Resolutions are made to be broken...

It's so hard to believe it's literally been months since I've written a post on here.  It's so strange to me, because it is such a catharsis for me to write; to get out all of the thoughts and energy tumbling around inside this crazy, mixed up head of mine and and use it to try to sort things out, or whatever I feel like I need at the moment. 

What I've realized lately though, is that I've allowed myself to put this blog on the back-burner because I have "other things" to do.  I got so bogged down with work, life, preparation for the holidays, etc., that I just let myself let this go by the wayside.  (Admittedly, probably because these usually take me FOREVER to write because I'm pretty OCD about it I don't want to get started because I KNOW how long it will take me before I'm ready to stop, and I hate stopping before I'm really finished!)  I need to stop doing that.  I need to stop not doing the things that help me, or make me feel better just because they're less convenient.  I need to MAKE time for them. I need to make time for me.

I wanted to make some resolutions this year, because hey, it's that time right?  That's what all the cool kids are doing!  But as the title of this post says: resolutions are made to be broken.  Or, more accurately I suppose... they're made, and then they're broken.  How many resolutions have you made in the past that you've actually KEPT?  The only one that I know of that has been kept, at least in this house, was The Beard's resolution for 2013 to blame the majority of his "noxious emissions" on the cats. (Well, either the cats, or the "barking spiders," or creaky floors, whatever)

2013 was actually a pretty damned great year for me.  It started out pretty rough, admittedly.  My health sucked, life was insanely stressful.  It seemed like my depression was just getting worse and worse.  It got to the point where I broke down one day in April and couldn't take it anymore.  I had The Beard go with me to see my family doctor, and I was fully prepared to beg him, do whatever I had to do to have him put me on some miracle weight loss drug that I just knew was out there that would help me.  Obviously, there wasn't one, but after my totally embarrassing breakdown he DID give me the number to the man who would ultimately become my savior.  Six months of working with that doctor on diet and behavior modification later, and I'm just shy of officially being SIXTY pounds lighter than I was when I started seeing him!  Admittedly, the weight loss has been a huge thing, the physical difference alone has made a huge change in how I feel and how I see myself. 


What I didn't expect, though, was the internal changes that I would go through in addition to the external changes.  These happened without my even trying.  Trust me, I have BEEN to therapy.  It works, if you've got the right therapist, and I did.  Mine helped a lot, and I went for a good looooong while.  This though, this change has been even more profound, and happened without my even trying.  Maybe it's because I had the therapy first so I was able to get all of the harder work out of the way.  Maybe it's because for the first time in my life I am truly succeeding at losing weight and keeping it off while still living like a normal person, not starving myself or eating nothing but rabbit food or whatever else the current fad is.  Maybe it's because I just decided to let all of the bad shit go for once in my life. 

Whatever the reason, I'm not mad at it.  I'll just accept it and hope it keeps happening. 


Although I do still struggle with my depression, I have a much more positive outlook on life on a daily basis.  Negativity used to rule me.  A lot of my friendships were purely surface level friendships, but something in me changed and I started opening up.  I think the part of me that was afraid to get close to people loosened up and I started letting people in, and started trying to learn more about them too.  I am thrilled now to be able to say I can count someone like MamaDuck as a true friend, instead of someone that I kept at a friendly distance before because of my own issues.   And not only that, but I feel like I've been doing better (or at least TRYING to do better) to even further develop the close friendships that I already have.  Making them stronger.  I want to continue to do that.  Now that my little sisters have texting, I can talk to them much more often, which makes me very happy.  They're growing up SO FAST, and this will help me be a more present and important part of it, especially since they're states.


So, back to my original topic.  Every year I make resolutions because that's what I figure you're "supposed" to do, but how many of us keep them?  "I will lose 100 pounds."  "I will go to the gym every day."  "I will bring my lunch to work three times a week to save money."  "I will stop making children cry for fun." 

You know, the usual stuff.

I've decided this year, I'm not going to waste my time with resolutions.  2014 may be just another calendar year, but in this household, it's the year of The YEARD (That's right folks - The Beard has decided to grow a Yeard.  That's a beard that grows for a year.  He's only done 6 months before and that was full on Duck Dynasty.  This should be interesting!)  So, obviously, 2014 is supposed to be pretty epic.  Therefore, instead of resolutions, I am making a few DECLARATIONS:

I will continue on my weight loss journey until I have reached my goal.
I will continue staying positive and being a positive influence in other people's lives.
I will get our home completely organized - including giving away a great deal of things to friends, family, and Goodwill/other organizations.
I will spend more time with family and friends.
I will work to finally establish and grow my business.  It is something I am passionate about and I truly want to succeed.  


Life is what you make it.  People look at the New Year like it's this magical time when anything can happen and it's the only  time you can make big changes.  That couldn't be further from the truth!  Each new day holds it's own magic; each new moment holds the potential for change and growth and development. 

It may be the New Year right now, and that's all well and good.  But please, don't make a resolution.  Make a declaration.  Declare that you're worth the promises that you make to yourself, because you are.For once, I know that I am. 


Happy New Year, may 2014 bring happiness, health, and love to you all.

Back To Me

Damn it feels good to be a gangster! 

Wait, no.  I don't think that's right.  Sorry, I'll try that again.

Damn it feels good to be myself again.

...That's a bit more like it.  Though, I am pretty gangster, you have to admit.  Yo.

Yet again, I have become pretty remiss with my writing.  We've had a few rough days around here lately, but thankfully I think they're mainly behind us.  Now I'm taking a break to write this while The Beard and The Black Cat snuggle up on the love seat like the spoiled little love bugs they are, and The Grey Cat makes her rounds between lying on the bed and sitting in the hallway crying for us to come get in the bed with her so she can lie on the bed on top of us as we lie on the bed (yes, really).  This leaves me to fidget through my "Topomax Tingles" and write about my journey to the return to myself. (These tingles really suck, by the way.  I don't recommend them)

I've been lucky enough lately to have some wonderful conversations with several different people, each of whom I have known throughout different periods of my life.  It's been really nice to talk to each of them about our relationships, each other, how we've both changed over the years (or over however long we've known each other) and then most of them have somehow also expanded to how I've changed (or not changed) recently. 

Today, my conversation was with a friend I shall call MommaDuck.  I feel like I've mentioned her on here before (but I could also be delusional, so since I couldn't find it, I guess I haven't).  Anyway, we talked this morning, and though we've known each other for several years now (having basically met through a sort of business arrangement) we are really only recently beginning to develop a more personal relationship.  She mentioned to me that she has noticed a change in me lately, that I seem freer and happier.  It's true.  I do feel that way.  I also feel like I'm making a real effort to try to open myself to people around me.  It's not that I didn't care about them before, it's not that I had no interest in developing the friendship with MommaDuck before, it's that whatever it was that has finally lifted off my shoulders now, held me back then.  And it wasn't just with people like MommaDuck.  Ask The FirstLove, we lived ACROSS THE POOL FROM EACH OTHER FOR A FULL YEAR and saw each other TWICE.  All because I was great at shutting myself away.  Doing the minimum that I felt that I had to.  My conversation with MommaDuck this morning warmed my heart a great deal and let me know that I am improving.  I am shedding that thick, hermit-like skin that I used to keep myself tucked away from everyone.  Apparently I'm losing more than fat these days.

I've also talked to some men from my past lately, one that was always only a friend, and one that was a sometimes a boyfriend, and sometimes a friend (it's been almost 10 years since it's been the former, and he's the only ex that I've ever been able to remain friends with, and I do still consider him a good friend)  Both conversations followed similar paths, and I was delighted to know that both men think of me as some kind of brutally-honest, strong willed, fiery woman.  They were lucky enough to both be gone from my life for the period of time when those things were pulled from me, when my sparkle was snuffed by one controlling person after the next.  (Or, rather, I was lucky enough to be spared knowing they saw it)  They didn't see my light die, and they haven't seen me in person since, so it's harder for them to tell the difference I'm sure.  Talking to them though, these two men that were such important parts of my formative years, hearing what they thought of me... what they still think of me... it meant a lot.  It reaffirms my belief that I can be that person again, if I'm not already. 

Brutally honest?  Check.  That never stopped.  Sorry folks.  Me lying to you isn't going to do either of us any favors.

Strong willed?  Fiery?  I'd say The Beard would say those are both back in full force ;)

I guess I'm well on my way.

Finally, two weeks ago was our 4th wedding anniversary.  Since The Beard took that weekend off of work so we could celebrate, we finally went and got new glasses for both of us too.  As we were grabbing lunch before our eye appointment, I was talking, he was eating, and I realized that I was talking a million miles a minute, about nothing in particular.  Not very like me.  It stopped me mid sentence and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him I realized was talking way more than normal.  He said that he realized that, but he also said that I had been acting more and more that way lately, and it was more like the way I was when we first met than I have been in years.  That was 8 years ago.

So, as I keep working on my weight, I'm going to keep working on everything else too.  I can't work on one part of me and neglect the others.  Progress in one area seems to feed it in the others, so I'm going to keep feeding it in whatever areas that I can.  That way, once I've reached my goal, the ONLY way I'll be well rounded, will be metaphorically speaking. 

Well, metaphorically, and with my fly curves like Sir Mix-A-Lot likes.  I'm only an inch taller than he prefers.  Just saying.

One Month at a Time

Today was the day - my monthly weigh in with my doctor.  I know I wrote yesterday about being freaked, and it didn't go away.  Admittedly, them making me wait an extra 30 minutes because they were running behind didn't help things.  I am many things, but a patient person is not one of them.

As you may know, my goal for this month was to lose another 12 pounds.  I lost 13 in the first month, so I figured I could do it again.  25 pounds in two months would be amazing.

Sadly, I did not end up meeting my goal this month.  I saw my number and my heart dropped.  This time, there was no spike of excitement, no realization that I suck at math and really did much better than I originally thought.  There was only disappointment. 

I hadn't reached my goal.  I only lost six pounds.  

Half of my goal. 

As I sat there, supremely disappointed, the nurse told me that I had done a fantastic job.  Nineteen pounds lost in only two months!  Not only that, but my BP is fantastic, and I've lost 3 BMI points, and 7% of my total body weight.  Isn't that great??

Even with all of that, I wanted to cry again, but this time they weren't happy tears.  Thankfully, I managed to hold them back, and while I waited for the doc, I texted The Beard:

Me: Only 6 pounds :(
Beardo: Yeah ONLY 6 pounds....
Me: My goal was 12, remember?

Beardo: Yeah so... you still LOST weight

Conversations with my Mom, my dad, my step-mom, my two best bitches, (and another conversation with The Beard where I say I feel like I'm being an asshole to myself about this, and him agreeing) later, and I'm getting over myself. 

They're all right, of course.  I've lost six more pounds, nineteen total!  That's no small feet within two months.  Actually, it's pretty (excuse my French) fucking amazing.  I've never accomplished that before.  Now, I just have to kick it into high gear.  No more skipping the working out portion of the weight loss journey.  I've gotten the resistance bands out, and am going to pull out our Beach Body videos, and we'll start tomorrow. 

No more forgetting my meds, no more being a lazy wretch.  No more not buying my protein supplements because they're so damned expensive (For real though, it's ridiculous)  I've committed myself to this, and I will continue to succeed.  This month, though I still made progress, losing only half of my goal has just added fuel to my fire.  I don't want another disappointing month, though I know they will come, as my Dad told me today, "Your body is going to fight you the entire way.  Just don't let it win." 

All I can do is learn from the past 30 days, make adjustments, and move forward.

All I can do is take one month at a time. 

Lost and Found

It's been a good while since my last post, but I honestly haven't been sure of what I really want to say.  I've had ups and down, and lots of middle-of-the-roads, but such is life. 

The best thing that has happened since I last wrote is that my family came down from Maryland to visit me on July 5th, and we went to the Metro Richmond Zoo.  They haven't been down to visit me in four years (literally, it will be four years on Thursday, the day The Beard and I got married!), and my sister, Erika, has never been to my apartment, even though we "got her" about 5 years ago.

I had such a wonderful time.  I've missed my sisters and family so much.  The Zoo is amazing, if you live in central VA you really should check it out.  You can feed giraffes, budgies (little birds) and tons of other animals.  Be careful though, the giraffes try and steal your food cups, and the budgies swarmed me!!  It was all fun though, and we had such a good time as a family, even though it was a short trip.  The Beard was even able to get away from work to have lunch with us, which was nice. I am hoping I can get up there for a visit in August, and my Dad and I can work on our new business/project together! 

Other than that, things have been hectic.  Lots of work, cleaning, crafting, etc.  It's been good for me, I have four orders that I am going to mail out tomorrow, and one that I delivered last week.  I'm trying hard to really get this business off of the ground. 


Tomorrow, though, is "T" day.  I go for my monthly check-in with my doctor, and see how my weight loss progress is going.  I think I've been throwing myself into cleaning and crafting, because it's helping to take my mind off of it.  Today, I'm pretty freaked.  I can't put my finger on it.  Maybe it's because I missed a day or two of Prozac (yes, again.  I finally had to admit that my new way of trying to remind myself isn't working, so I'm going back to the old way) but I am feeling nervous about it!  I can see/feel more of a difference this month that I remember feeling last month, but still.  There's that voice: What if you failed?  What if you didn't lose enough?  What if this turns into a repeat of all of your other attempts in the past and you fail?

That voice is a total, hateful, bitch. 

That voice is trying to make me lose my nerve.  At some moments, it almost succeeds.  Then, I talk to people like The Beard, and The Lahore, like I did this morning, and they remind me that I'm being an idiot.  It's not a numbers game!  How many times have I said I WILL NOT play that particular game anymore?  Too many to count, I'm sure.  Yet, here I am again.  Trying to play by those rules.  Never mind the fact that, fresh out of the dryer this morning, my pants fit a little looser this time, than they did the last time I put them on fresh out of the dryer.  And never mind the fact that I'm wearing a shirt to work today that I haven't been able to wear in FOREVER because the sleeves were a little too tight.  And never mind the fact that I feel like I'm practically beating my elbows to death on my desk at work now, because there isn't as much fat to cushion them there anymore.  Are those not victories?? Apparently my stupid number-craving brain wants to ignore all of that and focus on numbers.  My number-craving brain is apparently a total, hateful bitch too.

So, I'm going to try and stop thinking about tomorrow.  It is what it is.  I can't change anything now.  I'm not going to wrap myself up like a baked potato and try and sweat out 5 pounds tonight.  I will go, and I will get my results, and I will continue on next month, with whatever adjustments that I feel are necessary to get the results that I want.  The Beard is about to start coaching little league football, and the kids have to do conditioning, so we have agreed that we're going to start doing it too.  Not exactly what they are doing, but something on our own.  I hate asking people to do things that I wouldn't do myself, and even though it's not ME asking those kids, I think it's a really good excuse to get it going. 

One thing that I am holding onto as a sign of positive things to come, is that I found my turtle necklace while organizing our bedroom this weekend.  That may seem silly, but a few years ago I thought I had lost it forever.  It turns out that I, as per usual, put it in a spot for "safe keeping," and then forgot where that spot was. 

I'm a genius.

My turtle and Tri-Sigma necklace <3

Why is a silly turtle necklace so important, you ask?  There are several reasons.  The first, is that it encompasses two of the most important things in my life. 

1- My Sigma Sigma Sigma charm is on it.  My sisters, though we may not see each other all of the time anymore, mean so much to me, and I don't know what I would do without them.  They are my rock, my amusement, the people that saved me and brought me back out of my shell, and many other things that I couldn't begin to describe or thank them for. 

2- The chain is the first gift that The Beard ever gave to me.  It is a white gold chain, and he got it for me for my 21st birthday, the first birthday that I celebrated with him.  He got me the chain, because the original one that it was on broke, and it broke my heart. 

Why did a crappy chain breaking, break my heart, you ask?  Because I had gotten this necklace, turtle and chain, MANY years before.  In 6th grade, actually.  To this day, I STILL don't know who it came from.  All I know is that I got a package in the mail, and this necklace was in it with a note from a "secret admirer."  It could have been from a family member trying to make me feel special, or from a real secret admirer, I don't know, and I don't know if I really care. (Though, honestly, it would be nice to find out one day)  But I do know is this:  at that young and delicate age, it made me feel better than anything.  I felt so special and important.  I felt like I mattered.  Isn't that what every young girl wants and NEEDS to feel?  This small gift did it for me.  This small gift STILL does it for me now. 

I can be so careless with things.  Things break, or get lost; but somehow, I have managed to hold on to this small thing for more than 15 years.  When I was with The Beard, and took it off one day, the chain snapped.  It was a cheap chain, but still.  It broke my heart, and I felt the loss of it, and I cried.  It isn't worth any money, or flashy, or anything like that.  All it's worth is how it makes me feel:  It makes me feel like I have worth.  Not that I usually don't, but who doesn't love an extra boost?  The Beard recognized that, and replaced the chain, turning it into something that meant even more to me.  Something from him, the man that I loved, that would keep my turtle safe.  And for 8 years, it has done exactly that. 

So...  I'm going to go in tomorrow wearing my turtle, and let it remind me that I might sometimes lose my nerve, and allow the numbers game to cheat me, but I will always find myself, and those things that make me, me... and I will carry on and accomplish anything I put my mind to.

If a clumsy and careless girl like me can keep a tiny turtle necklace for almost 20 years, how can I not?

The Numbers Game

"Some days the lion eats you, but some times you shove your arm down it's throat and pull it's viscera out through it's mouth and kill it. Of course, sometimes it bites your arm off, and then eats you, but you tried, that's what counts. Some days it's not about winning, but about fighting. If you don't try, the lion will most definitely eat you. But sometimes when you put your all into something, and don't give up even when the odds are so against you, you surprise the lion and yourself, and you win." ~ Laurell K Hamilton

This weight (and the obsession with numbers that go with trying to get rid of it) is my own personal lion.

I've been so good these last few weeks (about 6 now, I think).  I haven't weighed myself except for at my doctor's offices when I go in for appointments.  I was content with getting my numbers once a month, and letting it go at that. 

I slipped this weekend though.  I didn't really think of it as a slip at the time, I was thinking (because I apparently suck at math) that it had been two weeks since my last appt with The Doc, when, in reality, it was only something like 9 days.  Before I realized that it was only the 9 days, though, I decided that it would be ok to weigh myself at home.  Just a check in to see how progress was going.  Every two weeks isn't too much, right?

Never mind the fact that my scale and the scale at The Doc's office are totally different, of that I am sure.  I had forgotten that my scale was off a few pounds. 

But, I did it, and though I was pleased with my number, reflecting on it, I have no way in knowing whether it is progress or not.  That is not my scale of reference anymore.  I told The Beard, and he wants to hide it now.  He doesn't want me to start playing the numbers game again.  I told him no, I don't need or want him to do that.  I can go without weighing myself.  It won't be hard not to do it again. 

I emailed him this morning and requested that he hide it.

Why?  Because I'm an OCD freak when it comes to some things.  I've caught myself several times since weighing myself Saturday morning, wanting to go back and hop on it again.  Because of that, I've had him hide it from me before when I've worked on weight loss, because I sometimes start to weigh myself every day, if not several times per day.  I get into the head space that is 100% number driven.

If I weigh myself now, and then go pee, how much of a difference does it make?  I wonder what the difference in weight will be after I have dinner? WHY DO I WEIGHT 0.2 POUNDS MORE THIS MORNING THAN I DID BEFORE I WENT TO BED LAST NIGHT? 

It starts turning into this awful torment.  Something that plagues me, instead of motivating me.

Why are we such a number driven culture?  Why do we have to weigh a certain amount to feel good about ourselves?  Why do we believe if we just get down to a size two, or under a certain weight, that we will finally be happy?

It's not true.  A number won't change things.  Not when it comes to this.

I had a friend, years ago.  She was beautiful, sweet, smart, and funny... pretty much the total package.  She also had horrible body issues.  She was tall and thin, barely any fat on her.  She had her number though; if she went over that number, her world just about ended - regardless of how unrealistic that number was.  We all looked at her with envy, wishing we could be close to as thin or pretty as she was.  She didn't see it though, it was never enough.  She lived, and struggled, in a life that was controlled by something as nebulous as a number. 

I can't sit here and be honest with you and say that this journey isn't about numbers for me at all.  It is.  My number, though, my ultimate number, is based purely on health.  Not some number that has no basis in reality.  Not some number that will give me the body of a model, if that were even possible.  My number is one that will put me at the weight that will help me to be the healthiest that I can be. 

My goal isn't to be a size two.  I doubt that I will get there, but if I do, then I do.  If I never get below a size 10, then I don't.  I will go until my doctor tells me to stop; until he tells me that I am where I need to be.  I WILL FIGHT this battle against my body, and against my brain's desperate need for numbers. 

I'm pretty sure lion meat is full of protein. 

Happiness and Phd's

4:30am is a time that I should NEVER have to experience awake. Yet, today, it happened again.  Admittedly, though, it was my fault.  I am on a new medication that I have to take in half doses.  One half in early morning, and then one half at 3pm, OR as early as I need to take it so that my sleep cycle isn't interrupted.  (Seriously, I have to be careful.  I took it in a full dose once a few weeks ago, and got what I call "squiggly," jittery and crazy)

Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one yesterday.  I forgot to take it before lunch, so I took it as soon as I remembered, which apparently wasn't early enough.  Que: wide awake at 4:30am.   It's ok though, I'm just going to set myself a deadline from now on.  If I don't take the second half before 1pm, I just won't take it. 

So, what do I do when I'm awake 2 hours early?  Blog of course!

As I lay in bed, trying to get back to sleep, I had a thought.  Lately, things in general have been getting better for me.  I'm working hard to reach my goals, and people in my life (both those I am close to, and people I hardly know) are being so wonderful, helpful, and supportive of me that it's almost unbelievable.  HUGE helps like TheBooch (aka my MIL) who replaced my "sippy cup" that I broke over the weekend (a 24 ounce Starbucks cold cup that I use EVERY. DAY. and they don't make anymore.  Trust me, I've even tried their new version.  It isn't even CLOSE to being the same.  OCD?  Who, ME??), and took me to Fresh Market for lots of yummy, healthy food.  Also, smaller things, like my hairdresser, whom I LOVE, helping me "train" my bangs to grow out in a certain way so that I can have more options when I reach my weight loss goal and chop all of my hair off for donation, and then giving me a huge hug and a discount on my bang trim, and telling me how proud of me she is.  A selfless, generous sister, who, even though I know she doesn't have much, goes above and beyond by sending me things that she has and doesn't need or use anymore, always with a sweet card, simply because she thinks I'll like it, or because she thinks that I can use it in my crafting/business.  A guy my husband works and plays softball with, who checked out my car yesterday, which hasn't had functioning AC since LAST spring (seriously... chubby girl + no AC in a Richmond summer?  NOT PRETTY.), and saved the day (and my wallet) buy figuring out that all I need is a new hose that leads to my compressor, since apparently mine has a hole in it.  I have no doubt that any auto shop would have told me I needed a $300+ compressor, and who knows what else.  Instead, it's probably a $50 hose, plus his labor.  My amazing Mom even gave me $50 to put towards the repairs because she's silly and I watched their house/ checked their mail while they were on vacation, so the part will probably be, technically, free! 

And those are only a few examples.  It's so humbling, and it makes me want to do so much for others.
I think, though, not too far in the past, I wouldn't as easily have been able to recognize these blessings for what they are.

Clinical depression is a tough thing.  Even if you KNOW you have it, it doesn't mean that you can ignore it, or just make it better.  The Beard and I once had a couple that we were friends with, right around the time I was diagnosed and started the medications for my own depression.  It wasn't something that I talked about with a lot of people back then, but I shared it with them one night.  The husband quickly and emphatically informed me that depression isn't truly a medical issue.  All I have to do is DECIDE that I want to be happy, and I will simply end my depression, I will be happy!  I was SO thankful when he told me that, I had no idea!  At that moment, I made the decision:  I AM NO LONGER DEPRESSED.  I AM HAPPY!!! It worked!!

Right...  Then, I realized, I don't remember seeing a Phd beside his name. Maybe it's not that simple, and I should listen to my ACTUAL doctor.  

I remember listening to him lecture me on how it was a choice, not a chemical imbalance, and just boiled.  Back then, I just let him have his say and didn't debate him.  He was either someone who had never dealt with depression, ignorant, or delusional.  (I determined it was one of the latter.) 

We don't really spend time with them anymore.  Surprised?

Now that I am on my medication and have begun correcting my Vitamin D deficiency, though, I can FINALLY say that I believe I am beginning to win this battle.  I feel different...better than I have in years.  Mentally, physically, and emotionally.  It's incredible, like a veil (or more accurately, a shroud) has been lifted from me. 

Now that I have gotten on the right physiological track, I am starting to get on the right mental track too.  I have realized that depression held me back from so many things.  It made me hold myself back from others, from experiences.  Closing myself off from those things hurt me just as much as the depression itself.  Now though, I am opening myself as much as possible, and I can tell that that is helping me even more.  I'm giving and receiving more than I ever thought possible, I'm making and developing connections that enrich my life.  I'm just... happier. 

So, if you're struggling with depression, don't just deal with it.  Confront it.  I am so glad that I did, my life has changed so much for the better.  I am here to talk, even if it's just to be a sounding board.

Though, I too lack a Phd beside my name. 

Small Boobs and Freaky Bones

Have you ever had one of those crazy, irrational ideas or fears that just stick with you and mess with your mind even though you know it doesn't make sense?  Who am I kidding, I'm sure you have, everyone has at some point or another. 

I am kind of struggling with my own today.  After yesterday's weigh in, I'm still riding a high, even though I don't think my mind has fully grasped it all yet.  I'm still kind of in shock, to be honest.  But something The Beard and I talked about last night seems to be dredging up an old irrational "fear"/concern of mine.  Or, probably most accurately, just a stupid frigging idea that I can't seem to let go. 

We were talking about my progress, my future goals, etc.  Since I dropped almost 2 full BMI points, we started talking about BMIs in general and brought up the charts to look at and see where they say I "should be."  He said I had to look at the 5'4" line (even though I'm 5'4 1/2" thankyouverymuch), and that chart said that I should be in the 110 - 135 pound range. 

I think the last time I was that weight a few days after I was born!

:::enter Stupidity stage left:::

Now, I'm worried that at 135 pounds, I will look WEIRD.  The Beard thinks that I'll look fantastic. That I'm BEING weird. 

What in the Hell is wrong with me?  For some reason, I've always been freaked about that.  When I start losing weight, I get all of these nonsense, self-destructive thoughts: maybe I'm just supposed to be big, maybe if I get too thin I'll look weird, what if my bones are super big and I look funky?  I don't want to be "too skinny," I still want a "cute" little gut  (<- no really.  I have said that before.  What "gut" is cute unless it's a gut full of fetus?) Being too thin isn't attractive. Blah, blah, BLAH. 

Sometimes the stupid stuff that comes into my mind worries me.  I mean, who thinks that crap?  And the worst part is, the entire time I'm sitting here thinking it, I KNOW what a load of manure it is!  After several long months of very expensive, very intense therapy, I figured out why I think that way, and though it makes sense and I'm aware of the hows and whys, I'M STILL ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE STUPID.  (Although, I have to say, if I lose my "girls," I'll be DEVASTATED.  The Beard said I could just buy new ones if I had to though, so that works for me I guess)

Ever since I can remember, I've been "big."  I've hated it, and "tried" doing something about it, but I never let myself succeed.  Always with the self sabotage or, simply, just giving up.  My weight was a wall for me.  A big fat wall of, well... fat.  Fat people aren't treated the same, fat people don't get approached by other people as much, fat people don't have to care as much.  Fat people don't have to try, fat people can hide in the background and let the skinny people shine. 

This fat person buried all of her pain under a nice insulating layer of fat. 

Did the depression come first?  Or did the fat?  It's sort of a chicken/egg question for me.  Which was the cause, and which was the effect?  I know now that I'll never know, and I know that ultimately, it doesn't really matter.  But I also know how desperate I am get break this damned wall DOWN.  I shouldn't be afraid to talk to new people, thinking that they're judging me because of my weight.  I'm tired of going shopping with my Mom or my girlfriends and having to shop in different stores because their stores don't carry "big girl sizes." I'm tired of little kids that don't know any better making comments about how big I am.  I'm tired of "well meaning" people saying things like "So-and-so is a big girl, you know, kind of like your size."  I'm tired of carrying this extra weight on my knee.  I'm tired of so many things.

But most of all, I'm tired of hating myself for not fixing this, and I'm tired of the excuses.  I'm tired of allowing myself to sit idly by while my health deteriorates, and my weight increases.  I'm tired of making my husband, parents, family, and friends worry about my health all of the time. 

So, again, even though in my brain I KNOW that at 135 pounds I won't look "weird," at this point I have decided even if it does happen, I don't care.  Whenever that thought creeps up to try and steal my momentum and drain my resolve, I will just remember this:  I. DON'T. CARE. I'd rather be a healthy, weird looking 135 pound chick than some unhealthy lump that weighs practically twice that!  If I have to, I'll buy myself some new boobs and take solace in the fact that I'll at least have an easier time finding clothes that fit, even if I do need to choose clothes that hide my thinner yet freakish/mutant body. 

That, or I'll just join a side show.  Because you better believe this:  WHEN I get to 135 pounds (silly me I first typed IF!), I WILL FLAUNT ALL OF IT.  Small boobs, big, freaky bones and all. 

One Month Down : X - ???

I've been staring at this page for what feels like forever, and I don't even know how to start.  How do I put into words what I'm feeling right now?  How do I explain this, when I haven't even stopped shaking yet?  I guess I'll just try and start from the beginning, and go from there.

Today was my first monthly follow up with my new doctor, the one that is helping monitor my weight loss.  I've been excited for, and dreading, this appointment for days.  Did it work?  Did I do enough?  Did I "cheat" too much?  Am I going to fail at this like I have so many other "diets?" 

Thankfully, I have the world's BEST Momma, and she came up to my work to have lunch with me today, and that really helped take my mind off of me having the jitters about my appointment.  (Since she has a new job now, she has the flexibility that will allow her to come have lunch with me every few weeks!  I am SO excited about it!)  So, while it was a wonderful distraction, it also only lasted the lunch hour.  THEN, as I'm waiting for my time to head out, the MEGA STORM starts rearing it's ugly head, so people had called and canceled their appointments, and the doctor's office called and asked me to come in early.  (eeeK!) I left a few minutes earlier than I had intended, trying to beat the storm.  I walked in (left 10 minutes early, got there 30 minutes early, go figure), paid, and was instantly taken back.  Don't these people know I'm trying to delay the inevitable??

She tells me to get on the scale, please.  No shoes, and hold on to those bars.  It takes me forever to do it.  Please, PLEASE don't let me disappoint myself, and everyone else who has been supporting me.  I don't know if I can take that.

The number pops up, and my heart drops into my bare feet.

That's it?  THREE POUNDS?? My whole month of eating totally differently only netted a loss of THREE FREAKING POUNDS?  How is this possible?  But...

Me: Wait.. hold on.  What was my original weight?  How much does that mean I lost?
Nurse: Oh shoot, I can't do that math in my head! :laughs: Hold on.
Me.  Is that... have I lost?  I haven't lost THIRTEEN POUNDS???
Nurse:  Yes!  You sure have!  Good job! You reached your goal!
Me:  :stunned and teary and shaky:  Oh, crap, sorry.  Hopefully I'm not the only one that cries like this.
Nurse:  Oh, of course you're not.  Why do you think we keep tissues right here?

Thirteen pounds.  13 pounds.  Ten and three pounds.  X - 13!!

Just under THREE of these babies!

Can you freaking BELIEVE IT?  I sure as Hell couldn't.  I did it.  I don't think I've ever lost thirteen pounds in two months together combining dieting and exercising myself into the ground!  And, it was so easy.  I never felt like I've been deprived, or that I COULDN'T have anything.  (Except that time I REALLY wanted a Coke from the ball park, but if I had really wanted it, I would have done it.  I just didn't want to sell my first born to pay for it)  I still Sweet Frog-ged with The FirstLove, and I Panda Express-ed with The Beard and The Lahore.  I don't deprive myself, I just make better choices. 

The reason that I didn't think that I had lost as much as that, other than the fact that I never weighed myself, is because I haven't seen much difference in myself.  But my doctor explained it all to me, and it makes me feel so much better, and helps keep me motivated:  apparently, the majority of the first several percent of body fat that you use is what is called "visceral fat," which is the fat that is around your organs, etc, and cause the medical problems/issues.  It's much less noticeable when you lose visceral fat than it is when you lose "subcutaneous fat," which is the fat that is under your skin, the fat that shows.  Apparently, after you lose about 10% of your body weight, it's much easier to see each additional pound lost.  Knowing this, it makes me feel SO much better.  Not only am I losing the "worst" kind of fat first, but there is a REASON I'm not seeing the loss.  Soon, though, I will. 

That helps keep me motivated.  It lets me know that even if I can't see the changes each day, they're happening.  Soon, it will be much more obvious as I go along, and I can't wait.

If I lost thirteen pounds with just my diet change, what will happen when I add exercise? 

We'll find out this month!

Guilty Pleasures

So, if you know much about me, you'll know I'm pretty flipping obsessed with Laurell K Hamilton.  Anita Blake and Merry Gentry are such amazing heroines, and she just has this style of writing that works for me.

Paranormal smut.  Ain't nothin better.

The next book in the Anita series (book 23!) comes out next month.  I've read each book in the series at least twice, because I'm a nerd and before each new book comes out, I like to re-read the previous books in a series.

Today, I am so lucky that I had just started re-reading the series - it turned out to be a rough day. 

First, I apparently turned my alarm off without realizing it.  Thankfully, I didn't fall back asleep, and got up pretty much on time.  Then, the new hair "goop" I bought totally sucked (Vain? Maybe.  But let's be real.  It was bad.) Even though I ate normally today, I was hungry all day with no idea why.  Then, during the fire alarm that we had after lunch, in the nasty weather, I slipped on a manhole while walking down the sidewalk with my right foot, and tried to catch myself with my (bad) left leg, and fell flat on my ass.  Now, the knee is the size of a grapefruit, and hurts like a mother.  Joy of joys.  After that, something else happened (that needs to be left unsaid) and I felt slighted, and offended, and almost, as if I was supposed to be feeling inferior.  Like I was... less.

Lots of little things, but they just added up to making me a general cranky pants.

So, I came home and decided that I needed to relax and read to make myself feel better.  Que leg propping and Anita Blake in Guilty Pleasures. Luckily, I came across a quote within a quote, that was perfect for how I'm feeling right now, and it really helped put my day into perspective for me.

"Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  Eleanor Roosevelt said that.  It is a quote I try to live by.  Most of the time I succeed."

So, like I said, a quote within a quote.  It might have been Eleanor Roosevelt who said it originally, but she and Laurell together reminded me that even though you might know that it's true, sometimes you just don't feel like you can overcome it.

I read that, and I decided there and then, I won't allow it.  I might have let them get the best of me for a little while, but all it takes sometimes is one moment, one point of clarity, and you can remind yourself that you are NOT inferior to them, unless you choose otherwise.   I choose not to be.

So now, I'm going to go to bed, no longer feeling inferior, and look forward to begin re-reading The Laughing Corpse tomorrow during my lunch break.  Let's see what wisdom Laurell can lay on me tomorrow!

Blessings and Priorities

If you've been following along with me, you'll know how crazy things have been for me.  Granted, I am sure I sometimes allow things to overwhelm me and make me feel like it's worse than it really is, but that's usually when I'm off my meds, or I've accidentally skipped a day, or something.  Recently, because of a delay at my pharmacy, I ended up having to go FIVE DAYS without my Prozac.  Five.  Can you imagine the emotional freak I have become while waiting for it to build back up in my system?  Just ask The Beard, it hasn't been pretty.

Prozac is a Hell of a drug. 

But, even through the meltdown of my emotional well-being, I've been pretty much ok.  I've learned over the years to realize when I'm being unreasonable, or an obsessive freak, or whatever, and I can control it to an extent now.  This week?  Not so much.  Through it all though, I've been keeping up with my daily chores, and better eating, etc.  For me, that is a HUGE breakthrough.  Normally when I get to this point, I just let it all go, allow my efforts and progress to fall by the wayside.

Thankfully, this time, I haven't done that.  And here are where the blessings come in. 

My friends and family are helping me in ways that I never thought possible.  My closest friends, The FirstLove and The Lahore have been a constant presence in my life.  They support me in everything, and push me to keep going, and to do better, without even saying a word.  And for the first time, I'm actually allowing myself to make the effort to be the same in theirs.

You see, I don't know if it was because of my depression, self doubt, my vitamin D levels, or the trajectory of the Moon's orbit around the Earth, but although I have always tried to be a good friend, I have rarely been an active... instigator?  Planner? ...something.  Hopefully you know what I'm getting at.  (I suck at initiating plans, etc)  Maybe it's because I've been hurt by so many people in the past, friends especially, that I try to give my all to, and then I get crapped on.  Maybe it's because I got tired of giving my all to that person, only to get nothing back, and then have even more taken from me.  Maybe it's that I never really could understand how to have more than one "best friend" at a time, because I thought it was almost like cheating.   How can I be BEST FRIENDS with more than one person?  Does that mean I'm holding things back from them?  Isn't every girl's dream to have that one BFF that means the world to you and lasts forever?  

Now, though, I truly believe that isn't the case.  The Lahore and The FirstLove are two completely different people.  Each of them has things about them that are exactly what I need, when I need it.  It doesn't mean, when I go to one for advice or to talk, that the other means less to me.  All it means is that I know them both well enough to know who I might need at that particular moment.  And, I also realize that I am person enough, and have enough love, that I can be there for both of them when they need me, and even that doesn't divide anything within myself.

Every relationship with every person is different.  Different does NOT mean that it means less, or more. 

And now that I've figured this out for myself, I have realized that I am starting to cultivate other friendships too.  I'm developing new ones, and trying to resuscitate or rekindle old ones.  One, in particular, who I shall call Momma Duck, was someone I met through chance, via her small business.  We've done business together several times over the past few years, and we've slowly gotten to know each other.  She's someone that I am truly glad that I have gotten to know better, and her blog post today inspired me to write my own.  Being inspired by the people around you is one of the most beautiful things, and I am making it a point to continue to surround myself with those people.  No more hiding at home, no more holding back in relationships just because it's easier, or safer.  I will continue to give my all, and to try to give it more often. 

I know it will make my life even richer, and I want to take full advantage of that. 

Not to mention, lucky me, The Beard has this weekend as his weekend off this month, so I actually get to spend more than one day with him at a time!  True, I am going to a class tonight (I will post pictures of the finished project later), but it is supposed to end early, and the rest of the weekend is for us!  Initially, I wanted to continue on my purging mission, and I might still work on it some, but he is another one of those main blessings in my life (even if sometimes when I'm in meltdown mode I overlook that!), and have decided that I want to make spending time with him the priority.  Every other weekend (at least the Saturdays) is mine to do with as I choose, and I am finding that more and more often I am filling those weekends with friends and loved ones, so on his weekends off, he's going to be stuck with me, like it or not.  I don't care if we nap, or play with the cats, or do nothing, but we'll do it together. 

Unless he wants to go fishing... I get bored and eaten alive by bugs when I go with him.  Aint' nobody got time for that!

Back at it

Well, it's been a while since my last post.  Things have been crazy busy, and I've been trying hard to get my life in order.  I'm still not 100% there, but I can honestly say I'm making some great progress, and it feels amazing. 

I don't have any idea how much (if any) weight I've lost, though I can feel and see subtle differences.  All I know is that I'm eating healthier, and that's important.  This past week The Beard and I have been taking turns making yummy, healthy dinners each night.  We usually either fend for ourselves, or make/eat whatever is easiest because we're being lazy.  Monday I made chicken and green beans, and I finished everything on my plate! 

Plenty of protein in that huge hunk of chicken, and it was soooo good!

Working out starts tomorrow come Hell or high water!  Woop WOOP!

Saturday, I spent the majority of my day cleaning the apartment from top to bottom. (Except for the bedrooms, which I've been working on a little at a time each night this week, and will tackle more this weekend!)  I purged SO MUCH STUFF, it felt amazing.  Especially in the fridge and pantry!  So much food that we won't eat, or had expired without us realizing since it had been pushed to the back of the pantry behind taller boxes, etc.  Between that, cleaning out files, piles of mail, and a million other things, the back of The Beard's Highlander was stuffed FULL of trash bags and other items that needed to go to the dumpster.  It was... pretty freeing.  And I'm not even close to done.  It's just added fuel to a fire that I haven't had in a loooong time. 

TIME TO PURGE!! 

I really want to insert some sort of "Winter is Coming" thing there, but don't know how to do it.  

I'm just so tired of being surrounded by so much.... stuff.  I know a lot of it is needed, but a huge portion of it isn't.  I have a tendency to hold on to things that I might need.  At any point.  Ever.  Sometimes it reaches small hoard levels, but then I get to the point where I just have to thin it out.  and now, I'm in this zone where I want to clean things out, and brighten things up.  (This vitamin D must be messing with my brain!)  I got some melon-ish green curtains for the living room ($13 per panel at Walmart, thank you very much!), which The Beard dislikes immensely, but I LOVE, because they're bright and airy and cheery.  So, I'll be getting another set for the big window by the kitchen, and probably get a smaller panel to turn into a valence for the patio door.  Something quick and easy that will brighten up things even more.  They're curtains; he'll ignore them, and I'll love them every time I see them.

I've also been trying to make sure that I come home every day after work and before I do anything else, I do a chore or two.  It's keeping things so much neater around here, it's awesome.  The current BIG chore?  Going through our entire closet, sorting and washing every. piece. of. clothing. that. we. have. - and then deciding what gets put away, and what gets given away.  I have a feeling there will be more clothes in the latter pile than the former.  I love clothes, but I am totally one of those people who have like two favorite things and wear them all the time.  Time to thin things out!! For both of us. 

Once I get everything purged out, it's going to be hardcore back to crafting time.  So, I will come home, do a chore or two, do a workout with The Beard, and then craft.  Pretty much every day.  Sounds pretty awesome if you ask me.  Especially since I'm working on a semi-secret new project with a family member that could potentially turn into something big, especially since I might already have a vendor/contact.  I'm hoping to get working on it this weekend, but I have to wait for my order of a certain supply to come in the mail so that I can.  Fingers crossed I can make it work, and it turns out like I am hoping it will!!  It could be the beginning of something beautiful.  Don't worry though, Sassy Cat Studios isn't going by the wayside.  In fact, I signed up for TWO more purse making classes this week!  This Friday, I will be making the "Zippy Strippy" bag:



And on July 5th, I will be making the "Candice Purse":



I can't wait!  If you're interested in either of these, or my other bag, feel free to let me know!  It will be nice to get sewing again.  I need to get my store filled up!  There are a few different things I am hoping to accomplish this weekend, so hopefully I'll have a few things to add before the weekend is over.  I'll keep you posted!

Finally, this weekend, when I'm not in class until 10pm Friday night, or at The Lahore's dance recital, or purging stuff around the house, or hanging out with The Beard since it's his only weekend off, I will be making my own liquid hand soap... I can make about a gallon for less than the cost of one small bottle at the store!  (Yes, I am that cheap sometimes, but I figure the small cost involved trying it is worth the chance of trying it out)  I'm not a huge hand soap fan.  I wash my hands, but I hate how dry it always leaves my skin feeling after.  It's always Step 1: Wash Hands. Step 2: Dry Hands. Step 3: Put on Lotion.  I hate it!  So, I found a soap base that is reported to be super moisturized, unscented, and organic/toxin free.  I might even add a few essential oils, but I haven't decided yet.  I will report back, and maybe even do a play-by-play if anyone is interested.  I'm hoping it goes well, cross your fingers that I don't burn down my kitchen or something equally me.  

So... I hope you all are having a good week.  I hope you're getting your little tasks done, checking things off lists, getting some relaxation like my parents are doing, or whatever you feel is important right now.  I've got so many things to do that I might end up making one of my ever famous, always growing lists.  Or, I might not.  It doesn't all have to be done RIGHT NOW.  But it does need to be worked on, and I have made myself (and the Beard) the promise that I will. 

Wish me luck, and more importantly, will power!!

My Labyrinth

It's 8:47 on a Saturday night, and I am blogging so that I don't fall asleep on the couch watching The Beard play his NHL game on his xbox.  (We're a hip couple, don't you think?)

I feel like I've experienced a few struggles this week.  First, it is SO much harder than I thought it would be to get all of my protein in every day.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get 90-100 grams of protein in a DAY?  To give you an idea, if you didn't know, one OUNCE of meat (chicken, beef, etc) is only 7. That's like eating 13-17 ounces of chicken a day.  That's a lot of damned chicken. My doctor suggested Jimmy Dean turkey sausage links for breakfast.  That's great, but THREE links are only 12 grams total. That's pretty much a full breakfast for me on it's own, and only 1/3 of my protein for that meal.

So, I've been doing protein bars lately, and been trying to get some protein powders to supplement as well. A few years ago I tried protein powders and could only find one brand that didn't make me want to puke it right back up.  They've come out with roughly a bazillion new flavors since then, in a formula that is supposed to essentially dissolve into the water instead of making it shake-like, and one scoop is almost one full meal's worth of protein for me.  So, I called around to Vitamin Shoppe's in my area (they're the only store that carries this brand) and the one in Short Pump had a few sample/one use size packs of a small portion of the flavors, so The Lahore and I went on an out-of-the-way protein powder gathering adventure today.  I also noticed, while I was there, that they carry the brand of bars that I really like, which was awesome.  The Beard and I are going to try a few of the flavors of the powder, and I'll go buy a jug or more.  I just really didn't want to drop like $30 on a jug of powder and hate it.  So we'll try it, and move on from there.  I'll also know that I can get my bars from there in the future, so I don't have to pay for them individually at WAWA like I have been! 

I really didn't want to do "meal replacement" type things during this process, but I think at least at  this point I'll need to.  Mostly just because I HAVE to have it, and eating more on top of that would just be way too much for me.  I just can't eat/drink all of that in one day, plus all the water I need since my blood tests came back showing that I'm pretty dehydrated.  So, I gotta do what I gotta do, and once I can decrease my protein intake I will rely less on these measures, and more on real food. 

I'm also struggling with that whole "I want/need to see results/have some reassurance that this is working" thing.  I hasn't even been a full week yet, I know.  But I just want it so bad.  I want to know if my changes are working, and waiting until next month is pretty much killing me.  I'm having small victories like being able to wear my engagement ring again (it was tight, so I left it off and just wore my wedding band), so I think that small thing makes me want or need to see something bigger.

Patience is NOT my best thing.  Can you tell?

So, I've got to work on that.  Finally, I think my third major rough spot this week (which is such a first world problem) is that I have decided to get my first tattoo at my 1/2 goal weight loss point, but I can't figure out WHAT I want.  I want something small and simple on the inside of my right wrist.  Something that just symbolizes the change that I am going through, and the new beginning.  I found this beautiful symbol on Pinterest, which was said to mean "new beginnings."  Upon further research, however, it apparently is from some person who believes that angels came to visit her and taught her this form of "angelic shorthand."

 ..... wh... what?

I so don't want that on my body.  As beautiful as it is, if I put something on my body, I want it to be something real, something that has stood the test of time, or something that I came up with on my own.  So I've been looking online for days, trying to figure out what I want.  I keep coming back to the skull and crossbones, but I have bigger plans for that elsewhere, so I'm still stuck.  Any ideas would be hugely appreciated. I've also thought of a Celtic labyrinth, but I don't want something as big as it would need to be. 

In my research, I learned that a Celtic labyrinth is different from a maze.  Unlike the best movie EVER with David Bowie in it, a maze has lots of dead ends, twists and turns, etc.  You are SUPPOSED to get lost in it.  A labyrinth, on the other hand, has only one path and begins where it ends.  It is supposed to, essentially, help you find yourself.  It's such a beautiful notion that I think I might just have to put that somewhere else on me.  That might be my third or forth tattoo ;)

So I'm going to try and keep the negatives from getting me down.  I had a fantastic Lady Date with The FirstLove at Sweet Frog yesterday, and got errands done and helped The Lahore dig up her front lawn and replant a pretty little flower garden today.  I got a little bit of sweetness yesterday, and then today got my workout on and got plenty of good 'ol Vitamin D.  Then tonight I had dinner with The Beard, and we're now relaxing.  What could be better?

I have to make the best of things as they come.  It gets hard, but the trick is to just take a step back, realize that mistakes, missteps, and periods of frustration are normal, and happen to everyone all of the time.  It's what we learn from it and where we go from there that really matters.

One of those days

It's not even 1:00 pm yet and I can tell, it's one of those days. 

I woke up half-way before my alarm went off, got ready for work while watching all of the incredibly sad news coverage about the poor people in Oklahoma, this damned cough won't go away, and I'm just cranky tired.  It's times like this I want to kick my own butt, but I know I'm too tired to care enough to do it!

I also realized today that I can buy all of the healthy food in the world, but if I don't get my life together, it's not going to do any good.  Granted, we got home from the store later last night than usual, and it took time to get the new groceries situated and all, but my food today at work is simply pitiful! My sleepy mind this morning only grabbed HALF of both my breakfast and my lunch.  So, I didn't get all of my protein in (well, if you combine breakfast and lunch I had one meal's worth), and I completely left my carrots at home. 

Epic. Fail.

I've always been the girl that throws a lunch together in the morning, or just says "forget it" and and goes to Subway or somewhere like that instead.  Shocker, right?  (I blame my mother.  That beautiful woman packed my lunches THROUGH high school, complete with napkin notes and e'rethang, so I never started the habit) But with this new un-diet, (that's what I'm going to call it, I guess) I can't really do that.  I have to PLAN.  It's going to be a pain in the butt to get used to I'm sure, but there's really no other way.  I'm supposed to get so much protein at each meal, so much starch carbs and veg carbs, etc, and at this point in the game I can't just magic it all together at the last minute.  I'm simply not there yet, which is totally fine and to be expected.  Maybe I'll become that super-hero OCD chick and start meal planning like some people I know do.  I'm not going to hold my breath on that, but there's a chance.  I'd be happy with just getting together my breakfast and lunch for work the night before.  That will be a big step that will make a HUGE difference for me, I think.  We'll see!

On another note, today was also a day that I knew that I needed to write.  If I hadn't looked down at my sub-par salad and griped to myself about my poor planning today, I wouldn't have known what to write about, and that can get really frustrating.  Writers block sucks a big one, if you have never experienced it, you're truly lucky.  That's why I'm asking you this: if any of you readers (if there really are any of you!!) can think of something that you would like me to address, a question you have or want my opinion on, or something that you think I need to think about for myself or would help me, would you let me know?  You can message me on FB, or leave a message on here (I'm pretty sure you can do it anonymously), or just let me know when we see or talk to each other.  I'm no Dear Judy, but sometimes if I'm blocked, but still feel the NEED to write, it helps when I have a topic that comes from somewhere other than my own hectic mind.

<3

Who needs cookies anyway?

......

Ok... so... cookies will still be had.  I can't lie to you.

But you know what?  I'm hoping that I can get to a point where a cookie or two is plenty for me and that I can enjoy it without guilt.  Or, sometimes, maybe even pass it up if I'm just not in the mood or I'm simply not hungry. 

I still won't let you take my cookies though.

Anyhoo, tonight The Beard and I went to the grocery store for our "Big Grocery Shop" (which is what we call any grocery trip that I can actually force him to join me on).  Tonight was the first big trip since my appointment, and my first big test of will. 

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNN

Ok, so maybe it wasn't that dramatic.  I did get all of my protein in my first two meals today, which was awesome, and I stayed pretty much not-hungry all day (even with as little as I ate, relative to what I used to eat).  I came home from work and cleaned out the fridge and freezer of all the stuff we don't need or want anymore.  It was kind of freeing.

There is not a DROP of ice cream in this house anymore people.  I think it's a first.  Oddly enough, though, I'm ok with it. 

So, at the grocery store, I had my crazy, beautiful, color coded shopping list that I based off of necessities and the list of Do's and Don'ts that my doctor gave me.  Of course, The Beard judged me harshly for my OCDness, but oh well.  It made things faster and more organized!  Plus, now that I am supposed to be eating certain things at certain times of the day, etc, I needed to make sure that I got everything we needed.  So there.

I really am proud of myself though.  I knew where the things that I needed were, and just avoided the isles that had things that I didn't need, instead of trolling the isles looking for what I "want" at the time being. Cereal isle?  No.  Pasta isle?  Y..... nah.  Ice cream?  Eh, I'll rock a popsicle instead.  Why?  Because it's not needed. 

I do have to say, though, that for a moment, I hesitated when walking past the pasta isle.  Pasta is my jam, as anyone who knows me is very aware.  But as I hesitated, I thought to myself - why?  Why am I hesitating?  I'm not never having pasta again, I just don't need it right now.  I need my health more.  And guess what, if I want some spaghetti, I'll have some damned spaghetti.  I'll just build my day around it, and make healthier choices otherwise.  No big, right? 

Tonight I've got more protein and veggies in my fridge and freezer than I've ever had at one time before.  Most of it is "need to cook," but we got some steam veggie bags and things like that for those nights when we're lazy.  The best thing about this?  The Beard is totally, 100% on board with me.  He's going to follow my plan with me, and we're going to do it together, which means more, and helps more, than I think he knows. 

So, now begins my days of trying new foods.  I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of freaking the Hell out, but I'm still going to do it.  For the first time I'm not feeling like I'm not ON A DIET during my weight loss journey; I feel like I am changing my diet.  Two totally different things, if you ask me.  And for once, I don't feel deprived.  If I want something, I will probably allow myself to have it, but it will be within the parameters that I have set up for myself.  You can't live a happy, healthy life when it's full of nothing but deprivation: if it works at all, it won't last long. 

Send tasty thoughts my way, I might need them!

Ups and Downs

I feel like this week has had me all over the place.  We had a great weekend away last weekend, but we missed our fur-babies, and were so happy to get back to our own bed.  As soon as I got home I was stoked to start getting back to work on my store, but have been sidetracked by either the allergies from Hell, or yet another sinus infection.

Either way, it sucks.

So, I've been trying to get some rest to help myself feel better, and even though I got to bed at about 9 both Monday and Tuesday nights thanks to the glorious invention that is Nyquil, I've still been wiped out.  I was also pretty nervous about my upcoming doctor's appointment, as usual working myself up into a tizzy over nothing.  But hey, it's me.  If I didn't work myself up over nothing on the regular, I wouldn't be myself.  But you love me, headcase and all.  You know it.

But that's getting ahead of myself.  Wednesday found me having dinner with The Beard and The Lahore at my favorite restaurant to sort of chill out before my big day.  Then, The Lahore and I went and got manis and pedis to get a little pampering done (sadly, our third love had other previous plans, but she was there in spirit and via text)  It had been so long since I had gotten my fingers and toes "did" and I had really forgotten how much I enjoy having pretty polish on them, especially since I decided months ago to just be lazy and not put polish on either myself.  (On a side note - I usually trash my nails, and this shellack stuff is still going strong on the third day)  Also - The Lahore provided plenty of entertainment by trying to antagonize/joke with the "Chinese" people that were doing our nails.  Sadly, the Vietnamese women had little idea of what in the Hell she was talking about, because they are about as fluent in English as I am in German.  (We all know when I listen to Rammstein I just sing the words and barely have a clue what they mean until I read the translations).  Poor little nail ladies.  They didn't know what hit them.

And now the biggest part of the week - the much anticipated and almost feared doctors appointment.

It actually went better than I had anticipated.  Less stressful and intimidating.  More warm and welcoming.  Less judgement, more support.  Handing over that credit card still hurt, but in the end, I'm worth it.  You can't really put a price on health... until you're paying for it when it's bad. My nurse and doctor were both really wonderful, very supportive, and actually listened to me, and talked to me, instead of at me.  These days, that seems to be more and more rare.

I got oodles of good information, my mind was blown with the simple, yet complex information that he gave me (does that even make sense?) I learned that weight and hunger management is all about what you eat, and when.  I know, I know, everyone says "don't eat after 8pm" or "no more Twinkies" and all that, but it's not that simple (see?  I told you!) It's more about protein vs carb intake.  The amount of protein your body needs, the times of day you eat everything, and which foods make you hungrier in the long run vs calming those hunger feelings.  The minutiae, as usual, is the complex part, as it is in most circumstances.  But the science behind it is really simple.  Protein helps keep you full, ups your metabolism, and helps build muscle which burns calories/fat.  Carbs turn into sugar.  Which turns into fat and makes you hungrier.

Another awesome tip?  According to my doctor, 10-20 minutes of resistance style workout two times a week (e.g., weights, circuit training, etc) is equal to 30 minutes of walking five times a week!

Simple, right?  With the right tools and guidance, it can be.  And, for the first time in me life, I have.... hope.  Real hope that I can beat this.  Real hope that I can achieve my goal, and I don't have to do some stupid fad diet, or starve myself, or surgically alter my body, or any of a million other things that might work for the minute, but don't work for life. 

I need a life change, and I think this will be mine.  I go back in a month, and I'm hoping to be X - 10 or X - 15 by then, and my doctor thinks it's possible!  Fingers crossed!  (On another side note, I was thinking about asking him how to lose the weight I want while keeping all of my "T&A," but I was told that's not really appropriate)

I'll keep updating on my progress, and especially my attempt at trying out new foods.  That seems to be the scariest thing for me, and since I don't "do well" with a lot of foods, it should be entertaining for you.

Finally, before I let you go, my final "up" for the week.

I cannot believe the outpouring of love and support that I have gotten this week.   The feedback I got from my last post was amazing: the calls, messages, texts, and emails blew me away.  It's hard to express how much it means to me.  The good luck messaging and calls before, and then check-in texts, messages, and calls after (and getting pushy when I don't respond quick enough), meant the world.

So, thank you.  To anyone who is reading this, and especially to my cheerleaders (you know who you are), thank you.  Thank you for your support, and for your love.  If I can be of help to you, please let me know how.

I am here, and I will be here for a long time, whether I'm wanted or not.

Coming Clean

I've been debating about whether or not to write this down for all to see or not for a while now. I feel like I've been hiding for so long that it seems that I almost feel like, if I don't put it out there, if I don't post new pictures of myself, then I'm still the person I was a few years ago when I walked down the isle, because no one knows any different.

But... I'm not that person anymore. Or, at the very least, I'm that person plus about 50 pounds.

I am 100 pounds overweight. Sure, a lot of you look at me and tell me that I don't look it, or I'm still beautiful, or a variation of the two. The thing is, though, that I AM.  Does it make me a bad person? No. Does it make me less important? No. But it DOES make me less healthy, and that is just something I can't tolerate anymore.  I want to do things without feeling tired, I want to have babies and play with them and teach them to be healthy like I never was.  I don't want them to struggle with weight their entire lives like I have.

So, I have an appointment with a doctor on Thursday that is going to work very closely with me on every aspect of my life and health. I'm going to get nutritional guidance, stress management help, exercise guidance, and much more. It isn't covered by insurance, so it's going to be really expensive, but the husband and I have decided it's worth it.

This is going to be a long journey, and I know that I will need support to keep going. Because of that, I've decided to stop being ashamed of myself for what I have become, and turn that emotion into fuel. I am not a bad or ugly person, I am just a person who let things like injury and depression and other issues get in my way like so many other people have.

No more.

I have so many people in my corner that love and support me, so how can I possibly fail?

At the moment, even though I've put most of my info "out on the table," I'm still not comfortable with giving out my current weight, so here is what I'm going to do: my start weight (which I will get Thursday) is going to be "X." After that, my weight will be updated as X - yy, to show the loss. 

Once I reach my goal, which will be more specific once I meet with my doctor, I'm getting myself a makeover, donating as much hair as I can to Locks of Love, and throwing the biggest damned reveal party that I can to celebrate.  Why? Well, why not?  Because I want to and will have worked my ass off sounds good enough to me.

So, if you want, follow my journey. If not, that's fine too. Or, maybe you want to join me, which would be wonderful.  All I know is this: it's time to stop hiding. Its time to stop being ashamed of who and what I am, and its time to start embracing that stubborn bitch that I know is in there that will never give up.

So, that's it. That's my secret, though it's kind of lame as secrets go. But I won't be quiet about it anymore. I won't let myself keep going down this path of self destruction, because damnit, I'm too damned amazing to let it happen.

You think I'm cocky/full of myself now?  Just wait until I get into a bikini.  It WILL have a skull and crossbones on it, even if I have to make it myself. Because that is my dream. Yes, I know it's strange.  But if that is what it takes, if you are struggling too, I hope you have a dream as strange as mine to get you there.

Maybe I can make us matching ones.

A Weekend Away

So, this was our big weekend away, a weekend that I have been waiting for for what feels like FOREVER.  It's not that I don't love being at home, or hate where we live, but you know how it is, sometimes you just have to get away.  I just needed to get out, go see something, do something fun that isn't the same old same old.  So, Friday we went to DC, hit up the Zoo and a Nat's game.

I'd been to the Zoo before, but I hadn't been since my sister was a baby, so maybe 10 or so years ago.  Of course, the tigers are my favorite, but they decided to hide in their little cave so I could barely see them.  Oh well... we still got out there, got some sun, some exercise, and just spent time together.  Of course, I am an idiot and forgot to bring tennis shoes, so my new flip flops pretty much rubbed the bottom of my feet raw and made my "weird leg" hurt like hell, and the bad knee swell like a grapefruit.  But I still did it, the walk to and from the metro, and the zoo, and the walk to and from the hotel, with minimal sitting breaks to give my poor feet a break!  (Note to self: don't be an idiot and only bring flip flops on trips where you'll be walking for forever!!)

The Nat's game was great, they played awesome and we had amazing seats, less than 20 rows from the front, just past third base.  It was my first professional baseball game, and I loved the stadium and the energy of the crowd.  It was so strange though, the stadium was over half empty when the game started.  It seemed to take forever for people to show up and fill it, what's the point if you're not going to see the whole game?  This picture was taken about 15 minutes before the game started!  We were impressed at how well Cubs fans traveled, there were tons there, and of course, since we were on their side, it was quite entertaining.  One guy (a Nats fan) was actually keeping score/stats in a little book thing he had made for that.  Justin said that some people do it FOR FUN.  I don't get that at all, I don't like doing it when I have to once a week at his games, I seriously don't understand how that could be someone's HOBBY.

Baltimore was ok, our hotel was a little strange, and the front desk staff kind of acted like they were deigning to help us (um, hello, it's your JOB) but our view was amazing, and it was just steps away from the Harbor.  We hit the Aquarium after a DELICIOUS lunch of grilled cheese at the coolest Hooters that I've ever been to, and were sadly disappointed with it.  They're doing a remodel or switching exhibits around, because the shark tunnel and huge coral reef/ray area that you walk over are both GONE (at least we couldn't find them), and tons of other areas were blocked off, and they didn't tell us that before we went in.  It wasn't really worth the $30 a ticket that we spent, but oh well.  I still liked what we did see, they have an Australia exhibit where birds fly around close enough to touch you, and we had a good time together.

After the aquarium we went back to the room to relax and wait out the storms that were coming.  Our room, with the amazing view, let us watch as the storm swept over the harbor, and it was absolutely stunning.  I've always loved watching storms, but it was really beautiful.  The storms lasted a few hours, and then the sun came out and brought with it one of the biggest, prettiest rainbows that I've ever seen.  I just stood at the window and stared at it for what felt like forever, until we left for dinner at the Hardrock Cafe. The storms had taken the humidity out of the air and left it a few degrees cooler, and it was really lovely walking along the harbor to and from dinner.  It turned into a really nice night.  We made it back into our room two short minutes before the sky opened up again and the storms rolled in from the opposite direction as they came from before. 

Standing at the window looking at the rainbow, though, I had gotten to thinking:  Sometimes life is crazy.  Sometimes you feel like the only thing that can make you feel better is to run away from it, from the things that are going wrong, or the things that stress you out.  Sometimes it's just easiest, and easiest is usually the thing that people want.  But you can't always run.  You can't always hide.  Sometimes, even though things get rough, and it looks like that storm in life that is coming is scary, or hard, or unfair, all you have to do is wait it out, and have faith that it will pass.  And it WILL pass.  You might have to work your ass off for the better outcome, and it might be a hard road, but when the storm is over and the sun finally comes out, that big, beautiful rainbow will be there to greet you and show you that the wait was worth it.

I had a wonderful time with my husband, it was nice to be away with him for a few days, just the two of us, with no (or at least, minimal) work things breaking in, no obligations, just us.  But I'm glad that my rainbow reminded me that I can't just run away.  When things get rough, I can't run away to another location, or shut myself down and just not deal with them because I'm overwhelmed.  I have to meet things head on because that's the only way I'll get to see my own rainbow.  Stress will still be there.  I'll still get overwhelmed.  But I'll meet it head on, and get to see the sun again. 

I know that my husband, and friends, family, and my two fur children will be there for me, and with me.  I know my two best friends will come and battle their OCD to help me organize my life, and my little grey girl Sasha will come and give me copious, sweet, aggressive snuggles because she missed me while I was gone and loves me. 

If my storms come with those things attached to them, they won't be so hard to weather after all; and the rainbows will be even sweeter when they can be shared. 

Getting back in the game

I realized something the other day while reading the blog of a friend: when I blogged the last time, it was not only a way for me to connect with others that I know and communicate how I feel, but it also provided a much needed outlet for me:  I could get things out of my mind and onto "paper," which always helped me deal with whatever was going on.

Lately, things have been crazy.  My health pretty much sucks, so I've been constantly going to see this or that doctor, for whatever is ailing me at the moment.  I'm having to go to my allergist's office every week to get shots for my allergy to pretty much everything.  (People always laughed at me when I told them I was allergic to nature.  WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?  The real answer is: still those people, because being allergic to everything outside is a bitch.  Especially in the spring, which is it is now.)  I've found out that I've got some pretty annoying lung and nasal issues that restrict my breathing.  That, as you can imagine, is a picnic.  I also have about a third of the vitamin D levels that you should have.  My doctor actually looked at me and acted surprised when he read the lab results.  I can't see how, I'm about a half step away from albino; if that doesn't say "I don't get outside much," I don't know what does.

I'm starting up my own business, selling bags and crafts on Etsy.  I LOVE sewing.  It's something that relaxes me (usually) and I take a great amount of pride in.  Call me an old lady, but I don't care.  I can't tell you how many classes I've taken at my favorite local quilt shop and have been the youngest person by at least a generation.  (My favorite repeated line is "Oh it's so nice to see one of you young people taking an interest in sewing, you just don't see that anymore!!") It's nice, though, to have something that you can be passionate about and take pride in.  I love making things, and I love that I can make something that someone else can't, I love that I can see something in my mind and actually create it with my own hands, and I love that I can make something that will make someone else happy.  Not everyone can say something like that, and for the first time in my life, I can.  It's nice.  

Long story short, the purpose of this blog is this:  catharsis.   Whether I'm having a rough day or a fantastic day, it's an outlet.  One I'll need in the coming days, weeks, and months ahead.  

You see, I'm about to start my weight loss journey (yes, again).  But this time, I'm bringing out the big guns:  I'm going to do it right, and I'm going to CHANGE. MY. LIFE.  I'm going to do it under the supervision of a doctor, and with the support (read: requested force) of my husband, my parents, the two best friends a girl could ask for, and I'm sure many other friends and family members that love and support me.  I'm going to tackle bad old habits and create good new ones.  I will not, however, live a life of deprevation or self-denial or punishment.  If I can't do this while living a full, balanced life, then I'll never be able to maintain it.  And let's be honest, that's what we all need, right?  A healthy life that is still full of fun and love.  A life that allows us to maintain a balance.  I don't want to suck the richness out of my life, I want to add to it.  If it takes ten years to accomplish my goal, then so be it.  But it will have been done right, and it will last forever.  

So, I'll document my journey here.  Along with whatever else tickles my fancy at the moment.  Whether it's a new project I'm working on, tips that I'm learning throughout the process, a tirade about something that just ticked me off, or talking about my cats and the stupid stuff they do, it'll be right here.  I hope to entertain you, Reader - but honestly - this isn't about you.  It's about ME.  

Come along for the ride.  It's sure to be a bumpy one, but I have no doubt in the end the destination will be well worth it.