and I don't know what I would do without them. They are my rock, my amusement, the people that saved me and brought me back out of my shell, and many other things that I couldn't begin to describe or thank them for.
2- The chain is the first gift that The Beard ever gave to me. It is a white gold chain, and he got it for me for my 21st birthday, the first birthday that I celebrated with him. He got me the chain, because the original one that it was on broke, and it broke my heart.
Why did a crappy chain breaking, break my heart, you ask? Because I had gotten this necklace, turtle and chain, MANY years before. In 6th grade, actually. To this day, I STILL don't know who it came from. All I know is that I got a package in the mail, and this necklace was in it with a note from a "secret admirer." It could have been from a family member trying to make me feel special, or from a real secret admirer, I don't know, and I don't know if I really care. (Though, honestly, it would be nice to find out one day) But I do know is this: at that young and delicate age, it made me feel better than anything. I felt so special and important. I felt like I mattered. Isn't that what every young girl wants and NEEDS to feel? This small gift did it for me. This small gift STILL does it for me now.
I can be so careless with things. Things break, or get lost; but somehow, I have managed to hold on to this small thing for more than 15 years. When I was with The Beard, and took it off one day, the chain snapped. It was a cheap chain, but still. It broke my heart, and I felt the loss of it, and I cried. It isn't worth any money, or flashy, or anything like that. All it's worth is how it makes me feel: It makes me feel like I have worth. Not that I usually don't, but who doesn't love an extra boost? The Beard recognized that, and replaced the chain, turning it into something that meant even more to me. Something from him, the man that I loved, that would keep my turtle safe. And for 8 years, it has done exactly that.
So... I'm going to go in tomorrow wearing my turtle, and let it remind me that I might sometimes lose my nerve, and allow the numbers game to cheat me, but I will always find myself, and those things that make me, me... and I will carry on and accomplish anything I put my mind to.
If a clumsy and careless girl like me can keep a tiny turtle necklace for almost 20 years, how can I not?
The best thing that has happened since I last wrote is that my family came down from Maryland to visit me on July 5th, and we went to the Metro Richmond Zoo. They haven't been down to visit me in four years (literally, it will be four years on Thursday, the day The Beard and I got married!), and my sister, Erika, has never been to my apartment, even though we "got her" about 5 years ago.
I had such a wonderful time. I've missed my sisters and family so much. The Zoo is amazing, if you live in central VA you really should check it out. You can feed giraffes, budgies (little birds) and tons of other animals. Be careful though, the giraffes try and steal your food cups, and the budgies swarmed me!! It was all fun though, and we had such a good time as a family, even though it was a short trip. The Beard was even able to get away from work to have lunch with us, which was nice. I am hoping I can get up there for a visit in August, and my Dad and I can work on our new business/project together!
Other than that, things have been hectic. Lots of work, cleaning, crafting, etc. It's been good for me, I have four orders that I am going to mail out tomorrow, and one that I delivered last week. I'm trying hard to really get this business off of the ground.
Tomorrow, though, is "T" day. I go for my monthly check-in with my doctor, and see how my weight loss progress is going. I think I've been throwing myself into cleaning and crafting, because it's helping to take my mind off of it. Today, I'm pretty freaked. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because I missed a day or two of Prozac (yes, again. I finally had to admit that my new way of trying to remind myself isn't working, so I'm going back to the old way) but I am feeling nervous about it! I can see/feel more of a difference this month that I remember feeling last month, but still. There's that voice: What if you failed? What if you didn't lose enough? What if this turns into a repeat of all of your other attempts in the past and you fail?
That voice is a total, hateful, bitch.
That voice is trying to make me lose my nerve. At some moments, it almost succeeds. Then, I talk to people like The Beard, and The Lahore, like I did this morning, and they remind me that I'm being an idiot. It's not a numbers game! How many times have I said I WILL NOT play that particular game anymore? Too many to count, I'm sure. Yet, here I am again. Trying to play by those rules. Never mind the fact that, fresh out of the dryer this morning, my pants fit a little looser this time, than they did the last time I put them on fresh out of the dryer. And never mind the fact that I'm wearing a shirt to work today that I haven't been able to wear in FOREVER because the sleeves were a little too tight. And never mind the fact that I feel like I'm practically beating my elbows to death on my desk at work now, because there isn't as much fat to cushion them there anymore. Are those not victories?? Apparently my stupid number-craving brain wants to ignore all of that and focus on numbers. My number-craving brain is apparently a total, hateful bitch too.
So, I'm going to try and stop thinking about tomorrow. It is what it is. I can't change anything now. I'm not going to wrap myself up like a baked potato and try and sweat out 5 pounds tonight. I will go, and I will get my results, and I will continue on next month, with whatever adjustments that I feel are necessary to get the results that I want. The Beard is about to start coaching little league football, and the kids have to do conditioning, so we have agreed that we're going to start doing it too. Not exactly what they are doing, but something on our own. I hate asking people to do things that I wouldn't do myself, and even though it's not ME asking those kids, I think it's a really good excuse to get it going.
One thing that I am holding onto as a sign of positive things to come, is that I found my turtle necklace while organizing our bedroom this weekend. That may seem silly, but a few years ago I thought I had lost it forever. It turns out that I, as per usual, put it in a spot for "safe keeping," and then forgot where that spot was.
I'm a genius.
 |
| My turtle and Tri-Sigma necklace <3 |
Why is a silly turtle necklace so important, you ask? There are several reasons. The first, is that it encompasses two of the most important things in my life.
1- My Sigma Sigma Sigma charm is on it. My sisters, though we may not see each other all of the time anymore, mean so much to me, and I don't know what I would do without them. They are my rock, my amusement, the people that saved me and brought me back out of my shell, and many other things that I couldn't begin to describe or thank them for.
2- The chain is the first gift that The Beard ever gave to me. It is a white gold chain, and he got it for me for my 21st birthday, the first birthday that I celebrated with him. He got me the chain, because the original one that it was on broke, and it broke my heart.
Why did a crappy chain breaking, break my heart, you ask? Because I had gotten this necklace, turtle and chain, MANY years before. In 6th grade, actually. To this day, I STILL don't know who it came from. All I know is that I got a package in the mail, and this necklace was in it with a note from a "secret admirer." It could have been from a family member trying to make me feel special, or from a real secret admirer, I don't know, and I don't know if I really care. (Though, honestly, it would be nice to find out one day) But I do know is this: at that young and delicate age, it made me feel better than anything. I felt so special and important. I felt like I mattered. Isn't that what every young girl wants and NEEDS to feel? This small gift did it for me. This small gift STILL does it for me now.
I can be so careless with things. Things break, or get lost; but somehow, I have managed to hold on to this small thing for more than 15 years. When I was with The Beard, and took it off one day, the chain snapped. It was a cheap chain, but still. It broke my heart, and I felt the loss of it, and I cried. It isn't worth any money, or flashy, or anything like that. All it's worth is how it makes me feel: It makes me feel like I have worth. Not that I usually don't, but who doesn't love an extra boost? The Beard recognized that, and replaced the chain, turning it into something that meant even more to me. Something from him, the man that I loved, that would keep my turtle safe. And for 8 years, it has done exactly that.
So... I'm going to go in tomorrow wearing my turtle, and let it remind me that I might sometimes lose my nerve, and allow the numbers game to cheat me, but I will always find myself, and those things that make me, me... and I will carry on and accomplish anything I put my mind to.
If a clumsy and careless girl like me can keep a tiny turtle necklace for almost 20 years, how can I not?
Monday, June 24, 2013
The Numbers Game
"Some days the lion eats you, but some times you shove your arm down
it's throat and pull it's viscera out through it's mouth and kill it. Of
course, sometimes it bites your arm off, and then eats you, but you
tried, that's what counts. Some days it's not about winning, but about
fighting. If you don't try, the lion will most definitely eat you. But
sometimes when you put your all into something, and don't give up even
when the odds are so against you, you surprise the lion and yourself,
and you win." ~ Laurell K Hamilton
This weight (and the obsession with numbers that go with trying to get rid of it) is my own personal lion.
I slipped this weekend though. I didn't really think of it as a slip at the time, I was thinking (because I apparently suck at math) that it had been two weeks since my last appt with The Doc, when, in reality, it was only something like 9 days. Before I realized that it was only the 9 days, though, I decided that it would be ok to weigh myself at home. Just a check in to see how progress was going. Every two weeks isn't too much, right?
Never mind the fact that my scale and the scale at The Doc's office are totally different, of that I am sure. I had forgotten that my scale was off a few pounds.
But, I did it, and though I was pleased with my number, reflecting on it, I have no way in knowing whether it is progress or not. That is not my scale of reference anymore. I told The Beard, and he wants to hide it now. He doesn't want me to start playing the numbers game again. I told him no, I don't need or want him to do that. I can go without weighing myself. It won't be hard not to do it again.
I emailed him this morning and requested that he hide it.
Why? Because I'm an OCD freak when it comes to some things. I've caught myself several times since weighing myself Saturday morning, wanting to go back and hop on it again. Because of that, I've had him hide it from me before when I've worked on weight loss, because I sometimes start to weigh myself every day, if not several times per day. I get into the head space that is 100% number driven.
If I weigh myself now, and then go pee, how much of a difference does it make? I wonder what the difference in weight will be after I have dinner? WHY DO I WEIGHT 0.2 POUNDS MORE THIS MORNING THAN I DID BEFORE I WENT TO BED LAST NIGHT?
It starts turning into this awful torment. Something that plagues me, instead of motivating me.
Why are we such a number driven culture? Why do we have to weigh a certain amount to feel good about ourselves? Why do we believe if we just get down to a size two, or under a certain weight, that we will finally be happy?
It's not true. A number won't change things. Not when it comes to this.
I had a friend, years ago. She was beautiful, sweet, smart, and funny... pretty much the total package. She also had horrible body issues. She was tall and thin, barely any fat on her. She had her number though; if she went over that number, her world just about ended - regardless of how unrealistic that number was. We all looked at her with envy, wishing we could be close to as thin or pretty as she was. She didn't see it though, it was never enough. She lived, and struggled, in a life that was controlled by something as nebulous as a number.
I can't sit here and be honest with you and say that this journey isn't about numbers for me at all. It is. My number, though, my ultimate number, is based purely on health. Not some number that has no basis in reality. Not some number that will give me the body of a model, if that were even possible. My number is one that will put me at the weight that will help me to be the healthiest that I can be.
My goal isn't to be a size two. I doubt that I will get there, but if I do, then I do. If I never get below a size 10, then I don't. I will go until my doctor tells me to stop; until he tells me that I am where I need to be. I WILL FIGHT this battle against my body, and against my brain's desperate need for numbers.
I'm pretty sure lion meat is full of protein.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Happiness and Phd's
4:30am is a time that I should NEVER have to experience awake. Yet, today, it happened again. Admittedly, though, it was my fault. I am on a new medication that I have to take in half doses. One half in early morning, and then one half at 3pm, OR as early as I need to take it so that my sleep cycle isn't interrupted. (Seriously, I have to be careful. I took it in a full dose once a few weeks ago, and got what I call "squiggly," jittery and crazy)
Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one yesterday. I forgot to take it before lunch, so I took it as soon as I remembered, which apparently wasn't early enough. Que: wide awake at 4:30am. It's ok though, I'm just going to set myself a deadline from now on. If I don't take the second half before 1pm, I just won't take it.
So, what do I do when I'm awake 2 hours early? Blog of course!
As I lay in bed, trying to get back to sleep, I had a thought. Lately, things in general have been getting better for me. I'm working hard to reach my goals, and people in my life (both those I am close to, and people I hardly know) are being so wonderful, helpful, and supportive of me that it's almost unbelievable. HUGE helps like TheBooch (aka my MIL) who replaced my "sippy cup" that I broke over the weekend (a 24 ounce Starbucks cold cup that I use EVERY. DAY. and they don't make anymore. Trust me, I've even tried their new version. It isn't even CLOSE to being the same. OCD? Who, ME??), and took me to Fresh Market for lots of yummy, healthy food. Also, smaller things, like my hairdresser, whom I LOVE, helping me "train" my bangs to grow out in a certain way so that I can have more options when I reach my weight loss goal and chop all of my hair off for donation, and then giving me a huge hug and a discount on my bang trim, and telling me how proud of me she is. A selfless, generous sister, who, even though I know she doesn't have much, goes above and beyond by sending me things that she has and doesn't need or use anymore, always with a sweet card, simply because she thinks I'll like it, or because she thinks that I can use it in my crafting/business. A guy my husband works and plays softball with, who checked out my car yesterday, which hasn't had functioning AC since LAST spring (seriously... chubby girl + no AC in a Richmond summer? NOT PRETTY.), and saved the day (and my wallet) buy figuring out that all I need is a new hose that leads to my compressor, since apparently mine has a hole in it. I have no doubt that any auto shop would have told me I needed a $300+ compressor, and who knows what else. Instead, it's probably a $50 hose, plus his labor. My amazing Mom even gave me $50 to put towards the repairs because she's silly and I watched their house/ checked their mail while they were on vacation, so the part will probably be, technically, free!
And those are only a few examples. It's so humbling, and it makes me want to do so much for others.
I think, though, not too far in the past, I wouldn't as easily have been able to recognize these blessings for what they are.
Clinical depression is a tough thing. Even if you KNOW you have it, it doesn't mean that you can ignore it, or just make it better. The Beard and I once had a couple that we were friends with, right around the time I was diagnosed and started the medications for my own depression. It wasn't something that I talked about with a lot of people back then, but I shared it with them one night. The husband quickly and emphatically informed me that depression isn't truly a medical issue. All I have to do is DECIDE that I want to be happy, and I will simply end my depression, I will be happy! I was SO thankful when he told me that, I had no idea! At that moment, I made the decision: I AM NO LONGER DEPRESSED. I AM HAPPY!!! It worked!!
Right... Then, I realized, I don't remember seeing a Phd beside his name. Maybe it's not that simple, and I should listen to my ACTUAL doctor.
I remember listening to him lecture me on how it was a choice, not a chemical imbalance, and just boiled. Back then, I just let him have his say and didn't debate him. He was either someone who had never dealt with depression, ignorant, or delusional. (I determined it was one of the latter.)
We don't really spend time with them anymore. Surprised?
Now that I am on my medication and have begun correcting my Vitamin D deficiency, though, I can FINALLY say that I believe I am beginning to win this battle. I feel different...better than I have in years. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's incredible, like a veil (or more accurately, a shroud) has been lifted from me.
Now that I have gotten on the right physiological track, I am starting to get on the right mental track too. I have realized that depression held me back from so many things. It made me hold myself back from others, from experiences. Closing myself off from those things hurt me just as much as the depression itself. Now though, I am opening myself as much as possible, and I can tell that that is helping me even more. I'm giving and receiving more than I ever thought possible, I'm making and developing connections that enrich my life. I'm just... happier.
So, if you're struggling with depression, don't just deal with it. Confront it. I am so glad that I did, my life has changed so much for the better. I am here to talk, even if it's just to be a sounding board.
Though, I too lack a Phd beside my name.
Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one yesterday. I forgot to take it before lunch, so I took it as soon as I remembered, which apparently wasn't early enough. Que: wide awake at 4:30am. It's ok though, I'm just going to set myself a deadline from now on. If I don't take the second half before 1pm, I just won't take it.
So, what do I do when I'm awake 2 hours early? Blog of course!
As I lay in bed, trying to get back to sleep, I had a thought. Lately, things in general have been getting better for me. I'm working hard to reach my goals, and people in my life (both those I am close to, and people I hardly know) are being so wonderful, helpful, and supportive of me that it's almost unbelievable. HUGE helps like TheBooch (aka my MIL) who replaced my "sippy cup" that I broke over the weekend (a 24 ounce Starbucks cold cup that I use EVERY. DAY. and they don't make anymore. Trust me, I've even tried their new version. It isn't even CLOSE to being the same. OCD? Who, ME??), and took me to Fresh Market for lots of yummy, healthy food. Also, smaller things, like my hairdresser, whom I LOVE, helping me "train" my bangs to grow out in a certain way so that I can have more options when I reach my weight loss goal and chop all of my hair off for donation, and then giving me a huge hug and a discount on my bang trim, and telling me how proud of me she is. A selfless, generous sister, who, even though I know she doesn't have much, goes above and beyond by sending me things that she has and doesn't need or use anymore, always with a sweet card, simply because she thinks I'll like it, or because she thinks that I can use it in my crafting/business. A guy my husband works and plays softball with, who checked out my car yesterday, which hasn't had functioning AC since LAST spring (seriously... chubby girl + no AC in a Richmond summer? NOT PRETTY.), and saved the day (and my wallet) buy figuring out that all I need is a new hose that leads to my compressor, since apparently mine has a hole in it. I have no doubt that any auto shop would have told me I needed a $300+ compressor, and who knows what else. Instead, it's probably a $50 hose, plus his labor. My amazing Mom even gave me $50 to put towards the repairs because she's silly and I watched their house/ checked their mail while they were on vacation, so the part will probably be, technically, free!
And those are only a few examples. It's so humbling, and it makes me want to do so much for others.
I think, though, not too far in the past, I wouldn't as easily have been able to recognize these blessings for what they are.
Clinical depression is a tough thing. Even if you KNOW you have it, it doesn't mean that you can ignore it, or just make it better. The Beard and I once had a couple that we were friends with, right around the time I was diagnosed and started the medications for my own depression. It wasn't something that I talked about with a lot of people back then, but I shared it with them one night. The husband quickly and emphatically informed me that depression isn't truly a medical issue. All I have to do is DECIDE that I want to be happy, and I will simply end my depression, I will be happy! I was SO thankful when he told me that, I had no idea! At that moment, I made the decision: I AM NO LONGER DEPRESSED. I AM HAPPY!!! It worked!!
Right... Then, I realized, I don't remember seeing a Phd beside his name. Maybe it's not that simple, and I should listen to my ACTUAL doctor.
I remember listening to him lecture me on how it was a choice, not a chemical imbalance, and just boiled. Back then, I just let him have his say and didn't debate him. He was either someone who had never dealt with depression, ignorant, or delusional. (I determined it was one of the latter.)
We don't really spend time with them anymore. Surprised?
Now that I am on my medication and have begun correcting my Vitamin D deficiency, though, I can FINALLY say that I believe I am beginning to win this battle. I feel different...better than I have in years. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's incredible, like a veil (or more accurately, a shroud) has been lifted from me.
Now that I have gotten on the right physiological track, I am starting to get on the right mental track too. I have realized that depression held me back from so many things. It made me hold myself back from others, from experiences. Closing myself off from those things hurt me just as much as the depression itself. Now though, I am opening myself as much as possible, and I can tell that that is helping me even more. I'm giving and receiving more than I ever thought possible, I'm making and developing connections that enrich my life. I'm just... happier.
So, if you're struggling with depression, don't just deal with it. Confront it. I am so glad that I did, my life has changed so much for the better. I am here to talk, even if it's just to be a sounding board.
Though, I too lack a Phd beside my name.
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